Dear Authentic Girl

There are two emails that I look forward to getting every morning.  The first is from The Daily Love.  I highly recommend you sign up for the daily emails.  Imagine getting inspiration, motivation, love, support, community and mindfulness all wrapped up in one amazing email.  The second email that I just love getting is from The Brave Girls Club.  Their emails are little gems of wisdom that always seem to speak to me and exactly what I am going through.  Below is hands down my most favorite email to date.  I hope it inspires you as much as it has continued to inspire me.

Direct Link


Until Next Time,

Breakthrough Part 2

Y'all know I love a good breakthrough.  Breakthroughs show me that I am living my life, while growing and progressing along the way.  While I sat trying to figure out when I should start cooking dinner the other night, I was suddenly hit by a mack truck of a breakthrough.  I finally realized why I have strived so hard to be perfect both internally and externally.

Growing up I did not have a great relationship with my mother.  The love and affection and attention that I received from her was not consistent.  When I did receive it there was an uneasiness that came with it.  Almost like she was trying really hard to do the right thing, but she just wasn't feeling it.  Because of this, I spent the majority of my life constantly changing who I was to try and win her over completely.  I would tell myself that if I was smarter, prettier, skinner, funnier she would finally accept and love me for exactly who I was.  Well, the more perfect version of myself.  I was ashamed of who I was because, for whatever reason, I was not good enough for her.

As I sat preparing dinner I realized that this is why I have put so many "perfection" stipulations on myself.  Shame.  If I was not good enough for my own mother, then how can I be good enough for anyone else.  After a lot of hard work over the past two years I was able to learn to love and be confident in almost all of me, internally and externally.  Except for one area.  My stomach.  It was the one piece of evidence that I had failed at one point in my life and completely let myself go.  Everyone can see it.  I cannot hide it no matter how many pair of Spanx I wear. 

I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I have focused on my stomach so much lately.  Why have I suddenly placed a spotlight on it?  Enter the mack truck.  Shame.  There is no way to justify my stomach looking the way it does other than to admit that I had let myself go.  And in order to admit that I failed and I lost control, I have to be vulnerable.  The more I learn and deal with vulnerability, the more I love it.  It's what makes us all human and connects us. 

In life you have to be vulnerable.  You have to stand proud, hold your head high and say, "This is who I am, flaws and all.  Take me as I am or watch me as I leave.  I'll be fine either way."  And so I have decided to be vulnerable and from now on to always be the authentic Sarah.  Every day growing and progressing.  A little wiser.  A little stronger.  A little more me.


Until Next Time,

Once/Then

Do you ever tell yourself, "Once I do something, then I will finally be happy."  How about once I get a job making a certain amount of money, then I will finally be an independent adult.  Or my personal favorite, once I get to a certain size, then I will find the man of my dreams.  The truth is our love affair with once/then's plays into our desire for perfection in all aspects of life.

The thing about perfection is once you achieve it, then you have to spend all of your time and energy trying to maintain it.  And you end up missing out on the really great parts of life.  For girls, once/then's start when we are little.  Every fairytale starts with once upon a time.  The male character comes in and rescues the damsel in distress.  Then they live happily ever after.  If we were to believe these stories, then women would not be happy until they were rescued by a man.  In reality, I believe women need to stop waiting to be rescued and learn to rescue themselves. 

As a society we need to step away from once/then's and learn to live in the moment.  In past months I had seriously considered having a tummy tuck because I couldn't fathom ever being able to love the stomach that I currently have.  Once I have a flatter and better looking stomach, then I will be confident enough to find the man of my dreams.  He will just come waltzing into my life once I get my stomach to look better. 

The pressure that I put on myself in regards to my size and weight was immense.  Once I could get to a certain weight and pant size, then every other aspect of my life would magically fall into place.  I would be crazy happy, I would have the perfect relationship, the perfect career, the perfect life.  One non-healthy meal and I would beat myself up because I felt that I was holding myself back from every obtaining my perfect life. 

I finally sat down and had a conversation with myself that I have given to so many other, but never to myself.  I told myself that who I am as a person is not based of the number on the scale or my pant size.  There were many uncomfortable moments of vulnerability in this talk.  I also informed myself that I need to stop comparing myself to other women and to stop thinking that, just because a woman is a certain size, she deserves all the happiness in the world. 

If we spend too much time focusing on how to make ourselves and our lives more perfect, we miss all of the great things life has to offer.  Life is so much more than once/then's and perfection.  It's dancing in the rain, impromptu road trips, watching flowers bloom, holding hands and marathon Monopoly games.  Sometimes the most perfect moments in life are the ones that are completely unplanned and imperfect.


Until Next Time,

Wordless Wednesday

Found here

Spring Cleaning

I love spring!  I love spring more than I love New Years.  There's just something about everything finally starting to bloom after a long winter.  To me spring is the light at the end of the long tunnel called winter.  One of my favorite spring time activities is spring cleaning.  Boxing up all of your winter clothes and breaking out your summer clothes.  I spent part of the weekend shopping for new clothes since it's basically summer in Houston. 

This year I decided to add on to my spring cleaning list.  I made the decision to do some internal spring cleaning.  I sat down and thought about all of the fears and stresses that I had been holding on to for far too long.  And I decided to let them go. 

My family has been telling me for a while that my fears and worries are not necessary.  I am a big worrier.  I worry about how I will learn to cook a different dinner every night once I'm married.  I just eat the same thing every night for a week since it's easier because it's just me.  When I meet guys I worry about whether they have actually seen that I am plus size.  I don't want anyone to feel tricked or fooled into dating me.  I worry a lot about the future and things that are out of my control.  There are so many nights when I wish my mind would just stop thinking and worrying and over analyzing so I could get a good nights sleep.

Letting go of the fears and worries and over thinking is not going to happen overnight.  And it's not going to be easy.  But when I think about all of the time that I spend on a daily basis worrying and over thinking, I wonder about all of the great things I could be doing with that time and energy instead.  So all of my fears about my size and possible future relationships and everything else that I stress about, I'm releasing them.  Letting them go.  Because I deserve better than the way I've been treating myself.  And because even your soul deserves a good cleaning every now and then.

Until Next Time,

Breakthrough

"Every time you judge yourself, you break your own heart." - Swami Kripalvanada

This quote has rocked my world.  One of the great wonders of life for me is how we can be kind, compassionate and loving to everyone else in the world, yet we cannot show ourselves an ounce of compassion or love ourselves when we need it the most.  Maybe it's because we have higher expectations for ourselves.  Perhaps it's because in order for us to show ourselves love and compassion, we have to be vulnerable.  And being vulnerable can be very scary.

I love nothing more in life than a breakthrough.  That moment when it all clicks inside and you feel the weight of the world lifted off of your shoulders.  Where it all starts to make sense.  Recently I had a pretty big breakthrough.  All of my life I have been the chunky unpopular nerd.  I've never really had guys interested in me.  I've never had a boyfriend, etc.  And being the chunky unpopular nerd, whenever I would hang out with my friends, guys would be nice to me because I was the fat friend that they needed to win over so my friends would be interested in them. 

Recently though guys have been flirting with me because apparently they are interested in me!  It's a whole new world and completely uncharted territory for me.  So uncharted that a guy was flirting with me last month and I had no clue (I thought he was doing to win over the group of girls I was with).  Guys will smile and wink at me and I automatically turn around to see the girl it was directed to, only to realize it was directed at me.  I also started struggling with my body image.  After losing all of the weight, my body adjusted, but suddenly I felt that I was still as big as I was nearly 100 pounds ago. 

Every time a guy would look my way, I would have an anxiety attack.  Why are they looking at me when I'm still so big would screaming through my head.  Surely they cannot actually be interested in someone my size.  I'm big as a house and he's fit and gorgeous.  We'd make the most unlikely couple (you thought I was kidding when I said I was an over thinker!).  I new I had to face these fears so I decided to start writing and meditating and praying my way through this emotional road block. 

Finally it dawned on me.  Because guys and dating and relationships are such unfamiliar territory, I have anxiety that I'm going to do something wrong and screw up a perfectly good relationship because of my lack of dating experience.  Like at what point do you start holding hands or do you really have to celebrate each monthly anniversary?  Or what if I hurt the poor fellas feelings?  And the more I over think the many ways that I can screw up a relationship, the more the anxiety grows every time a guy looks my way.

And then I read this quote.  Every time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.  Every time I stop believing that God will give me the right man when the time is right, I break my own heart.  Every time I tell myself that the number on the scale is more important than all of the really great qualities that I have, I break my own heart.  Every time I tell myself I don't deserve a man simply because of the size of pants I wear, I break my own heart.  And when I also realized that I would tell any woman in the world that she was so much more than the number on the scale or the size of pants she wears, I had to stop and asked why I had never told myself that. 

So I did.  I didn't believe myself the first few times I said it, but after enough time, I started to believe it.  And that is why I love a good breakthrough!

Until Next Time,

Yoga

For many years I wanted to try yoga but was scared. Yes, I know I have some odd fears.  The only people who I ever saw doing yoga were thin. So I stayed away because clearly this was something that I was not supposed to be doing.

When I first started walking a few years ago I could only walk maybe 10 minutes before I was out of breath and cramping up. Eventually I was walking 2 miles a night with no problems. When I switched to workout tapes, I could only do a few seconds (if any) of each move before I was collapsing. Eventually I was able to do almost all of the exercises on each tape. But still I stayed away from yoga.  It intimidated me in a big way.

Plus size women walked and did workout tapes, but they didn't do yoga (or so I thought). I want to challenge myself, not embarrass myself I would tell myself. Then I kept telling myself I would try yoga once I hit a mysterious goal weight.  No matter what amount of weight I lost, I still couldn't start practicing yoga.  Finally I decided to try Yoga Booty Ballet. You know, to ease myself into yoga.  It's a mixture of yoga, dancing, Pilate's and ballet all in one workout. It kicked my butt, but in a good way. It also slowly put me in touch with my inner yogi.  And it gave me some of the necessary confidence that I needed to attempt yoga.

I finally decided to face my fear and get a yoga tape. I bought Ashley Turner's Stress Relief and Flexibility DVD.  I remember the first time I did the workout. I sat and stared at the case for a long time. I was petrified of failing. Sure no one else would know if I succeeded or not, but I would know.  That's all that mattered.  And after losing who I was and feeling like a "failure to launch", I needed this attempt to be a successful one.

The DVD started with deep calming breathing, which is right up my workout alley!  But as the DVD transitioned into actual yoga positions, there was a calm that came over me.  The realization that I could do this no matter my size or athletic ability.

Over time, yoga has taught me to be kind to myself.  When I tell myself that I cannot do something, yoga proves to me that I can do something I never thought I would be able to do.  And for that I am eternally grateful.

Namaste!


Until Next Time,

Expectations vs. Reality

Think back to when you were little.  Remember all of the big plans and dreams that you had for yourself?  Now raise your hand if you have been able to achieve all of them.  For those of you who have achieved all of your dreams, I applaud you!  But for the rest of us, not achieving those goals can be a difficult thing to deal with.

When I was little I thought by now I would have a job where I helped make the world a better place, be married, have 2.5 dogs, be thin, have lots of friends and quite the social life.  The reality is I'm bored out of my mind at my job, I've never even been on a date, I'm still overweight (though I have lost some weight) and almost all of my friends are married with children and none of them love to watch baseball.  Bummer!  If I look back over my life journey I can see why I am where I am in my life and how I got here.  It makes complete and total sense.  But when I start comparing expectations from younger years to where I am today...yikes!  It's at this very moment that my inner critic goes buck wild!

There is a saying that goes, "you are exactly where you are supposed to be."  Now think about that for a minute.  Even at this very moment, you are right where you are supposed to be in life.  Kinda crazy!  I am one of those people who has high expectations for myself and others.  We're not always going to live up to all of those expectations.  That's reality.  Life happens.  But the real beauty in all of this is when you learn to be kind and compassionate to yourself and others when you're expectations aren't met.  Sometimes that's when the greatest things in life happen. 

Until Next Time,

KONY2012

All day today I kept seeing message after message regarding KONY2012.  When I got home I watched the video that everyone was talking about.  I was shocked, disgusted and heartbroken.  I also felt hopeful, proud and empowered.  The crimes that are happening in Uganda are gut wrenching.  Simply because these children were born in a different country does not mean that they should have to experience these atrocities.  We are all apart of the same race.  The human race.  Together we can help them.

Below is the very moving and incredibly powerful movie.  I urge you to watch it and spread the word.  You may also visit their website at InvisibleChildren.





Until Next Time,

Shame

The Webster's dictionary's definition of shame is: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b: the susceptibility to such emotion. 

At some point in our lives we have all dealt with shame.  Some of us still deal with it.  We all want to be the best at whatever it is that we are experiencing in our lives.  Be the best child or parent.  Be an amazing spouse and lover.  Be the greatest friend ever.  Be the employee that always meets all of the deadlines, makes all of the deals and wins all of the awards.  We always set the bar incredibly high for ourselves and, when we can't meet our standards, shame and guilt set in.

I have dealt with shame at different stages throughout my life.  For most of my life I felt shamed by one parent for not being a good enough daughter.  Once I realized that I wasn't the issue in that relationship, my shame switched over to work.  I felt that my company was too loyal when I wasn't living up to my potential.  Once I started performing better at work, my shame switched over to not being a good enough older sister.  You see, until I was 24 I had always been the baby of the family.  I didn't have to be a good role model to younger siblings.  When my dad married my step mom, that changed.  I became an older sister to two amazing younger sisters.  I was really worried that I would be a horrible older sister.  Thankfully, over time I've been able to prove myself wrong with that one. 

Recently a new shame has come over me that I have never dealt with before.  Shame about my body.  Prior to my losing weight, I was in a very dark place and really didn't care what my 300+ body looked liked.  I never really worried about dating or guys.  No one dates at my size anyways, I would tell myself.  Ninety-two pounds lighter and I'm battling my body image now more than ever.  If I were to make a pro/con list about myself, my biggest con would be my body, especially my stomach.  I cannot stand it.  The more I work out and the more weight I lose, the more I hate it.  And no matter how many pros I list about myself and no matter how great those pros are, there is one huge con (and a few minor one's) that trump all of the good about me. 

Sure I wish I made more money, had a bigger savings account and had better credit.  To me those three con's aren't too bad.  But when you add my current body to the equation, forget it.  Now I don't make enough money, I don't have enough money in savings, I don't have a good enough credit score and my body isn't good enough.  Simply put - I am no longer enough. 

One of my favorite people on the planet is Brene Brown.  She is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and she studies courage, vulnerability, shame and authenticity.  In her book The Gifts of Imperfection (I highly recommend this book), Brene says "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do."  This quote has become my life journey motto!  It is so true and so honest.  During the moments when deep shame overwhelms me, this is the quote that I repeat to myself over and over again until I start believing it. 

While at times it may be difficult to believe, you just as you are right now are enough.  If you are going to do one thing for yourself in life, make sure that you always know that you are enough.

Until Next Time,