A Letter to ED

One thing that has brought me a lot of comfort has been to write letters to different people (myself, God, future husband, etc).  They usually aren't very long, just a little note in my journal with whatever is on my heart at that very moment.  Today I decided to write a letter to ED - my eating disorder.

Dear ED,

You've been in my life since I was 11 years old.  You came in to my life when I had no one and you became my best friend.  I no longer had to focus on living in a strange new place, I just shifted my focus to controlling what went in to my body and why.  Screw thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Any time one of those little bastards came up (especially the uncomfortable ones) we would shove it down with food. 

We became quite the team, you and I.  One day, just binging on the food wasn't enough.  You had the bright idea to start purging.  At the time I thought you were a genius.  Seriously - it was us against the world.  We had our binge/purge routine down and everyday it was on instant repeat. 

But as I got older, it became harder and harder to keep you a secret.  Trying to think up different reasons as to why I would randomly throw up, on top of the fact that I was scared someone would figure us out just became too much.  One night I hit my rock bottom and went online to research our relationship.  I learned that our relationship wasn't healthy and that there were places I could go to get help.

When I went to California, I was scared out of my mind.  Not only was this my first trip alone, but I was going to have to learn all of the reasons our relationship was bad.  I was going to have to try and face the world without you.  By the time I left treatment, I thought I knew everything.  I thought we were done and I was moving on with my life.  Boy was I wrong.

That was in 2005 and I was 21.  Here I am at 28 and you're still a part of my life.  I guess on some level you will always be.  I know that I cannot depend on you anymore.  Here are some hard life lessons that I've had to learn:  your life isn't going to turn out how you planned it and that's OK.  No matter how hard it is, just be you.  Even on the days when you feel like the world is against you.  Just. Be. You.  Also, emotions and feelings aren't as bad as I thought they were.  They're actually pretty nice.  Even the not so nice ones.  They help you stay grounded.  And lastly, as scary as it is, it's OK to ask for help.  And for love and affection.  In fact, demand it.  But don't lose your integrity for it.

So ED, the time has come to say goodbye.  I'm OK on my own.  I don't need you anymore.  I know you'll be in the background getting stronger, but don't worry - so will I.

Warmly,

Sarah



Until Next Time,

Goals for 2013

Yes I realize it is only September, but I have already started setting my personal goals for 2013.  I'm not a big New Year's resolution fan.  There's just something about setting a goal at the same time as the rest of the world that doesn't sit well with me.  Instead I like to set personal and professional goals for myself throughout the year. 

The goals I set for myself for 2012 were: to learn to love my outside body as much as I loved who I am inside, to continue to work out and finish losing a certain amount of weight, to be brave and step outside of my comfort zone and to do yoga and Pilate's.  For the most part, I did really good with my goals.  I did learn to love my outside body as much as I love who I am inside.  I started yoga and Pilate's and LOVED it!  I was brave and I did step outside of my comfort zone.  I did not finish losing weight.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I ended up gaining 10 pounds.  All in all, I've had a successful 2012.

I've done a lot of thinking and praying recently and here are some of the goals I've set for myself for 2013 (though I've already started working on them now):

1. To start running.  Yes running.  I've only ever run when fight or flight kicked in.  Running for enjoyment is totally foreign to me.  It looks nice when I see others running, so here's to hoping I don't get chased by random dogs and survive. 
2. To get closer to God.  I feel like all relationships need work to survive and this includes spiritual ones as well.
3. To spend more time on me.  By this I mean listening to my true feelings and emotions and honoring them.  Also working through different courses that help me to learn more and grow.
4. To read more.  There are currently 71 books on my Barnes & Nobles wish list.  I buy one and add three it seems.
5. To be more vulnerable and brave.  No one wants to be vulnerable, but that's when life's greatest moments happen.

What are your goals for 2013?


Until Next Time,

Letter to Myself

The past few weeks have been slightly challenging.  In light of this, I have decided to post the letter I wrote to myself last year again.  There are things in this letter that I need to remind myself of. 


Dear Sarah,

Don't let your fears hold you back from experiencing life. Be brave. Be courageous. Take leaps of faith. Ultimately learn to Be your journey. Learning this is life changing.

Be a kid as long as you can. You'll miss not having a childhood later. And being an adult is not always all it’s cracked up to be.

In those really dark moments where you contemplate ending your life, know that it does get better.

The eating disorder that started when you were twelve and became your best friend for many many years will eventually help lead you to discovering who you are.

Don’t ever forget those moments of aloneness and loneliness. There will come a time when you will wish you could have some alone time. Enjoy all of your single years because you won’t be single forever. You won’t start dating or even marry when you think. Stay strong and keep faith during those days when you wonder if God has forgotten you. He hasn’t. God gives you everything you need when you're ready. Don’t ever stop believing that. He will give you the family you’ve always wanted and needed later on in life.

Learn about your feelings and acknowledge them. Even the hate, anger and sadness. Those feelings make you human. Sit with the pain. Even take it with you on your journey. Pain can be a beautiful thing so learn as much as you can from it. And as much as you try to deny it, you are human and you love and feel and just want to be accepted as is.

Have more fun. Don’t be so serious. Let loose. Life is too short to be so serious and stressed.

Let people in. It can be incredibly scary, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

Your mom – the day will come when you realize you're better off without her. Don’t spend another second trying to win her love, affection or attention. You will never get it. She will cause the first, and most painful, broken heart of your life. Realize that it’s not you that caused her to be the way she is. The sooner you realize it the better off you’ll be. And it’s OK to feel sad and grieve those moments in your life when you want or need a mother and don’t have one. In the end, not having this significant relationship will cause you to trust yourself more and to fill your own toolbox with life experiences.

Stop trying to be invisible because of your size. The sooner you start loving yourself and your body, the better off you’ll be.

Make sure you love yourself more than anyone else can. It will help raise the standard on how much love you deserve. And you do deserve to be loved.

Not every decision or relationship is black and white. It’s confusing and difficult but try and accept the gray areas.

Believe in yourself. Dream big. Know you are worth it.

Love,

The older, wiser you



If you wrote a letter to your younger self, what would you say?


Until Next Time,

 

Expectations

A major part of life is dealing with expectations.  Your expectations for yourself, your co-workers expectations of you, your spouses/significant others expectations for you and your expectations for others.  Most people have higher expectations for themselves than for others.  It makes perfect sense.  You need to lead by example.  But what happens when you fail to meet your own expectations?

During December 2011 I decided to give myself a little break on working out and eating cleanly every day.  I still tried to eat as clean as possible, but with all of the holiday parties going on, I gave myself the chance to not worry about calories or carbs and just enjoy food.  When I gave myself this little break, I also made goals that I expected I would start following come January 1st.  I was amped up and ready to go.  And then January came and went and nothing happened.  I had absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING that I had expected I would be doing.  I felt disengaged from myself and from life.  I was exhausted all of the time.  February came and went as well and still nothing. 

It was at this point that anxiety set in.  All I could think about were the goals I had set for myself and how I was doing NOTHING to accomplish some of them.  While I was working diligently to learn to love my exterior as much as I love my interior, I was not working out, eating as healthy as I should or doing yoga.  When I should have been working on the two books I am writing, I was sleeping hoping I could finally get enough sleep to knock the exhaustion I felt down a notch. 

I finally went to the doctor and found out that my vitamin D level was very low.  I was given a prescription for a higher dosage of vitamin D.  It is now September and I am still on the prescription dosage because somehow my levels have managed to drop lower than they previously were.  So what do you do when you've gained 10 pounds instead of losing 40?  When in the past two months you've written one page for your first book and haven't started the second book? 

You readjust your expectations.  No I didn't lose the 40 pounds like I planned (and instead gained 10), but I have also learned to love my exterior as much as I love my interior.  I never thought that was possible unless I finished losing weight.  I still expect to finish losing weight, I just realize that it probably won't be by the end of this year.  Like I told someone this morning, I would rather have a life filled with wonderful memories than a life filled with counting calories and exercise routines. 

Life happens.  You can only control so much.  And if you are spending too much time on something that is not bringing you joy and happy memories, readjust your expectations and move on. 


Until Next Time,

Conversations with God

If you are anything like me, then you have lots of conversations with God.  Sometimes you even question if he has forgotten about you.  Case in point, the other night I was listening to the song "Can Anybody Hear Me" by Meredith Andrews.  The song is about a person who is praying to God, but hearing nothing in return.  They haven't given up faith, but they need something to help keep them going and believing.  I know exactly how they feel. 

Recently I prayed and asked God to take control of a situation and asked Him to let me know, good or bad, what the outcome would be.  And I got nothing but silence.  Not even crickets, just silence.  Well, this can't be good, I thought.  So is that I no?  Every fleeting thought ended with me trying to decipher whether that was a sign or not.  First I was hurt, then I was frustrated.  Why can't He just give me something. 

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and have a very special prayer with God letting him know exactly what I needed from Him (I know, I'm a control freak!).  It went a little something like this:  "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all of the many blessings in my life.  Without You, we are nothing.  Father, I need your help with this situation.  Since You know my entire life story, start to finish, you already know about the issue and you also know the end result.  I know I need to work on my patience and I am, but I'm also insanely confused and feeling very much out of my league trying to figure everything out.  So could you please be a little more clear with your signs?  I don't understand vagueness very well.  I also don't understand men very well (the confusing situation).  Every guy I like doesn't like me and I don't understand the guys who like me.  They have a very odd way of showing it.  It's all just so very confusing.  I really did think I would have dating and guys figured out by now Lord.  So Father, anything that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.  Can you just give me something?  Thank you again for all of the blessing in my life.  In Jesus' name we pray.  Amen."

This prayer was sent out a few weeks ago.  To date I still don't have a definite answer.  Just lots of confusion and frustration and ... hope.  I have learned a major life lesson during this time - no matter how frustrated you get with God, he never leaves your side.  No matter how much you believe it, He hasn't forgotten about you.   In my case, He's just teaching me to be patient and learn to have complete faith in Him.

What are some of the conversations that you've had with God?  Was there a time when you felt that He forgot about you? 


Until Next Time,

Shine

Recently I read a tweet on Twitter about a 31-day self-acceptance journey called Shine.  I was instantly intrigued.  This could be the perfect opportunity for me to continue my personal journey towards complete self love and acceptance.  I was directed to Rosie Molinary's website.  Here is how Shine was described on her website:

a 31 day guide to embracing your authentic, beautiful self

so you can be lit from within to live your passion and purpose

and give your gifts to the world

I was immediately hooked.  Every day in August there will be a new challenge to help you along your journey.  At the end of the day you go back to her website and leave a comment about your experience with the challenge.  And it gets better.  There are prizes!!  This is one journey that I simply cannot wait to start. 

I'm going to find ways to Shine on my journey to self acceptance.  Will you join me?


Until Next Time,

Answered Prayers

Many days and nights (especially this year) have been spent praying for peace and understanding as to why I was still single and would I ever be able to fully love my body as it was.  Those were my two big issues that I needed answers on.  I either wanted to be in a relationship or I needed some kind of understanding as to why it hasn't happened yet.  And my main goal for 2012 was to be able to fully love my body.

The past two to three weeks have been so amazing because I have finally been able to get the answers that I so desperately wanted and needed.  Something inside of me just flipped and suddenly I am so grateful to be single.  Don't get me wrong, there are many days when I would love nothing more than to go home and cuddle with Mr. Right or just hold his hand, but I'm not wasting another second being single.  I have realized that being single just may be the greatest thing ever!  If I want to come home and nap, I do.  Watch two sporting events at one time?  Done.  Spend the day in my pajamas napping.  Yes please!  I am able to be 100% selfish, and though I know it won't last forever, I am thoroughly enjoying every second of it. 

The learning to fully love my body has been more of a challenge, but it has gotten better over the past few months.  Last night I saw a quote (and sadly I cannot find the picture of it today) on Pinterest that said something like "Being fat doesn't change who I am, it's just something that I have."  Reading this was a huge moment for me.  For so long I had always thought that because I am fat, I have to settle or not get the things in life that I want.  It never dawned on me that the fat is just something I have, but it does not define who I am as a person.  It's the same as me saying I have brown hair, therefore I am less of a person.  If my hair color doesn't change who I am as a person, then why should my pants size? 

Back in 2005 I went to a rehab center for a couple of weeks to get help for my eating disorder.  Throughout my stay there they had us complete a journal about various topics.  While I was cleaning out my room this past weekend, I stumbled across the journal.  As I read through it, I discovered how much I have changed since then.  For instance, in one entry I wrote that I wanted to be as skinny as Paris Hilton.  Now I want to be happy and healthy.  I no longer care what exact weight or pants size I am, I just want to be happy and healthy.  The twenty-one year old me never would have believed that I could not only love who I was as a person, but I could actually love the body that houses that person as well.  It was another sweet moment of seeing how much you can change for the better. 

There is such a personal freedom that comes when you get your questions answered.  A huge weight is suddenly lifted off of your shoulders and you realize that you can live your life, happily and peacefully, how you see fit.  You no longer feel the need to compare yourself to others and the self criticism drops drastically.  It is, hands down, one of the best feelings in the world.


Until Next Time,

Describing You

A few weeks ago my therapist and I were talking about my job.  During the conversation I came to the realization that if you were to ask me who I am, my actual real job of being a financial specialist would never enter the equation.  I would describe myself more as a writer and researcher, but never a financial specialist.  It's my job, but it's not who I am.

Last night while getting ready for bed I had an aha moment.  I suddenly asked myself how many hours I spend every day counting calories, stressing about what I have or have not eaten, what my weight is and how much I hate a certain body part.  After spending a few minutes thinking it through, I realized that I spend a good amount of my day doing one of those things.  And when I say a good amount, I mean many hours.  The realization made me sad.  Because if I were asked to describe who I am as a person, I know for a fact that how many calories I had (or didn't have) that day or what my weight was or if I was fat would never be considered.  These are things that I do or worry about, but it's not who I am.

If I were to describe who I am I would say: writer/research nerd, daughter/sister/mother (to Tessa), lover of life, worshiper of God, yoga fanatic, loving/compassionate/loyal human being, friend, book reading enthusiast, animal lover, music connoisseur, die hard Boston Red Sox fan, Shark Week fan and all around crazy fun girl who loves being from Texas.  This is who I am.  Do you see the difference?  Just because you do something doesn't mean it's who you are or who you have to be. 

After I had my realization last night, I vowed to start focusing more on who I am and doing what makes me happy in life.  I do actually enjoy eating healthy and doing yoga and Pilate's.  I despise living in the vicious cycle of constant calorie(or points) counting and then trying to figure out how many minutes of exercise I need to break even for the day.  Don't even get me started on my dysfunctional relationship with the scale.  When I take the daily thought out of what I eat and how much exercise I do, I actually do better with both.  Make an effort to be happy and genuine happiness will follow.

Take a few minutes and think about how you would describe yourself.  What would you say?  Do any of the items that you deem a flaw enter your self description?

Found here

Until Next Time,

Facing Fears

I am a big believer that you really grow as a person when you face your fears.  And normally when I have faced fears in the past, the reality of the situation was no where near as bad as I had made the fear out to be.  That was until this past week.  I faced two fears head on and the result was my sweet sister Hannah talking me through an epic crying meltdown.  I really don't know how she managed to keep a straight face and not fall over laughing while I was mid-meltdown, but I love her more for it!

The first fear I faced was taking boudoir photos.  This was something I had wanted to do for a while, but it took some time for me to work up the courage to actually do it.  These photos were a part of my adventure towards self love.  Taking them was something I wanted to do for me and only me.  Hannah agreed to be my photographer and was brilliant.  Now I usually just take pictures with my iPhone, while Hannah fully understands the art of photography.  I had to learn how to do multiple poses while being photographed.  I quickly learned that I am far to impatient and was not meant to be a model.  After Hannah edited the pictures and gave me the final cuts, I sat  down to look at them.  My first instinct was to find every flaw on my body and point it out and I did this a lot.  Finally I took the final pictures and looked at them alone in private.  I said a quick prayer and then forced myself to find the good in me in each of the pictures.  Finally I was able to see the beauty in the pictures. 

I then decided to look at the rest of the unedited photos.  Biggest. Mistake. Ever.  My inner critic had a field day.  I couldn't decided if I wanted to eat everything in sight because of the bad emotions coming up or if I wanted to stop eating all together because of my size.  As hard as I try, sometime (well most of the time) I still see myself as I was before I lost weight.  And the unedited photos did nothing to help that.  When I decided to take the pictures, I thought that they would make me automatically fall in love with my body.  While I am proud of myself for facing my fear, learning to love my body as is is still a work in progress.

The second fear that I faced sprung up out of nowhere and smacked me in the face.  For the first time since high school (10 years ago) I have an actual crush on a guy.  Normally when I see a good looking guy, that's as far as it goes.  I acknowledge to myself that he's easy on the eyes and I enjoy the view.  End of story.  I haven't allowed myself to have crushes because it means I have to be open and vulnerable and take a leap of faith.  And I have to do all of these scary things with a guy who is a stranger.  It's just easier to enjoy the eye candy.  While I admit that being open and vulnerable and taking leaps of faith are incredibly important, there are moments when they suck.  The suckiness is usually right before the goodness hits, but that's beside the point.  You still have to go through the sucky parts. 

I sat crying to Hannah, "I'm now 28 years old.  What the hell am I doing crushing on some guy.  I think I've officially lost my mind." (Repeat this doing the ugly cry and you'll understand how dramatic I was) She quickly informed me that this is a normal part of life and that it's a good thing that I'm letting myself experience this.  If I had it my way, Mr. Right would walk up to me, tell me he's right for me, I would feel some spark which would lead me to believe him, we would date, marry and live happily ever after.  Apparently in life you don't always get your way. 

This crush fear boiled down to my one big fear - my lack of experience when it comes to dating.  I feel very lost and confused and lacking when it comes to dating because I've never really done this before.  As petrified as I am of being open and vulnerable regarding this crush, seeing him does make me feel pretty giddy.  So when the bad feelings come up, I try to remember the giddiness and pray for some sort of resolution soon.

Facing fears is never easy, but it is a necessary part of life and growing as a person.  What are some of the fears that you have faced?  Was the reality as bad as the fear?  How did you face them?

Until Next Time,

My Journey to Body Love and Acceptance

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." ~ Oscar Wilde

My main goal for 2012 was plain and simple: learn to love my exterior body as much as I love my interior self.  For far too many years I spent my life trying to be the person that everyone else wanted me to be.  I did nothing good for myself and I ended up hating myself for it immensly.  The past two years have involved lots of hard work to become the person I wanted and needed to be.  But once I got to the point where I adored the person I became, I absolutely hated my body.  And I mean hated with a capital H.

I am incredibly proud to have lost 92 pounds, but it does certain things to your body and they aren't always appealing.  Once I realized that there was a huge disconnect between my inner and outer self, I quickly came to the realization that I was the only person who could change these feelings.  This was when I decided to make it my number one goal for myself for 2012.

I started by making a concious decision to be kinder to myself.  Believe me when I say that this is easier said than done, but it is very necessary.  I looked at older pictures of myself, so I could see how far I've come and what a difference I have made.  I also made another concious decision to like and/or follow people and companies on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr who feature healthy plus sized women who are closer to my size.  Let's face it, lots of places say that they are for plus sized women, but their definition of plus sized is a 6.  When you see lots of happy healthy women who are your size, you don't feel like such a whale.  You feel normal.

One of the greatest things that I have done is to start practicing yoga.  I was petrified to start yoga because I thought it was only for skinny people.  Boy was I wrong.  The first time I completed a session there were tears of joy in my eyes.  Not only had I faced a huge fear and conquered it, but I did something where I was able to love my entire body.  It didn't matter that my stomach wasn't the size I want it to be, I could still stand on one foot, bend down and lift my other leg all the way in the air like a pro!

The most important thing I have learned in my journey to body love and acceptance is to make yourself a priority.  You get to set the standards for how everyone else gets to treat you, so you better set them high.  No my body is not perfect, but no one else's is either. 

How have you learned to love you inner and outer self? 

Until Next Time,

Music Makes The World Go 'Round

One of the many things that I have inherited from my dad is a serious love of music.  When I was in the womb he would sing silly songs to me and when I was born I knew his voice first.  When I was in elementary school, on the mornings that he was able to take me to school we would blast 60's Party Rock all the way.  Music is the one thing that can completely calm my nerves and change my mood.  You know it's a good song when you feel it deep in your soul.  From the time I get up until I go to bed, music is playing 90% of the time.  Below is a list of my top 20 favorite songs and the newest artists that I am loving.  With nearly 2000 songs downloaded, this was no easy feat. (Side note: I tried to do a top 10, but I love too many songs.  Also, I realized what a sap I am when it comes to music)

1. Let It Be Me - Ray LaMontagne.  I can listen to this song a million times and it never gets old.  I already know this will be the first dance song at my wedding one day.  It's so powerful and honest.
2. New Favorite Memory - Brad Paisley.  This song makes me think of what it's like to be in a new relationship and you find all of the things you love about the person you are with.
3. Never Stop - SafetySuit.  I love everything this band does.  Listen closely to the words.
4. My Girl Tonight - Jon McLaughlin.  There is such a vulnerability with this song. 
5. NKOTBSB Mash Up. It's a mash up of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys.  Enough said.
6. I Look to You - Selah.  There is a video on YouTube of lead singer Amy Perry talking about her struggle with her weight which lead her to write this song.  Very inspirational song.
7. Boston - Augustana.  Even though I am a Texas girl, I love Boston sports teams.  This song has nothing to do with sports, but I can listen to it on repeat!
8. I Ain't Ready to Quit - Jason Aldean.  "If you think you've seen love, you ain't seen nothing yet."  The line just gets to me.
9. The Sound of a Million Dreams - David Nail.  He could sing the phonebook and it would be amazing. This song really showcases his amazing voice.
10. One and Only - Adele.  "I dare you to let me be your one and only.  I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms."  Holy amazing lyrics and song.  And it's Adele!
11. Sober - Kelly Clarkson.  The words of this song hit home with me when I struggle with my eating disorder.  Powerful song that brings me to tears every time I hear it.
12. When I Look At You - Lesley Roy.  Fun and upbeat song to brighten your day.
13. Lovers and Friends - Lil Jon.  One of the best songs ever. 
14. Contagious - The Isley Brothers.  I know every word of this song, including the conversation part.  I sing it when I'm doing the dishes.
15. Can Anybody Hear Me - Meredith Andrews.  She is an amazing Christian singer.  For anyone who has ever wondered if God has forgotten them, this song is for you.
16. Forever - Ben Harper.  Who doesn't want to be someones forever?
17. Touch - Josh Abbott Band.  This song just rocks!
18. While I'm Waiting - John Waller.  Heard this song while watching Fireproof.  Amazing movie and an even more amazing song. 
19. These Arms of Mine - Otis Redding.  I could listen to Mr. Redding all day and night. 
20. Suffocate - J. Holiday.  What girl doesn't want to hear a guy say that she takes his breath away?

Here are a couple of albums that I'm currently obsessed with:

Ryan Star 11:59

The more I listen to this album, the more I love it.  Rock/Alternative music.

Josh Gracin Redemption

He can sing the heck out of a song.  Country

Green River Ordinance Under Fire

Hannah originally introduced me to them.  Loving their new album. Alt-Rock

Who are your favorite bands and/or singers?  What are your favorite songs?

Until Next Time,



Updates

First off, I apologize for the delay in posts.  You know the saying, "be care what you wish for?"  Well I'm learning that lesson at work.  I was bored, asked for more work and now I am overwhelmed.  I know it will get better, but this month has been insane.  Hopefully I will start to have more time for the blog.

I wanted to update you on two issues that I have been working on this year.  The first goal I had for myself this year was to find my passion.  Figure out what it was that made me happy and do it.  I am happiest when I am writing.  So after talking to my dad and step mom, I decided to write a book.  The book is continuously changing.  It was going to be a romance book with a plus size female.  Then I realized I didn't know what that would look like.  So now not only does she fall in love with a man, she falls in love with herself.  I feel that these are both important topics for plus sized women and I hope I do the story justice.

The other thing that I really wanted to work on this year was my body image. I really didn't know how or where to begin on this one, but I knew that it was very important to me.  I am completely comfortable not being stick thin, but I still see myself as I was before I lost 92 pounds.  I started by subscribing to various things on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr that promote healthy plus sized women.  That way whenever I would log on, I would see these gorgeous women.  Let me tell you, it has helped tremendously.  I've also decided that even though I still want to lose more weight, I am happy with where I am now.  The fatigue that I've been battling is starting to go away, so I hope to get back to working out a few days a week soon. 

What are your goals for yourself?  Have you accomplished any of them?  If so, how?  How do you plan to accomplish the one's that you are still working on?

Until Next Time,

Choosing ME Before WE

Last week I decided to browse through Barnes and Noble to see if I found any books that looked interesting.  As I was searching, Christine Arylo's Choosing ME Before WE came up.  As I read through it's description I was somewhat skeptical.  Not about the book being good, but did I really need a book about choosing me?  I'm single.  I choose me every day.  What do I want for dinner?  What do I want to do today?  After reading some of the reviews, I decided to purchase the book.  Once I downloaded it, I REALLY started thinking about how and when I choose me. 

Barely into the first chapter, I was hit with the realization that I had not been choosing me.  Well, at least not like I should have been.  Two years ago I did choose me when I took my mother out of my life, because I did it so I could focus on, learn about and love me.  Yes I have done that daily in the past two years.  But when I started focusing on myself, I did it because I wanted to be in a relationship after being single for 25 years.  I bettered myself so that I would be a great girlfriend and eventually a wife one day.  Have you ever driven home thinking about what it would be like to have someone waiting for you or gotten up in the morning and wondered what it would be like to have someone there getting ready for work while you are as well?  Have you ever imagined what it would feel like to hold someone else's hand so much you felt it in your bones?  These are the things I would think about when I needed to be thinking about me.

During my journey of reading this book, Christine talks about loving yourself.  Over the past two years I have learned to love myself something fierce.  Yes there are parts of me that I would like to better and change, but on every level, I love who I am.  No lie - I think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread!  Here's a funny thing though, even with all of this self love, I have never spoken the words "I love you" to myself.  Never.  At least not when tequila wasn't involved!  The truth of the matter is I have always wanted to hear those three magic words from a great guy.  It never dawned on me to tell myself, out loud, that I love Sarah when I feel it. They say one of the secrets to a happy and long lasting marriage is to fall in love with your spouse all over again every day.  If the most important relationship you have is with yourself, it makes sense that you would need to fall in love with yourself all over again ever day.  Do you?  I had never thought about it, but I will now! 

A month ago I did something I had never done in my life - I faced my fears and went to the movies by myself. Somehow in my 27 years of existence, I had never done this. I was scared people would judge or think I was some lonely cat lady. Instead I LOVED IT!! I may never go to the movies with others again! I got to sit wherever I wanted, spread out and enjoy a movie all by myself.  It was also incredibly freeing.  I was taking care of myself and listening to what I needed and wanted to do. 

Do you put yourself first in relationships?  Do you love yourself unconditionally?  Do you put ME before the WE?  If not, I highly recommend you pick up Christine Arylo's Choosing ME Before WE.


Until Next Time,

Wordless Wednesday

Found here

 

Found here

Until Next Time,

Mother's Day...

Truth be told there were other possible titles for this post. "Mother's Day Blows Chunks."  "Mother's Day Sucks."  "Crappiest Day of the Year."  Yesterday was a rough day.  A day that is meant to celebrate amazing women ended up being one of the most painful for me.  My mom isn't in my life anymore.  No she didn't pass away.  She just spent all of my life telling me that she wished she never had me and that I was the biggest mistake of her life. 

I've decided there really needs to be a day for people who had a**holes for mother's.  Where is our day?  Also, there should be a sale on tequila that day.

The relationship between mother and daughter is one of the most important relationships in life.  The mother spends many years grooming her daughter to be a woman one day. To be a woman, wife and mother.  A mother's love is like no other.  When rejection is given instead of love, that pain is second to none.  You're left to pick up the pieces and try to figure out what is so profoundly wrong with you.  All I saw yesterday were stories and articles and interviews from people who were blessed with amazing women who were so proud to be mother's. 

And all I could think was why was I given a defective mother, but others weren't.  What's so wrong with me that she didn't want to be my mom?   I know that she is the one with the problems and the issues are hers to deal with, but on days like yesterday you can't help but wonder why you were picked to win the crappy mom lottery.   All I know is that it's her loss and she is the one missing out on being a part of my really great life.   



Until Next Time,

Battle

For a large portion of my life, I completely ignored my feelings.  Pretended I was a robot and didn’t have any.  Hated the thought of acknowledging them because it made me vulnerable.  Vulnerability was weakness I would think.  Eventually I learned that it is courageous to admit and acknowledge your feelings and emotions.  You are actually being brave in those alleged moments of weakness.

One thing I have struggled with recently is how one day I can be completely fine with a particular issue (being single, my weight, etc) and the very next day I’m struggling with it.  How did this happen?  Just yesterday I was fine.  Can I hurry up and get it together?  When I talk to myself (in the not crazy kind of way!) I can be brutal and mean.  I’m stupid and weak because I can’t keep my emotions and feelings in line and together forever.  But for anyone else in the world who is going through the exact same thing that I am, I can be empathetic and compassionate.  "Of course your feelings and emotions will change."  "You’re only human."  "Any man would be incredibly lucky to have you. " "Just you wait – God will give you the right man at the right time and it will all make sense."  "You’re gorgeous just the way you are."  When I’m speaking to myself, terms like fatty and tubby and lazy are used.

A few months ago my therapist asked me (when I announced that I hated who I was as a child since I didn’t stand up for myself) what I would tell someone who was going through the issues I was.  If the other person said they hated who they were as a child, how would I respond to them?  Without hesitation I offered them advice full of love and support.  It was honest and compassionate.  She stopped me and asked why I couldn’t do the same thing for myself.  Wow!  I had never thought of it that way.  It was at that moment that I learned that when I can’t show myself support and love and compassion, I need to take a step back and think about what I would tell someone else who was in the same predicament.  Then I tell myself that advice. 

As I mentioned earlier, the two things I have been struggling with recently are my weight and being single.  Here is how I have handled both issues: being single can be both painful and liberating at the same time.  There is such a freedom in only having to worry about you.  You don’t have to cook anyone else dinner or do their laundry or talk to them first before making a decision.  It can also be lonely.  But I am very resolute in the fact that I would rather being single and alone than in a crappy relationship.  I am also surrounded by people who are in relationships.  It’s not always easy to watch everyone else be taken on dates to fancy restaurants or have gifts showered on them or have someone that supports them all the time.  But I am faithful in the fact that God WILL put the right man in my life at the right moment.  I just have to stand back and be patient (which I am not!).  My weight is more of a struggle.  Even though I’ve lost 92 pounds, I feel like I’m the same size I was before I lost any weight.  I see my body as it was 92 pounds ago, not what it is today.  I wonder if any man will ever fully love me at my size.  I wonder if I will ever fully love me at any size.  When these feelings come up, I do the one thing I NEVER thought I would be able to do: yoga.  And I prove to myself that just because I’m plus size doesn’t mean I’m not healthy and fit.

When you have moments of inner turmoil, how do you handle them?

Until Next Time,

Turning 30: 30 Things Every Woman Should Know and Have

I recently read this article on the Huffington Post, which was written by Glamour Magazine.  The title is 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Should Know by the time She's 30.  I'm two months away from turning 28, so I decided I would post the list and write whether I have experienced it or not. 


By 30, you should have ...
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. I've never had a boyfriend, but there are a guy or two that make me grateful for higher standards.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. - Don't have this.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. - Got it!
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. - I've got the purse and umbrella, not the suitcase.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. - Got it!
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. - I probably need to work on making my life a little more exciting. 
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it. - I have a 401K, does that count?
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you. - I've got all three things!
9. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded. - Got it!
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. - Blessed to have amazing friends.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. - I've got 1 of 3. 
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. - I need to work on this.
13. The belief that you deserve it. - Yes I deserve it, but I can't justify spending $200 on a purse. I do have expensive makeup though.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. - Just started Aveeno Positively Ageless skin care regimen, love yoga and Pilate's.  I'll face the other things head on as they come up!
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. - I have a good job, though it's not the career I envisioned for myself.  Now I just need to work on the satisfying relationship.

By 30, you should know ...
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. - Hard lesson to learn, but one of the most valuable to know.
2. How you feel about having kids. - Like kids, but they're not for me.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. - I don't know about any of these.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away. - Another difficult lesson to learn.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. - In my mind I'm a rock star at kissing.  In reality.....not so sure.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. - I know the first two, not the tailor.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. - I know this all too well.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing. - For everyday life I know this.  When new things pop up, I have to learn what my soul needs.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. - Tough things to learn.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. - Amen!
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. - Decide what your standards are and never lose your integrity.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. - Amen!
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. - Not everyone is meant to be in your life.  If they are, their presence may not be for positive reasons.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. - And if it is your fault, admit it, learn from it and move on.
15. Why they say life begins at 30 - Excited about the 30's.  I do have a couple more years to learn lessons and enjoy my 20's to the fullest.

What are your answers to these questions?

Until Next Time,

Things I'm Loving

The past few blog posts having been somewhat deep so this one is going to be a rundown of all the things I have tried recently and am loving.

A few months ago I purchased 20 Something 20 Everything by Christine Hassler.  I knew I was smack dab in the middle of my quarter-life crisis and I hoped this would help guide me through.  Boy did it.  This is not some book you just read and accept.  There is a lot of personal journaling and writing involved, but it is so worth it.  In working through this book I realized that I had grouped all men together because of something a random guy said to a friend years ago.  It's crazy to realize the things you let change you without your consent.

Last year I had purchased one of Gabrielle Bernstein's meditation albums and really enjoyed it.  This year she came out with Medi-Dating: Meditations for Fearless Romance.  It was my Valentine's gift to myself.  If you enjoy guided meditation and are single, you will really enjoy this album.  For me at least, the meditations reminded me to focus on making and keeping myself whole while seeking out my partner, instead of focusing so much on the nit picky "list" that we've all created.

One day I was walking through Target and went to look at the workout DVD's.  I came across the Yoga for Stress Relief and Flexibility DVD by Ashley Turner.  As I mentioned in a previous post, I had wanted to try yoga for years, but could never find a DVD where the instructor made me feel comfortable practicing.  They always made me feel guilty for not being a certain size, etc.  This DVD changed everything!  From the beginning Ashley makes you feel comfortable.  Throughout all of the positions she shows you the different stages where you can take each position.  Last night I did the Yoga for Weight Loss DVD for the first time.  What a great workout it was!  I now look forward to working out each night.

I kept hearing about the Naked by Urban Decay eye shadow set.  The colors were OK, but it is $50 and I wasn't sure how much I would use it.  Then I read that they came out with Naked 2.   Game on!  The colors are exactly what I am looking for and can guarantee I will use this set pretty much every day.  Though I haven't purchased it yet, I already feel like it will be well worth the cost.



I am the girl that watches sports, reads military books and can drop some serious money on makeup!  The book I am currently reading is The Red Circle by Brandon Webb.  He was a sniper for the Navy SEALS.  It's such a great book with lots of insight.  Must read!

I having been taking a bunch of vitamins to help lessen some of the perimenopause symptoms.  Normally they make me very nauseous;  however I have started taking them first thing in the morning with the help of these Bolthouse Farms drinks.  I usually drink either the Green Goodness or Vanilla Chai Tea.  I've had a bunch of their other flavors and they are all delicious!

What are some of the things that you love right now?

Until Next Time,

Falling Apart

When everything seems so wrong, your life isn't falling apart. God is rebuilding it to make you stronger and wiser. ~ Unknown

Found here



I've learned that sometimes you have to fall apart in order to put yourself back together.  Case in point, on Monday I completely fell apart while at therapy.  One minute I was good, the next there were tears.  And raw emotions.  This kind of thing tends to happen when I choose to ignore my feelings and emotions.  And I usually choose to ignore my feelings and emotions when they are bad ones.  I mean, who actually wants to deal with feeling sad or vulnerable or angry? 

And ignoring my real (and bad) feelings and emotions is exactly what I have been doing.  I have been using humor when discussing perimenopause.  The saying goes "you gotta laugh until it's time to cry."  Monday I needed to cry.  Because when I started talking about how I really felt, the real raw emotions came up.

Truth be told, having perimenopause makes me feel old. Instead of feeling 27, I feel 47.  I feel like there is another large con on the pro/con list of me.  Deep down I truly do not want kids, but I also don't want the choice taken away from me. 

I gave myself the rest of Monday to feel bad for myself, but come Tuesday I knew I needed to change my attitude.  In the big scheme of things, it's just perimenopause.  It could be so much worse.  I sat down and thought about the many many ways that I am blessed.  I'm healthy, I have amazing family and friends.  I love my job and co-workers.  Life is pretty freaking good. 

And while I'm not thrilled to experience hot flashes and mood swings again, I'll deal with them head on. 

Found here

Until Next Time,

Fatigue and Fraud

The past few months I haven't felt like myself.  Something was off, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  First I thought I was just being lazy.  Then I thought maybe I was depressed.  Last week I finally realized what it was - menopause.  And even thought this is the second time around, it kicked my butt as much as it did the first time.

A few years ago I went through early menopause (I had already been diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis).  Thanks to a vitamin regimen I was able to have most of the symptoms completely go away.  Just an FYI - menopause or perimenopause can be a sneaky little bastard.  I thought I was losing my mind.  Instead I'm going through menopause for a second time at the ripe age of 27.  Fantastic!

There is anxiety, hot flashes, depression, foggy mind, exhaustion and weight gain to deal with.  The anxiety and depression didn't sound any alarms.  I have dealt with both in my past and I knew I could get through them again.  The hot flashes haven't completely gone away, but they are rare and insanely annoying.  Have you ever been somewhere and seen a really hot guy?  Just as you start to make eye contact you start sweating like crazy and have to fan yourself to get any kind of relief.  Good times! The symptoms that really had me thinking - foggy mind, exhaustion and weight gain. 

There have been so many days where I am trying to focus on something and I just couldn't get my mind to follow along.  Quite a few times I would walk into the storage room at my office and have no clue what I was in there for.  Many nights I would come home with the best of intentions of writing a blog, but would stare at a screen at a loss as to what I should write about. 

The exhaustion has been a whole different beast.  I have never felt so tired in my entire life.  But not only am I tired, I also have insomnia.  There is nothing worse than not being able to sleep when you are exhausted.  Thankfully I have spent almost this entire weekend (including Friday) sleeping.  I'll sleep for 12 hours, wake up and barely be able to stay awake for 2 hours before I'm asleep again.  Most nights I come home, crawl into bed and fight to stay awake until 9 to 10.  There is something about that time frame where my internal clock turns and then I'm wide awake.  And exhausted.

The hardest thing to deal with is the weight gain.  It's not easy to admit that I've gained 10 pounds.  I have been horrifically hard on myself the past few months.  So many nights I would plan to work out or eat healthy, but by the time I'd get home, I'd barely be awake and would eat whatever.  People ask me all the time how I've lost 92 pounds and I can tell them in great detail what needs to be done.  But right now I couldn't do those things for myself.  And it makes me feel like a big fat fraud. 

I'm changing my diet and going back to what has worked for me in the past.  Cutting out processed foods, bad carbs and as much sugar as possible.  I'm also trying to eliminate as much sodium as possible as well.  My hope is that my hormones will stabilize soon and my metabolism will kick back in and do it's job. 

If there are more than a few days between posts, just know that I am doing my best to get myself back.

Until Next Time,

Just Me

My apologies for not having a post up sooner.  First I got really busy at work, then every time I would sit down to write a blog, I would end up staring at the screen.  There was just nothing to write about.  Then I realized that it's because I was happy and content.  And after a rollercoaster few months, it was such a blessing.  Sure I wish I was in a relationship or was thinner or made more money.  But in the large scheme of life, I have no complaints.  God has blessed me more than I could imagine.

While I have been sitting with my happiness and contentness, I also realized that I have been ignoring myself lately.  Tuning out what I really need.  Focusing on others instead of on me.  It can feel very selfish to simply focus on yourself and not on others.  So this post is going to be for me and about me and to remind me of who I really am!

I am totally and completely my fathers daughter (no matter how much I try and fight it!).  Watching a baseball game brings me an inner peace that nothing else can.  I watch ESPN, Military Channel and the History Channel on a regular basis.  I rarely watch E!, Style or HGTV. 

My favorite color is grey.  The various shades are comforting on different levels.  No matter how much I try and fight it, deep down I believe in fairytales and Happily Ever Afters.  I can buy the same shade of lipstick and nail polish in every brand.  I am petrified of people in costumes.  When I was younger, the only way my parents could get me up in the mornings was to play the sports section from the previous nights news broadcast. 

I am addicted to Shark Week.  And the Berry Bar.  I have two TV's in my room so I can watch two sports at once.  I want to go out and make friends, but I'm somewhat awkward in social situations.  No matter how many times I watch episodes of The Big Bang Theory, I still laugh likes it's the first time. 

I wish I was thinner and didn't have bat wings, a muffin top and jiggly bits, but I do.  As embarrassing as it is, at times I act like a four year old in my relationship with God.  I may have once said that I wasn't going to talk to Him until He gave me what I wanted.  Had to learn the hard way that it doesn't work that way! 

Looking back over the mistakes I've made and the numerous painful lessons that had to be learned the hard way, I wouldn't change one minute of my journey or who I am.


Until Next Time,

Dear Authentic Girl

There are two emails that I look forward to getting every morning.  The first is from The Daily Love.  I highly recommend you sign up for the daily emails.  Imagine getting inspiration, motivation, love, support, community and mindfulness all wrapped up in one amazing email.  The second email that I just love getting is from The Brave Girls Club.  Their emails are little gems of wisdom that always seem to speak to me and exactly what I am going through.  Below is hands down my most favorite email to date.  I hope it inspires you as much as it has continued to inspire me.

Direct Link


Until Next Time,

Breakthrough Part 2

Y'all know I love a good breakthrough.  Breakthroughs show me that I am living my life, while growing and progressing along the way.  While I sat trying to figure out when I should start cooking dinner the other night, I was suddenly hit by a mack truck of a breakthrough.  I finally realized why I have strived so hard to be perfect both internally and externally.

Growing up I did not have a great relationship with my mother.  The love and affection and attention that I received from her was not consistent.  When I did receive it there was an uneasiness that came with it.  Almost like she was trying really hard to do the right thing, but she just wasn't feeling it.  Because of this, I spent the majority of my life constantly changing who I was to try and win her over completely.  I would tell myself that if I was smarter, prettier, skinner, funnier she would finally accept and love me for exactly who I was.  Well, the more perfect version of myself.  I was ashamed of who I was because, for whatever reason, I was not good enough for her.

As I sat preparing dinner I realized that this is why I have put so many "perfection" stipulations on myself.  Shame.  If I was not good enough for my own mother, then how can I be good enough for anyone else.  After a lot of hard work over the past two years I was able to learn to love and be confident in almost all of me, internally and externally.  Except for one area.  My stomach.  It was the one piece of evidence that I had failed at one point in my life and completely let myself go.  Everyone can see it.  I cannot hide it no matter how many pair of Spanx I wear. 

I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I have focused on my stomach so much lately.  Why have I suddenly placed a spotlight on it?  Enter the mack truck.  Shame.  There is no way to justify my stomach looking the way it does other than to admit that I had let myself go.  And in order to admit that I failed and I lost control, I have to be vulnerable.  The more I learn and deal with vulnerability, the more I love it.  It's what makes us all human and connects us. 

In life you have to be vulnerable.  You have to stand proud, hold your head high and say, "This is who I am, flaws and all.  Take me as I am or watch me as I leave.  I'll be fine either way."  And so I have decided to be vulnerable and from now on to always be the authentic Sarah.  Every day growing and progressing.  A little wiser.  A little stronger.  A little more me.


Until Next Time,

Once/Then

Do you ever tell yourself, "Once I do something, then I will finally be happy."  How about once I get a job making a certain amount of money, then I will finally be an independent adult.  Or my personal favorite, once I get to a certain size, then I will find the man of my dreams.  The truth is our love affair with once/then's plays into our desire for perfection in all aspects of life.

The thing about perfection is once you achieve it, then you have to spend all of your time and energy trying to maintain it.  And you end up missing out on the really great parts of life.  For girls, once/then's start when we are little.  Every fairytale starts with once upon a time.  The male character comes in and rescues the damsel in distress.  Then they live happily ever after.  If we were to believe these stories, then women would not be happy until they were rescued by a man.  In reality, I believe women need to stop waiting to be rescued and learn to rescue themselves. 

As a society we need to step away from once/then's and learn to live in the moment.  In past months I had seriously considered having a tummy tuck because I couldn't fathom ever being able to love the stomach that I currently have.  Once I have a flatter and better looking stomach, then I will be confident enough to find the man of my dreams.  He will just come waltzing into my life once I get my stomach to look better. 

The pressure that I put on myself in regards to my size and weight was immense.  Once I could get to a certain weight and pant size, then every other aspect of my life would magically fall into place.  I would be crazy happy, I would have the perfect relationship, the perfect career, the perfect life.  One non-healthy meal and I would beat myself up because I felt that I was holding myself back from every obtaining my perfect life. 

I finally sat down and had a conversation with myself that I have given to so many other, but never to myself.  I told myself that who I am as a person is not based of the number on the scale or my pant size.  There were many uncomfortable moments of vulnerability in this talk.  I also informed myself that I need to stop comparing myself to other women and to stop thinking that, just because a woman is a certain size, she deserves all the happiness in the world. 

If we spend too much time focusing on how to make ourselves and our lives more perfect, we miss all of the great things life has to offer.  Life is so much more than once/then's and perfection.  It's dancing in the rain, impromptu road trips, watching flowers bloom, holding hands and marathon Monopoly games.  Sometimes the most perfect moments in life are the ones that are completely unplanned and imperfect.


Until Next Time,

Wordless Wednesday

Found here

Spring Cleaning

I love spring!  I love spring more than I love New Years.  There's just something about everything finally starting to bloom after a long winter.  To me spring is the light at the end of the long tunnel called winter.  One of my favorite spring time activities is spring cleaning.  Boxing up all of your winter clothes and breaking out your summer clothes.  I spent part of the weekend shopping for new clothes since it's basically summer in Houston. 

This year I decided to add on to my spring cleaning list.  I made the decision to do some internal spring cleaning.  I sat down and thought about all of the fears and stresses that I had been holding on to for far too long.  And I decided to let them go. 

My family has been telling me for a while that my fears and worries are not necessary.  I am a big worrier.  I worry about how I will learn to cook a different dinner every night once I'm married.  I just eat the same thing every night for a week since it's easier because it's just me.  When I meet guys I worry about whether they have actually seen that I am plus size.  I don't want anyone to feel tricked or fooled into dating me.  I worry a lot about the future and things that are out of my control.  There are so many nights when I wish my mind would just stop thinking and worrying and over analyzing so I could get a good nights sleep.

Letting go of the fears and worries and over thinking is not going to happen overnight.  And it's not going to be easy.  But when I think about all of the time that I spend on a daily basis worrying and over thinking, I wonder about all of the great things I could be doing with that time and energy instead.  So all of my fears about my size and possible future relationships and everything else that I stress about, I'm releasing them.  Letting them go.  Because I deserve better than the way I've been treating myself.  And because even your soul deserves a good cleaning every now and then.

Until Next Time,

Breakthrough

"Every time you judge yourself, you break your own heart." - Swami Kripalvanada

This quote has rocked my world.  One of the great wonders of life for me is how we can be kind, compassionate and loving to everyone else in the world, yet we cannot show ourselves an ounce of compassion or love ourselves when we need it the most.  Maybe it's because we have higher expectations for ourselves.  Perhaps it's because in order for us to show ourselves love and compassion, we have to be vulnerable.  And being vulnerable can be very scary.

I love nothing more in life than a breakthrough.  That moment when it all clicks inside and you feel the weight of the world lifted off of your shoulders.  Where it all starts to make sense.  Recently I had a pretty big breakthrough.  All of my life I have been the chunky unpopular nerd.  I've never really had guys interested in me.  I've never had a boyfriend, etc.  And being the chunky unpopular nerd, whenever I would hang out with my friends, guys would be nice to me because I was the fat friend that they needed to win over so my friends would be interested in them. 

Recently though guys have been flirting with me because apparently they are interested in me!  It's a whole new world and completely uncharted territory for me.  So uncharted that a guy was flirting with me last month and I had no clue (I thought he was doing to win over the group of girls I was with).  Guys will smile and wink at me and I automatically turn around to see the girl it was directed to, only to realize it was directed at me.  I also started struggling with my body image.  After losing all of the weight, my body adjusted, but suddenly I felt that I was still as big as I was nearly 100 pounds ago. 

Every time a guy would look my way, I would have an anxiety attack.  Why are they looking at me when I'm still so big would screaming through my head.  Surely they cannot actually be interested in someone my size.  I'm big as a house and he's fit and gorgeous.  We'd make the most unlikely couple (you thought I was kidding when I said I was an over thinker!).  I new I had to face these fears so I decided to start writing and meditating and praying my way through this emotional road block. 

Finally it dawned on me.  Because guys and dating and relationships are such unfamiliar territory, I have anxiety that I'm going to do something wrong and screw up a perfectly good relationship because of my lack of dating experience.  Like at what point do you start holding hands or do you really have to celebrate each monthly anniversary?  Or what if I hurt the poor fellas feelings?  And the more I over think the many ways that I can screw up a relationship, the more the anxiety grows every time a guy looks my way.

And then I read this quote.  Every time you judge yourself, you break your own heart.  Every time I stop believing that God will give me the right man when the time is right, I break my own heart.  Every time I tell myself that the number on the scale is more important than all of the really great qualities that I have, I break my own heart.  Every time I tell myself I don't deserve a man simply because of the size of pants I wear, I break my own heart.  And when I also realized that I would tell any woman in the world that she was so much more than the number on the scale or the size of pants she wears, I had to stop and asked why I had never told myself that. 

So I did.  I didn't believe myself the first few times I said it, but after enough time, I started to believe it.  And that is why I love a good breakthrough!

Until Next Time,

Yoga

For many years I wanted to try yoga but was scared. Yes, I know I have some odd fears.  The only people who I ever saw doing yoga were thin. So I stayed away because clearly this was something that I was not supposed to be doing.

When I first started walking a few years ago I could only walk maybe 10 minutes before I was out of breath and cramping up. Eventually I was walking 2 miles a night with no problems. When I switched to workout tapes, I could only do a few seconds (if any) of each move before I was collapsing. Eventually I was able to do almost all of the exercises on each tape. But still I stayed away from yoga.  It intimidated me in a big way.

Plus size women walked and did workout tapes, but they didn't do yoga (or so I thought). I want to challenge myself, not embarrass myself I would tell myself. Then I kept telling myself I would try yoga once I hit a mysterious goal weight.  No matter what amount of weight I lost, I still couldn't start practicing yoga.  Finally I decided to try Yoga Booty Ballet. You know, to ease myself into yoga.  It's a mixture of yoga, dancing, Pilate's and ballet all in one workout. It kicked my butt, but in a good way. It also slowly put me in touch with my inner yogi.  And it gave me some of the necessary confidence that I needed to attempt yoga.

I finally decided to face my fear and get a yoga tape. I bought Ashley Turner's Stress Relief and Flexibility DVD.  I remember the first time I did the workout. I sat and stared at the case for a long time. I was petrified of failing. Sure no one else would know if I succeeded or not, but I would know.  That's all that mattered.  And after losing who I was and feeling like a "failure to launch", I needed this attempt to be a successful one.

The DVD started with deep calming breathing, which is right up my workout alley!  But as the DVD transitioned into actual yoga positions, there was a calm that came over me.  The realization that I could do this no matter my size or athletic ability.

Over time, yoga has taught me to be kind to myself.  When I tell myself that I cannot do something, yoga proves to me that I can do something I never thought I would be able to do.  And for that I am eternally grateful.

Namaste!


Until Next Time,