Y'all know I love a good breakthrough. Breakthroughs show me that I am living my life, while growing and progressing along the way. While I sat trying to figure out when I should start cooking dinner the other night, I was suddenly hit by a mack truck of a breakthrough. I finally realized why I have strived so hard to be perfect both internally and externally.
Growing up I did not have a great relationship with my mother. The love and affection and attention that I received from her was not consistent. When I did receive it there was an uneasiness that came with it. Almost like she was trying really hard to do the right thing, but she just wasn't feeling it. Because of this, I spent the majority of my life constantly changing who I was to try and win her over completely. I would tell myself that if I was smarter, prettier, skinner, funnier she would finally accept and love me for exactly who I was. Well, the more perfect version of myself. I was ashamed of who I was because, for whatever reason, I was not good enough for her.
As I sat preparing dinner I realized that this is why I have put so many "perfection" stipulations on myself. Shame. If I was not good enough for my own mother, then how can I be good enough for anyone else. After a lot of hard work over the past two years I was able to learn to love and be confident in almost all of me, internally and externally. Except for one area. My stomach. It was the one piece of evidence that I had failed at one point in my life and completely let myself go. Everyone can see it. I cannot hide it no matter how many pair of Spanx I wear.
I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I have focused on my stomach so much lately. Why have I suddenly placed a spotlight on it? Enter the mack truck. Shame. There is no way to justify my stomach looking the way it does other than to admit that I had let myself go. And in order to admit that I failed and I lost control, I have to be vulnerable. The more I learn and deal with vulnerability, the more I love it. It's what makes us all human and connects us.
In life you have to be vulnerable. You have to stand proud, hold your head high and say, "This is who I am, flaws and all. Take me as I am or watch me as I leave. I'll be fine either way." And so I have decided to be vulnerable and from now on to always be the authentic Sarah. Every day growing and progressing. A little wiser. A little stronger. A little more me.
Until Next Time,
Growing up I did not have a great relationship with my mother. The love and affection and attention that I received from her was not consistent. When I did receive it there was an uneasiness that came with it. Almost like she was trying really hard to do the right thing, but she just wasn't feeling it. Because of this, I spent the majority of my life constantly changing who I was to try and win her over completely. I would tell myself that if I was smarter, prettier, skinner, funnier she would finally accept and love me for exactly who I was. Well, the more perfect version of myself. I was ashamed of who I was because, for whatever reason, I was not good enough for her.
As I sat preparing dinner I realized that this is why I have put so many "perfection" stipulations on myself. Shame. If I was not good enough for my own mother, then how can I be good enough for anyone else. After a lot of hard work over the past two years I was able to learn to love and be confident in almost all of me, internally and externally. Except for one area. My stomach. It was the one piece of evidence that I had failed at one point in my life and completely let myself go. Everyone can see it. I cannot hide it no matter how many pair of Spanx I wear.
I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about why I have focused on my stomach so much lately. Why have I suddenly placed a spotlight on it? Enter the mack truck. Shame. There is no way to justify my stomach looking the way it does other than to admit that I had let myself go. And in order to admit that I failed and I lost control, I have to be vulnerable. The more I learn and deal with vulnerability, the more I love it. It's what makes us all human and connects us.
In life you have to be vulnerable. You have to stand proud, hold your head high and say, "This is who I am, flaws and all. Take me as I am or watch me as I leave. I'll be fine either way." And so I have decided to be vulnerable and from now on to always be the authentic Sarah. Every day growing and progressing. A little wiser. A little stronger. A little more me.
Until Next Time,
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