Making Peace With Your Past

Growing up, I didn't have always the greatest childhood, but I also know it could have been a lot worse.  For various reasons I mentally blocked out a lot of my childhood, both good and bad, years ago.  And then at some point in the past year I started having flashbacks to memories from my childhood.  Flashbacks from my past.  And they come out of nowhere.  All of a sudden a vivid memory comes to mind.  I go from not remembering a certain moment in my life at all to knowing precisely where I was and what was being said to me.  But it's not just the memory that's difficult to remember.  The emotions are by far the hardest.  Suddenly I'm vulnerable or sad or lost or alone or angry. 

One minute I'm sitting at my desk at work minding my business and then next minute I'm trying to heal my inner child, and my current self, from some really bad memory.  When they first started, I hated the fact that I constantly had to acknowledge bad feelings and emotions, so I ate my way through the memory flashbacks.  And then one day my therapist gave me three pages that listed every emotion possible.  I was to keep them with me at all times and write down my various emotions throughout the day.  What was I feeling?  Why was I feeling it?  Did something cause this emotion?  And after a few weeks this really amazing thing happened.  I stopped eating my way through the memory flashback and instead started acknowledging and accepting them. 

It is not always easy.  Some of the flashbacks bring back anger that I thought I was past or they bring up vulnerability that I never wanted to feel.  There are also times when I have a memory flashback where I'm laughing or smiling or having a really great moment.  I truly cherish those flashbacks.  What I have come to learn from these memory flashbacks is that with each one I have to power to go back to that moment in my life and tell myself what I should have been told.  Sure some emotions and memories are tougher to face than others.  But I have learned that the toughest moments are when we are our bravest.  And because of these memory flashbacks, I have learned that we all have challenging or troubling moments in our life, but we also have the power to make peace with those moments and love ourselves for exactly who we were and who we have become. 

If you ever have or currently experience any time of memory flashback, please know that they do get better and that you are not alone.

Until Next Time,