Weeds

"Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers" Kelly Clarkson, Sober

 

 

One of my all time favorite songs is Sober by Kelly Clarkson.  I love this song because it can be interpreted many different ways.  Any which way you look at it, it's a powerful song.  Today when I was listening to it, the line picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers stuck with me.  How powerful would it be to change all of the bad parts of us and keep the good ones simply by deciding to make the necessary changes?

 

Throughout our lives we all have various spring cleanings that are for our soul.  Sometimes we remove certain people from our lives, whether by ending a relationship or friendship.  Sometimes we remove bad habits and introduce healthy ones to our lives.  Sometimes we stop wearing clothes that don't flatter us and start wearing clothes that do.  And occasionally, we examine our lives and realize that changes need to be made.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. 

I've been examining all aspects of my life recently and I've realized that changes need to be made in nearly every area.  While I am a big advocate of change, actually making the necessary changes is not always easy.  I especially love when my life has a routine.  It's peaceful and comforting.  The area where I currently need the most change - my job.  I love most aspects of my job - a ten minute commute, most days are fairly routine, having the greatest co-workers ever, knowing what is expected out of me.  What's not to love?  Now my biggest goal for myself in 2013 is to be financially able to live on my own again.  I am desperate for that freedom.  The one thing that is currently holding me back from living on my own - not making enough money at my job.  Which can only mean one thing - change.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

I would rather go on one hundred blind dates than search for a new job.  I hate every part of it.  I've been at my current company for six and a half years.  I had to search to find out where to look for jobs.  Every job I look at, I doubt myself.  I'm very confident at my current job, but what if I can't do something basic at a new company?  Fear and doubt has crept in and taken up residence in my confidence.  I've been incredibly lucky to have a short commute and amazing co-workers.  I've already started preparing to drive much further every day.  What if I can't stand my future co-workers?  This change, my friends, will not be an easy one.  But I need this change more than any other.

My life is very simple.  I work.  I have a even simpler and quieter personal life.  It's non-existent.  I rarely go out.  I'm usually at home reading.  That's it.  I soon will be twenty-nine and I'm finally coming to the realization that Mr. Right will not coming knocking on my door. (Very lazy on his part if I do say so myself!)  Honestly, I think the poor fella is lost and I have to help him find his way to me, but that's another story.  The only way I can do that is by getting out of my comfort zone.  Shake up all aspects of my life.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

Changing my career is not the only change I need to make.  I need to start working out more frequently.  I really need to start practicing yoga and Pilate's again.  And let's not get started on my writing.  I need to bring back the parts of me that I have loved and missed and maybe even find new pieces that I never knew about.  I need to pick all of my weeds and keep the flowers.

What weeds to you need to pick and what flowers do you want to keep?



Until Next Time,

Fear

If I'm completely honest, I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid.  Part of me believes I was born fearful.  When I was probably 5-6 years old, at night I would roll over in bed and swear I could see people.  I would wake up scared out of my mind.  Once I could gain the courage, I would sprint across the house to my parents bedroom.  Many of those nights my dad would walk me around the house (and sometimes even the outside of the house) to show me that there was no one else there.  Thankfully it was discovered that the "people" I saw were actually created from a nightlight and some poorly placed stuffed animals.

My middle school years were spent in the Virgin Islands.  Life is completely different there.  It's not the safe hot tourist spot that everyone thinks that it is.  At least it wasn't when we lived there.  Though I dealt with fear when I was younger, I started dealing with fear (and anxiety) on a nearly daily basis at this point in my life.  For all of the beauty that the island holds, there is also a ton of ugly. 

High school was a beast.  While I was elated to finally be back stateside, I was not at all prepared for how high school would be.  In my mind, high school would be a lot like Saved by the Bell.  I was some kind of pissed when I discovered that it wasn't!  All kidding aside, the best way I can describe those four years is by saying it that nearly every minute of every day was a huge struggle.  Everything hit rock bottom at once for me during these years - anxiety/panic attacks, eating disorder, depression and especially fear.  I went to a high school that was incredibly large and I do not like crowds.  Freshman year we were off site and at first it wasn't so bad.  Then the tragedy at Columbine occurred.  I just never imagined that something so horrible could happen at a high school.  From that day until the end of our school year, we had constant (and incredibly frustrating) bomb threats.  My fear and anxiety skyrocketed.

The main high school campus was a whole different nightmare.   There was incredible overcrowding, constant fights, arrests, threats, etc.  As soon as I woke up each morning, I immediately started panicking that I would be late to school or that they would decide to ring the bell early and I would be late.  Once I would get to school (and I was usually there very early each morning) the panic and anxiety would switch to worrying about my upcoming classes.  Also, at this point in my life, every second of every day was filled with some kind of worry.  What if this happened and what if that occurred.  Rarely, if ever, did the "what if's" actually happen.  I don't know if I can put into words how real those numerous fears felt at those very moments.  Logically I can look back and completely see how extreme the worrying and fear was, but there is also a part of me that can completely understand it.

Since high school I have dealt with fear on and off.  There were times when it overwhelmed me so much that I could barely get out of bed or leave my house.  It was absolutely crippling.  There were also times when I was almost completely fear free.  Recently the fear has come back.  A few months ago one of my younger sisters started driving and turned 18.  My youngest sister is nearly a teen and growing up more and more everyday.  When I realized that I could no longer protect them, fear set in.  I started preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, in case something horrible happened to them.  Or anyone in my family for that matter.  I finally decided that I'm completely over living my life this way and knew that I needed to take steps to face my fears head on, once and for all.

Starting January 14th I will be taking an e-course called 30 Days of Cultivating Courage.  Every day you get an email with lesson or activity in which you will have to be courageous and face a fear.  Once this program is complete, I will start a 40 day fear cleansing e-course.  I know facing these fears is not going to be easy, but it is absolutely necessary.

Do you have to deal with rational or irrational fears?  What steps have you taken to conquer your fears?


Until Next Time,