Day 4: Your Biggest Fear As A Single Woman

I am posting this as part of The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge.

Deep down I truly believe and have faith that God will put the right man in my life at the right time.  But no matter how deep my faith is, I still have fears.  What can I say, I was a born worrier.  My first fear is that there is something about me that I need to change or work on and I don't know I need to.  Maybe I'm not domesticated enough or smart enough or funny enough.  In my mind I'm a fun person, but maybe the reality is that I need to be more fun.  Maybe I'm too serious or maybe I'm not serious enough.  Maybe I'm too much of a loner.  I've been single 29 years and I really treasure my alone time.  The list is endless and long.

My other fear is this - I'm not really good at realizing when a guy is flirting with me or is showing interest in me.  In fact, I'm completely clueless.  In my mind, things are very black and white.  They either are or they aren't.  And truthfully, I have no clue if they are or aren't.  If I think a guy is flirting with me, I have to ask either my sister or friend to confirm or deny it for me.  I miss the guys that are flirting and misinterpret guys who aren't flirting.  Just clueless.  I'm good with facts.  Not so good with dating and flirting.  So I am constantly praying and asking God to make it crystal clear to me that a guy is interested.  I don't want to miss Mr. Right because I genuinely didn't know he was interested.  And Lord, let him be OK with the fact that I'm not so great with flirting also!

What are your biggest fear(s) as a single woman?


Until Next Time,

Day 2: Describe a Moment When Being Single Really Sucked

I am posting this as part of The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge. 

So here's the thing, most days I really love being single.  Yes I do want to be in a relationship and eventually get married, but for now I am really enjoying this time being single.  I can do exactly what I want to do right now and I don't have to think about anyone else.  I can focus solely on me and be as undomesticated as I want (hello wine, cheese and crackers for dinner!). 

But there was one day a few weeks ago where being single really sucked: Everything about that day felt like a battle, especially at work.  Just trying to get the simplest of answers was like pulling teeth.  People weren't responding in the time frame I needed them to, and when they did, they didn't have the answer I needed.  There was nothing earth shattering or horrible that happened.  It was just a day where, by the end of it, you felt like the world had beat you up.  Work was frustrating and my personal life wasn't much better.  I spent a good portion of the evening stressing and over thinking every little thing.  Things that more than likely will never happen - I spent hours worrying about them.  No matter how hard I tried to, I couldn't stop the downward over thinking spiral.

At the end of the day, I so desperately wanted someone to come home to.  Someone who would give me a hug when I got home and tell me that they were sorry I had a long day.  Someone I could have texted an S.O.S. to earlier in the day - long frustrating day ahead, bring lots of wine tonight. xoxo  But alas there was no one send the text to.  It was another day where I had to take care of myself - go to bed early and pray that tomorrow will be a better day. 


Until Next Time,

Goals for 2013 - Updated

Since we are basically half way through 2013, I thought I would give an update on where I stand on each goal that I wanted to achieve

1. To start running.  Yes running.  I've only ever run when fight or flight kicked in.  Running for enjoyment is totally foreign to me.  It looks nice when I see others running, so here's to hoping I don't get chased by random dogs and survive.  - Update: I haven't even started walking, much less running.  I have been horrible about working out.  By the end of the day, I am way to tired to work out.  So starting Monday, I will be getting up at 4:30 each morning to work out before work. 
2. To get closer to God.  I feel like all relationships need work to survive and this includes spiritual ones as well.  - Update: I feel like my relationship with God is growing on a daily basis.  I really enjoy the Jesus Calling app.  Every morning I take a few minutes to read the new entry for each day and have prayer time.
3. To spend more time on me.  By this I mean listening to my true feelings and emotions and honoring them.  Also working through different courses that help me to learn more and grow. - Update: I have learned to say "no" more to other and "yes" more to me.  Not everyone is going to like your answers and that's OK.  You don't have to please anyone but yourself.
4. To read more.  There are currently 71 books on my Barnes & Nobles wish list.  I buy one and add three it seems. - Update: Yes I am reading more, but I am also adding more books to my wish list.  It currently has 96 books on it.  I need a job where I read books 24/7.
5. To be more vulnerable and brave.  No one wants to be vulnerable, but that's when life's greatest moments happen. - Update: I have taken a few leaps of faith this year.  One really scared me, but that's usually when you know you made the right decision. 

I also hope to start blogging more.  I have a few topics I will be writing about in the coming days and weeks.  How are you doing on your goals for 2013?


Until Next Time,



 

Valuing Your Time

I don't watch a significant amount of television, but one of my guilty pleasures is Shark Tank.  For those of you who don't watch, the show has five successful millionaire/billionaire business men and women who listen to people's business plan.  If the shark loves the idea, then they can invest their own money into the business.  My favorite part is listening to the sharks give advice and think out each business.  The one thing I hear Mark Cuban talk about over and over again is whether a business is worth his time.  He may love the product and really want to invest, but if the company needs a significant amount of his time, then he usually backs out.

After hearing this numerous times, I decided to try and implement this thinking into my life.  I looked at everything I do and tried to decide does it bring me value and happiness as a person.  Some things I eliminated completely.  Others I adjusted. Of course, reading and baseball will never go away.   I also learned that I don't know how people who are married and/or have kids do it.  Seriously.  I just have me to take care of and I feel like I'm barely capable of that.  Here's a little snapshot of what I have to juggle (be prepared to laugh): work, working out, reading, writing, job searching and family time.  I wasn't kidding when I said I don't know how others do everything in their lives.   

One of the first things I worked on was TV time.  Normally I would come home from work, turn on the TV and just watch whatever until it was time to start getting ready for bed.  I was wasting those precious few hours at night doing nothing and I wasn't gaining anything from the TV I was watching.  I went through and decided which TV shows I really enjoyed and which ones I was just killing time with.  Now there are days when I don't even turn the TV on. 

Another area I evaluated was my job.  I love my co-workers, but I'm bored and I'm not making enough money.  Therefore a change needs to be made.  As I apply for jobs and go on interviews, the main thing I consider is - is this job worth my time?  Will I be making enough money to support myself, will I be challenged mentally, will I have opportunities to grow? 

Learn to tell other people no and tell yourself yes.  I love and adore my family, but I don't need to go to every single family dinner or outing.  Some days I tell them I don't want to go and instead stay home, enjoy the peace of an empty house and regroup.  The quite time I spend alone will make me a better daughter and sister.  I promise you, true friendships/relationships won't end because you occasionally tell someone you don't want to spend time with them. 

When it comes to dating, yes I would like to be in a relationship, but I'm not rushing it.  I know it will happen when the time is right, so for now I am soaking up this extra time I have being single.  I also don't go on dates just to say I went on a date.  I am big about not wasting my time or theirs when I know there is no chemistry or future.

Evaluate your life.  Are you valuing your time the way you want or are there changes that need to be made?

Until Next Time,

Book Details

So last year I decided to write a book.  It's a romance novel where the main character not only gets the guy, but she'll fall in love with herself as well.  I was raring to go and wrote roughly 11 pages.  And then nothing.  I couldn't decide where I wanted the story to go.  I literally could not make a single decision on the book.  I shelved it and knew that when the time was right I would come back to it.  Well, the time is right.

A little over a week ago I was in the shower and all of a sudden the story came to me.  I jumped out of the shower and wrote nearly 5 pages of notes and ideas.  Since then I have spent a ridiculous amount of hours researching the storyline.  I never would have imagined this much research would go into a book.  Even though this is a fictional romance novel, I want the "real" parts of the story to be as accurate as possible. 

Names have been picked, pictures of characters have been chosen and a rough storyline has been drafted.  As I make progress on the book, I will post sneak peeks here. 

I am very excited for this next chapter in my life, though I'm not sure I will have much of a personal life for the next while.

Until Next Time,

Weeds

"Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers" Kelly Clarkson, Sober

 

 

One of my all time favorite songs is Sober by Kelly Clarkson.  I love this song because it can be interpreted many different ways.  Any which way you look at it, it's a powerful song.  Today when I was listening to it, the line picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers stuck with me.  How powerful would it be to change all of the bad parts of us and keep the good ones simply by deciding to make the necessary changes?

 

Throughout our lives we all have various spring cleanings that are for our soul.  Sometimes we remove certain people from our lives, whether by ending a relationship or friendship.  Sometimes we remove bad habits and introduce healthy ones to our lives.  Sometimes we stop wearing clothes that don't flatter us and start wearing clothes that do.  And occasionally, we examine our lives and realize that changes need to be made.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. 

I've been examining all aspects of my life recently and I've realized that changes need to be made in nearly every area.  While I am a big advocate of change, actually making the necessary changes is not always easy.  I especially love when my life has a routine.  It's peaceful and comforting.  The area where I currently need the most change - my job.  I love most aspects of my job - a ten minute commute, most days are fairly routine, having the greatest co-workers ever, knowing what is expected out of me.  What's not to love?  Now my biggest goal for myself in 2013 is to be financially able to live on my own again.  I am desperate for that freedom.  The one thing that is currently holding me back from living on my own - not making enough money at my job.  Which can only mean one thing - change.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

I would rather go on one hundred blind dates than search for a new job.  I hate every part of it.  I've been at my current company for six and a half years.  I had to search to find out where to look for jobs.  Every job I look at, I doubt myself.  I'm very confident at my current job, but what if I can't do something basic at a new company?  Fear and doubt has crept in and taken up residence in my confidence.  I've been incredibly lucky to have a short commute and amazing co-workers.  I've already started preparing to drive much further every day.  What if I can't stand my future co-workers?  This change, my friends, will not be an easy one.  But I need this change more than any other.

My life is very simple.  I work.  I have a even simpler and quieter personal life.  It's non-existent.  I rarely go out.  I'm usually at home reading.  That's it.  I soon will be twenty-nine and I'm finally coming to the realization that Mr. Right will not coming knocking on my door. (Very lazy on his part if I do say so myself!)  Honestly, I think the poor fella is lost and I have to help him find his way to me, but that's another story.  The only way I can do that is by getting out of my comfort zone.  Shake up all aspects of my life.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

Changing my career is not the only change I need to make.  I need to start working out more frequently.  I really need to start practicing yoga and Pilate's again.  And let's not get started on my writing.  I need to bring back the parts of me that I have loved and missed and maybe even find new pieces that I never knew about.  I need to pick all of my weeds and keep the flowers.

What weeds to you need to pick and what flowers do you want to keep?



Until Next Time,

Fear

If I'm completely honest, I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid.  Part of me believes I was born fearful.  When I was probably 5-6 years old, at night I would roll over in bed and swear I could see people.  I would wake up scared out of my mind.  Once I could gain the courage, I would sprint across the house to my parents bedroom.  Many of those nights my dad would walk me around the house (and sometimes even the outside of the house) to show me that there was no one else there.  Thankfully it was discovered that the "people" I saw were actually created from a nightlight and some poorly placed stuffed animals.

My middle school years were spent in the Virgin Islands.  Life is completely different there.  It's not the safe hot tourist spot that everyone thinks that it is.  At least it wasn't when we lived there.  Though I dealt with fear when I was younger, I started dealing with fear (and anxiety) on a nearly daily basis at this point in my life.  For all of the beauty that the island holds, there is also a ton of ugly. 

High school was a beast.  While I was elated to finally be back stateside, I was not at all prepared for how high school would be.  In my mind, high school would be a lot like Saved by the Bell.  I was some kind of pissed when I discovered that it wasn't!  All kidding aside, the best way I can describe those four years is by saying it that nearly every minute of every day was a huge struggle.  Everything hit rock bottom at once for me during these years - anxiety/panic attacks, eating disorder, depression and especially fear.  I went to a high school that was incredibly large and I do not like crowds.  Freshman year we were off site and at first it wasn't so bad.  Then the tragedy at Columbine occurred.  I just never imagined that something so horrible could happen at a high school.  From that day until the end of our school year, we had constant (and incredibly frustrating) bomb threats.  My fear and anxiety skyrocketed.

The main high school campus was a whole different nightmare.   There was incredible overcrowding, constant fights, arrests, threats, etc.  As soon as I woke up each morning, I immediately started panicking that I would be late to school or that they would decide to ring the bell early and I would be late.  Once I would get to school (and I was usually there very early each morning) the panic and anxiety would switch to worrying about my upcoming classes.  Also, at this point in my life, every second of every day was filled with some kind of worry.  What if this happened and what if that occurred.  Rarely, if ever, did the "what if's" actually happen.  I don't know if I can put into words how real those numerous fears felt at those very moments.  Logically I can look back and completely see how extreme the worrying and fear was, but there is also a part of me that can completely understand it.

Since high school I have dealt with fear on and off.  There were times when it overwhelmed me so much that I could barely get out of bed or leave my house.  It was absolutely crippling.  There were also times when I was almost completely fear free.  Recently the fear has come back.  A few months ago one of my younger sisters started driving and turned 18.  My youngest sister is nearly a teen and growing up more and more everyday.  When I realized that I could no longer protect them, fear set in.  I started preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, in case something horrible happened to them.  Or anyone in my family for that matter.  I finally decided that I'm completely over living my life this way and knew that I needed to take steps to face my fears head on, once and for all.

Starting January 14th I will be taking an e-course called 30 Days of Cultivating Courage.  Every day you get an email with lesson or activity in which you will have to be courageous and face a fear.  Once this program is complete, I will start a 40 day fear cleansing e-course.  I know facing these fears is not going to be easy, but it is absolutely necessary.

Do you have to deal with rational or irrational fears?  What steps have you taken to conquer your fears?


Until Next Time,