Battle

For a large portion of my life, I completely ignored my feelings.  Pretended I was a robot and didn’t have any.  Hated the thought of acknowledging them because it made me vulnerable.  Vulnerability was weakness I would think.  Eventually I learned that it is courageous to admit and acknowledge your feelings and emotions.  You are actually being brave in those alleged moments of weakness.

One thing I have struggled with recently is how one day I can be completely fine with a particular issue (being single, my weight, etc) and the very next day I’m struggling with it.  How did this happen?  Just yesterday I was fine.  Can I hurry up and get it together?  When I talk to myself (in the not crazy kind of way!) I can be brutal and mean.  I’m stupid and weak because I can’t keep my emotions and feelings in line and together forever.  But for anyone else in the world who is going through the exact same thing that I am, I can be empathetic and compassionate.  "Of course your feelings and emotions will change."  "You’re only human."  "Any man would be incredibly lucky to have you. " "Just you wait – God will give you the right man at the right time and it will all make sense."  "You’re gorgeous just the way you are."  When I’m speaking to myself, terms like fatty and tubby and lazy are used.

A few months ago my therapist asked me (when I announced that I hated who I was as a child since I didn’t stand up for myself) what I would tell someone who was going through the issues I was.  If the other person said they hated who they were as a child, how would I respond to them?  Without hesitation I offered them advice full of love and support.  It was honest and compassionate.  She stopped me and asked why I couldn’t do the same thing for myself.  Wow!  I had never thought of it that way.  It was at that moment that I learned that when I can’t show myself support and love and compassion, I need to take a step back and think about what I would tell someone else who was in the same predicament.  Then I tell myself that advice. 

As I mentioned earlier, the two things I have been struggling with recently are my weight and being single.  Here is how I have handled both issues: being single can be both painful and liberating at the same time.  There is such a freedom in only having to worry about you.  You don’t have to cook anyone else dinner or do their laundry or talk to them first before making a decision.  It can also be lonely.  But I am very resolute in the fact that I would rather being single and alone than in a crappy relationship.  I am also surrounded by people who are in relationships.  It’s not always easy to watch everyone else be taken on dates to fancy restaurants or have gifts showered on them or have someone that supports them all the time.  But I am faithful in the fact that God WILL put the right man in my life at the right moment.  I just have to stand back and be patient (which I am not!).  My weight is more of a struggle.  Even though I’ve lost 92 pounds, I feel like I’m the same size I was before I lost any weight.  I see my body as it was 92 pounds ago, not what it is today.  I wonder if any man will ever fully love me at my size.  I wonder if I will ever fully love me at any size.  When these feelings come up, I do the one thing I NEVER thought I would be able to do: yoga.  And I prove to myself that just because I’m plus size doesn’t mean I’m not healthy and fit.

When you have moments of inner turmoil, how do you handle them?

Until Next Time,