I Hate Valentine's Day...

...and here's why.  Because Valentine's Day is not really a holiday.  And yes, I would still feel this way even if I was in a relationship.  It's a "holiday" for florists, card companies, jewelers and chocolatiers.  From December 26th until February 14th the aisles of every store are coated in pink and red hearts and flowers.  Nearly every TV commercial is aimed at letting guys know what girls want for this one particular day.  Where are the commercials letting women know what men want?

It's a day aimed at making single people feel horrible about themselves because of their relationship status.  Like we don't deal with this enough the other 364 days of the year.  It forces couples to buy each other red and pink crap to proclaim their love for their significant other.  And the entire world does this on the same day.  How unimaginative and uncreative.  It's also a day where we are forced to see way too much over the top PDA from couples that we should never be subjected to. 

Relationships don't just happen one day a year.  It's all day every day.  They take work and commitment.  I would much rather have little romantic and thoughtful random gifts throughout the year that are personal to me and the person I'm with than a big stuffed animal on February 14th.  (Side note: what do grown people do with these stuffed animals anyways?  Seriously - please let me know)  Send me flowers at work one random day just because you were thinking about me.  Let me (the girl) take you (the guy) on an unexpected date one night.  A text that says "good morning beautiful" would completely make my day.

Why not do things throughout the year to show yourself and others you love them.  And I don't mean buying them overpriced chocolate.   The girl that gives you butterflies and makes your heart beat fast - tell her how she makes you feel.  The guy who always holds the door open for you and gives you a smile that makes your knees shake - say hi and give him a great smile back.  The sweet dog who is always excited to see you whether you were gone 10 minutes or 10 hours - give them an extra long belly rub and head scratch.  Wear something that you know makes you look amazing!  Strut your stuff for the world to see.  There are so many more important things to life than one over-commercialized day.

Sending you lots of love.

Until Next Time,

Vessel

"You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but the volume of the soul that is carries." ~ Michael Wriston

I saw this quote a few weeks ago and it struck a chord with me.  I will turn 28 this year and I don't remember a single moment in my life where I have loved my body.  I thought once I started losing weight it would happen.  How wrong I was.  Without getting too graphic losing 92 pounds does certain things to a body.  While the body does shrink, there can also be extra skin that you have to deal with.  And while I do have more weight to lose, the added weight loss will only add to the excess skin that I cannot stand.

I am a big believer that you have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to love you.  For the first time in many years I do love most of my body.  Internally I know I'm a good person.  Smart, funny, caring, attractive.  Any guy would be lucky to have me.  And compared to what my body was before I started losing weight, I am proud of it.  I am proud of my accomplishment.  Well, most of it.  If only I could learn to be more accepting of my mid-section I would be set. 

The thing I hate more than my mid-section is the fact that I tie a large part of my self worth into it.  When I make pro/con list about myself the biggest con that I can list is my stomach.  And for some reason that one con (there are more entries when I create my list) wipes out all of the amazing pro's.  And I'm kind of an all or nothing girl so I never tell myself that I'm going to have to settle for just some guy.  No I tell myself that I will never have any guy because of that one single con.  Is it fair?  No, but at this moment in my life I don't know how to change my thinking and somehow turn it into a pro. 

I don't expect perfection from myself.  In fact I want to be curvy and womanly.  I would be completely happy with my entire self top to bottom if only I could learn to love and accept my stomach area.

My biggest goal for 2012 is to find a way, any way, to completely love every inch of my body.  I have absolutely no clue how to make that happen, but I feel that learning this may be the most profound moment that will happen on my journey.

Do you love every inch of your body?  If so, how did you get there?  If not, how can we get there?





This picture and many more can be found at the Now Foundation.

Until Next Time,

Unmotivated and In A Funk

It usually happens once or twice a year.  For a week or so I am in a rut/funk.  I feel blah.  Nothing makes me happy.  I'm emotional for no reason.  Too much over thinking goes on.  This past week has been rut/funk week #1 of 2012.  It was a doozy!  I go to bed one night willing and able to be loving and compassionate to myself and wake up completely unable to do this. 

The last rut/funk week I had I was actually able to learn a lot.  I sat with my feelings and emotions.  I actually let myself feel them and I acknowledged them.  I learned not to take my happiness and happy days for granted.  This time I was beyond frustrated with God and with myself.  To the bottom of my heart I truly believe that God will give everything I need when the time is right.  I just wish he would speed up the process a little bit, that's all! 

But what was worse than being slightly frustrated with God's timing?  Being disappointed in myself.  I let myself down.  I wasn't kind or compassionate or loving or accepting to myself when I needed it the most.  Instead I hated (yes hated) parts of my body, told myself I would never be loved by a man because of certain parts of my body, beat myself up for not being extremely strict on my diet and exercise routine and made myself feel worse than I already did.  It was a vicious cycle that made me feel like I was drowning at my own hands. 

Every rut/funk week is slightly different.  It takes different things to get out of it.  The last one I knew it was just a bad moment and I would get better and be happy again.  This week I wasn't so sure.  I went to Target one day and walked around the store just staring at various items.  Things that I usually drool over did absolutely nothing for me.  I bought lip gloss that is supposed to make your lips enlarge.  So I smeared it on and stared at myself waiting for the first sign of puffiness because what girl doesn't want Angelina Jolie lips?  Instead I got my lips just extra shiny.  I drank a margarita the size of my head, but nothing.  One night I was supposed to go by Best Buy and pick something up.  I pulled into the parking lot with tears streaming down my face.  I'm pretty sure the staff there was thrilled I didn't go ahead and make my purchase in that state.  But finally the overwhelming pain and sadness slowly started to ease.  The pain, the blues - they every so slowly were beginning to creep away.  My dad made my laugh hysterically about how men love their bodies and how he doesn't understand how women hate theirs ("Hate is such a strong word Sarahchelle.").  I got 13 hours of good deep sleep.  I went shopping and finally found the new comforter I had been looking for.  I started meditating to the new Gabrielle Bernstein Medi-Dating album.  It was during this meditation session that I finally realized that I was going to be OK.  Still not 100%, but getting better every day.

I was horribly mean and cruel to myself, I hurt my own feelings and I disappointed myself.  I will spend the next few days being a little more loving and compassionate to myself until I am 100% back.  And then I'm going to do everything I can to prepare myself to be more accepting to myself the next time the rut/funk week hits.

If you experience these type of moments, how do you get through them?  How do you remind yourself to be loving, accepting, kind and compassionate?

Until Next Time,

Profoundly Wrong

Every Sunday I read Post Secret.  This is my all-time favorite secret:

In your early to mid twenties, your singleness is fun.  You flirt with all kinds of boys.  At this point being single is no big deal.  But at some point in your late twenties you start wondering if there is something wrong with you.  And after being on various dating websites and not getting hits from any decent guys (you'll get plenty of winks and ice breakers from the creepy stalker guys) you start wondering if there is something profoundly wrong with you.

I remember the day I asked my therapist if she thought there was something profoundly wrong with me that no one wanted to tell me.  She smiled and told me she remembered being in her twenties and feeling/thinking the exact same thing.  Maybe God forgot me or doesn't think I deserve a husband.  Maybe a husband is not supposed to be a part of my journey and I'm the last to know.

For a while these thoughts were a daily battle for me.  I remember at one point telling God "just give me a sign one way or another.  I'll be fine either way."  It took me a lot of time and prayer but I finally realized that at these moments god wants you to dig deep and realize your true worth and value.  And not just in a relationship, but in life.  He wants you to realize you deserve so much more than what you were willing to settle for.  So don't settle.  For anything.  Ever.  As Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh) said, "Promise me you'll always remember you're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think."

There are still days when I struggle with being single.  Days I wonder if I will be single forever.  And when it seems that everyone you know is coupled up and you are the last single person on the planet, know that your single life journey is a necessary part of your life journey.  And that there is nothing profoundly wrong with you at all.  God's just saving you for someone extra special!

Until Next Time,

Single Alpha Female Desperately Seeking Single Alpha Male

If I were to ever place a personal ad, I'm pretty sure this would be my headline.  Back when I was subscribed to an online dating website I received an email from them stating that Tankoflove123 could be the one for me. Seriously? When I was a little girl doodling the numerous variations of what my married name could be (Mrs. Sarah Aikman and Mrs. Sarah Bagwell were at the top of the list when I was younger!), I never imagined numbers in my future last name. Call me crazy, but it just doesn’t have the kind of ring to it that I am looking for.

Which brings me to my question - where are all of the great guys of substance? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve embraced this phase called “Singlehood” and am fully prepared to conquer the world as a singular sensation, but where would one go should they want to meet a great normal guy?

I’ve done online dating and was traumatized by the results. As soon as I registered with one site, a guy with a fu-man chu immediately sent me an email stating that I was “purty” and informing me that he had 5 kids. And he lived in the middle of deliverance-town, population: him. I think he really wanted to skin me and wear me as a cape. Then there was the guy who emailed me and asked how often I liked to fight (I’ll make you disappear buddy), the guy who was currently unemployed because he wanted to be a mime (way to dream) and the man who easily weighed 700 pounds and informed me that he hadn’t left his house in a while, but would try for me (gee thanks, I think).

I had a friend of a friend set me up with someone. His favorite movie was Beerfest and his favorite hobby was drinking beer (wonder where he got that idea) while driving his motorcycle to see how fast he could go before he crashed. Breaking news: He crash A LOT!

I’ve gone to the grocery store during peak hours, gone to sporting events, pumped my gas at different stations, hell I even went to Bridal Extravaganza hoping to connect with a groomsman (all while secretly planning my own wedding).

So tell me world - where are all of the great normal guys hiding?

Until Next Time,

Making Peace With Your Past

Growing up, I didn't have always the greatest childhood, but I also know it could have been a lot worse.  For various reasons I mentally blocked out a lot of my childhood, both good and bad, years ago.  And then at some point in the past year I started having flashbacks to memories from my childhood.  Flashbacks from my past.  And they come out of nowhere.  All of a sudden a vivid memory comes to mind.  I go from not remembering a certain moment in my life at all to knowing precisely where I was and what was being said to me.  But it's not just the memory that's difficult to remember.  The emotions are by far the hardest.  Suddenly I'm vulnerable or sad or lost or alone or angry. 

One minute I'm sitting at my desk at work minding my business and then next minute I'm trying to heal my inner child, and my current self, from some really bad memory.  When they first started, I hated the fact that I constantly had to acknowledge bad feelings and emotions, so I ate my way through the memory flashbacks.  And then one day my therapist gave me three pages that listed every emotion possible.  I was to keep them with me at all times and write down my various emotions throughout the day.  What was I feeling?  Why was I feeling it?  Did something cause this emotion?  And after a few weeks this really amazing thing happened.  I stopped eating my way through the memory flashback and instead started acknowledging and accepting them. 

It is not always easy.  Some of the flashbacks bring back anger that I thought I was past or they bring up vulnerability that I never wanted to feel.  There are also times when I have a memory flashback where I'm laughing or smiling or having a really great moment.  I truly cherish those flashbacks.  What I have come to learn from these memory flashbacks is that with each one I have to power to go back to that moment in my life and tell myself what I should have been told.  Sure some emotions and memories are tougher to face than others.  But I have learned that the toughest moments are when we are our bravest.  And because of these memory flashbacks, I have learned that we all have challenging or troubling moments in our life, but we also have the power to make peace with those moments and love ourselves for exactly who we were and who we have become. 

If you ever have or currently experience any time of memory flashback, please know that they do get better and that you are not alone.

Until Next Time,

Wordless Wednesday

Found here



Found here

Until Next Time,