Friday, February 10, 2012

Unmotivated and In A Funk

It usually happens once or twice a year.  For a week or so I am in a rut/funk.  I feel blah.  Nothing makes me happy.  I'm emotional for no reason.  Too much over thinking goes on.  This past week has been rut/funk week #1 of 2012.  It was a doozy!  I go to bed one night willing and able to be loving and compassionate to myself and wake up completely unable to do this. 

The last rut/funk week I had I was actually able to learn a lot.  I sat with my feelings and emotions.  I actually let myself feel them and I acknowledged them.  I learned not to take my happiness and happy days for granted.  This time I was beyond frustrated with God and with myself.  To the bottom of my heart I truly believe that God will give everything I need when the time is right.  I just wish he would speed up the process a little bit, that's all! 

But what was worse than being slightly frustrated with God's timing?  Being disappointed in myself.  I let myself down.  I wasn't kind or compassionate or loving or accepting to myself when I needed it the most.  Instead I hated (yes hated) parts of my body, told myself I would never be loved by a man because of certain parts of my body, beat myself up for not being extremely strict on my diet and exercise routine and made myself feel worse than I already did.  It was a vicious cycle that made me feel like I was drowning at my own hands. 

Every rut/funk week is slightly different.  It takes different things to get out of it.  The last one I knew it was just a bad moment and I would get better and be happy again.  This week I wasn't so sure.  I went to Target one day and walked around the store just staring at various items.  Things that I usually drool over did absolutely nothing for me.  I bought lip gloss that is supposed to make your lips enlarge.  So I smeared it on and stared at myself waiting for the first sign of puffiness because what girl doesn't want Angelina Jolie lips?  Instead I got my lips just extra shiny.  I drank a margarita the size of my head, but nothing.  One night I was supposed to go by Best Buy and pick something up.  I pulled into the parking lot with tears streaming down my face.  I'm pretty sure the staff there was thrilled I didn't go ahead and make my purchase in that state.  But finally the overwhelming pain and sadness slowly started to ease.  The pain, the blues - they every so slowly were beginning to creep away.  My dad made my laugh hysterically about how men love their bodies and how he doesn't understand how women hate theirs ("Hate is such a strong word Sarahchelle.").  I got 13 hours of good deep sleep.  I went shopping and finally found the new comforter I had been looking for.  I started meditating to the new Gabrielle Bernstein Medi-Dating album.  It was during this meditation session that I finally realized that I was going to be OK.  Still not 100%, but getting better every day.

I was horribly mean and cruel to myself, I hurt my own feelings and I disappointed myself.  I will spend the next few days being a little more loving and compassionate to myself until I am 100% back.  And then I'm going to do everything I can to prepare myself to be more accepting to myself the next time the rut/funk week hits.

If you experience these type of moments, how do you get through them?  How do you remind yourself to be loving, accepting, kind and compassionate?

Until Next Time,

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