Valuing Your Time

I don't watch a significant amount of television, but one of my guilty pleasures is Shark Tank.  For those of you who don't watch, the show has five successful millionaire/billionaire business men and women who listen to people's business plan.  If the shark loves the idea, then they can invest their own money into the business.  My favorite part is listening to the sharks give advice and think out each business.  The one thing I hear Mark Cuban talk about over and over again is whether a business is worth his time.  He may love the product and really want to invest, but if the company needs a significant amount of his time, then he usually backs out.

After hearing this numerous times, I decided to try and implement this thinking into my life.  I looked at everything I do and tried to decide does it bring me value and happiness as a person.  Some things I eliminated completely.  Others I adjusted. Of course, reading and baseball will never go away.   I also learned that I don't know how people who are married and/or have kids do it.  Seriously.  I just have me to take care of and I feel like I'm barely capable of that.  Here's a little snapshot of what I have to juggle (be prepared to laugh): work, working out, reading, writing, job searching and family time.  I wasn't kidding when I said I don't know how others do everything in their lives.   

One of the first things I worked on was TV time.  Normally I would come home from work, turn on the TV and just watch whatever until it was time to start getting ready for bed.  I was wasting those precious few hours at night doing nothing and I wasn't gaining anything from the TV I was watching.  I went through and decided which TV shows I really enjoyed and which ones I was just killing time with.  Now there are days when I don't even turn the TV on. 

Another area I evaluated was my job.  I love my co-workers, but I'm bored and I'm not making enough money.  Therefore a change needs to be made.  As I apply for jobs and go on interviews, the main thing I consider is - is this job worth my time?  Will I be making enough money to support myself, will I be challenged mentally, will I have opportunities to grow? 

Learn to tell other people no and tell yourself yes.  I love and adore my family, but I don't need to go to every single family dinner or outing.  Some days I tell them I don't want to go and instead stay home, enjoy the peace of an empty house and regroup.  The quite time I spend alone will make me a better daughter and sister.  I promise you, true friendships/relationships won't end because you occasionally tell someone you don't want to spend time with them. 

When it comes to dating, yes I would like to be in a relationship, but I'm not rushing it.  I know it will happen when the time is right, so for now I am soaking up this extra time I have being single.  I also don't go on dates just to say I went on a date.  I am big about not wasting my time or theirs when I know there is no chemistry or future.

Evaluate your life.  Are you valuing your time the way you want or are there changes that need to be made?

Until Next Time,

Book Details

So last year I decided to write a book.  It's a romance novel where the main character not only gets the guy, but she'll fall in love with herself as well.  I was raring to go and wrote roughly 11 pages.  And then nothing.  I couldn't decide where I wanted the story to go.  I literally could not make a single decision on the book.  I shelved it and knew that when the time was right I would come back to it.  Well, the time is right.

A little over a week ago I was in the shower and all of a sudden the story came to me.  I jumped out of the shower and wrote nearly 5 pages of notes and ideas.  Since then I have spent a ridiculous amount of hours researching the storyline.  I never would have imagined this much research would go into a book.  Even though this is a fictional romance novel, I want the "real" parts of the story to be as accurate as possible. 

Names have been picked, pictures of characters have been chosen and a rough storyline has been drafted.  As I make progress on the book, I will post sneak peeks here. 

I am very excited for this next chapter in my life, though I'm not sure I will have much of a personal life for the next while.

Until Next Time,

Weeds

"Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers" Kelly Clarkson, Sober

 

 

One of my all time favorite songs is Sober by Kelly Clarkson.  I love this song because it can be interpreted many different ways.  Any which way you look at it, it's a powerful song.  Today when I was listening to it, the line picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers stuck with me.  How powerful would it be to change all of the bad parts of us and keep the good ones simply by deciding to make the necessary changes?

 

Throughout our lives we all have various spring cleanings that are for our soul.  Sometimes we remove certain people from our lives, whether by ending a relationship or friendship.  Sometimes we remove bad habits and introduce healthy ones to our lives.  Sometimes we stop wearing clothes that don't flatter us and start wearing clothes that do.  And occasionally, we examine our lives and realize that changes need to be made.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. 

I've been examining all aspects of my life recently and I've realized that changes need to be made in nearly every area.  While I am a big advocate of change, actually making the necessary changes is not always easy.  I especially love when my life has a routine.  It's peaceful and comforting.  The area where I currently need the most change - my job.  I love most aspects of my job - a ten minute commute, most days are fairly routine, having the greatest co-workers ever, knowing what is expected out of me.  What's not to love?  Now my biggest goal for myself in 2013 is to be financially able to live on my own again.  I am desperate for that freedom.  The one thing that is currently holding me back from living on my own - not making enough money at my job.  Which can only mean one thing - change.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

I would rather go on one hundred blind dates than search for a new job.  I hate every part of it.  I've been at my current company for six and a half years.  I had to search to find out where to look for jobs.  Every job I look at, I doubt myself.  I'm very confident at my current job, but what if I can't do something basic at a new company?  Fear and doubt has crept in and taken up residence in my confidence.  I've been incredibly lucky to have a short commute and amazing co-workers.  I've already started preparing to drive much further every day.  What if I can't stand my future co-workers?  This change, my friends, will not be an easy one.  But I need this change more than any other.

My life is very simple.  I work.  I have a even simpler and quieter personal life.  It's non-existent.  I rarely go out.  I'm usually at home reading.  That's it.  I soon will be twenty-nine and I'm finally coming to the realization that Mr. Right will not coming knocking on my door. (Very lazy on his part if I do say so myself!)  Honestly, I think the poor fella is lost and I have to help him find his way to me, but that's another story.  The only way I can do that is by getting out of my comfort zone.  Shake up all aspects of my life.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

Changing my career is not the only change I need to make.  I need to start working out more frequently.  I really need to start practicing yoga and Pilate's again.  And let's not get started on my writing.  I need to bring back the parts of me that I have loved and missed and maybe even find new pieces that I never knew about.  I need to pick all of my weeds and keep the flowers.

What weeds to you need to pick and what flowers do you want to keep?



Until Next Time,

Fear

If I'm completely honest, I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid.  Part of me believes I was born fearful.  When I was probably 5-6 years old, at night I would roll over in bed and swear I could see people.  I would wake up scared out of my mind.  Once I could gain the courage, I would sprint across the house to my parents bedroom.  Many of those nights my dad would walk me around the house (and sometimes even the outside of the house) to show me that there was no one else there.  Thankfully it was discovered that the "people" I saw were actually created from a nightlight and some poorly placed stuffed animals.

My middle school years were spent in the Virgin Islands.  Life is completely different there.  It's not the safe hot tourist spot that everyone thinks that it is.  At least it wasn't when we lived there.  Though I dealt with fear when I was younger, I started dealing with fear (and anxiety) on a nearly daily basis at this point in my life.  For all of the beauty that the island holds, there is also a ton of ugly. 

High school was a beast.  While I was elated to finally be back stateside, I was not at all prepared for how high school would be.  In my mind, high school would be a lot like Saved by the Bell.  I was some kind of pissed when I discovered that it wasn't!  All kidding aside, the best way I can describe those four years is by saying it that nearly every minute of every day was a huge struggle.  Everything hit rock bottom at once for me during these years - anxiety/panic attacks, eating disorder, depression and especially fear.  I went to a high school that was incredibly large and I do not like crowds.  Freshman year we were off site and at first it wasn't so bad.  Then the tragedy at Columbine occurred.  I just never imagined that something so horrible could happen at a high school.  From that day until the end of our school year, we had constant (and incredibly frustrating) bomb threats.  My fear and anxiety skyrocketed.

The main high school campus was a whole different nightmare.   There was incredible overcrowding, constant fights, arrests, threats, etc.  As soon as I woke up each morning, I immediately started panicking that I would be late to school or that they would decide to ring the bell early and I would be late.  Once I would get to school (and I was usually there very early each morning) the panic and anxiety would switch to worrying about my upcoming classes.  Also, at this point in my life, every second of every day was filled with some kind of worry.  What if this happened and what if that occurred.  Rarely, if ever, did the "what if's" actually happen.  I don't know if I can put into words how real those numerous fears felt at those very moments.  Logically I can look back and completely see how extreme the worrying and fear was, but there is also a part of me that can completely understand it.

Since high school I have dealt with fear on and off.  There were times when it overwhelmed me so much that I could barely get out of bed or leave my house.  It was absolutely crippling.  There were also times when I was almost completely fear free.  Recently the fear has come back.  A few months ago one of my younger sisters started driving and turned 18.  My youngest sister is nearly a teen and growing up more and more everyday.  When I realized that I could no longer protect them, fear set in.  I started preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, in case something horrible happened to them.  Or anyone in my family for that matter.  I finally decided that I'm completely over living my life this way and knew that I needed to take steps to face my fears head on, once and for all.

Starting January 14th I will be taking an e-course called 30 Days of Cultivating Courage.  Every day you get an email with lesson or activity in which you will have to be courageous and face a fear.  Once this program is complete, I will start a 40 day fear cleansing e-course.  I know facing these fears is not going to be easy, but it is absolutely necessary.

Do you have to deal with rational or irrational fears?  What steps have you taken to conquer your fears?


Until Next Time,

A Letter to ED

One thing that has brought me a lot of comfort has been to write letters to different people (myself, God, future husband, etc).  They usually aren't very long, just a little note in my journal with whatever is on my heart at that very moment.  Today I decided to write a letter to ED - my eating disorder.

Dear ED,

You've been in my life since I was 11 years old.  You came in to my life when I had no one and you became my best friend.  I no longer had to focus on living in a strange new place, I just shifted my focus to controlling what went in to my body and why.  Screw thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Any time one of those little bastards came up (especially the uncomfortable ones) we would shove it down with food. 

We became quite the team, you and I.  One day, just binging on the food wasn't enough.  You had the bright idea to start purging.  At the time I thought you were a genius.  Seriously - it was us against the world.  We had our binge/purge routine down and everyday it was on instant repeat. 

But as I got older, it became harder and harder to keep you a secret.  Trying to think up different reasons as to why I would randomly throw up, on top of the fact that I was scared someone would figure us out just became too much.  One night I hit my rock bottom and went online to research our relationship.  I learned that our relationship wasn't healthy and that there were places I could go to get help.

When I went to California, I was scared out of my mind.  Not only was this my first trip alone, but I was going to have to learn all of the reasons our relationship was bad.  I was going to have to try and face the world without you.  By the time I left treatment, I thought I knew everything.  I thought we were done and I was moving on with my life.  Boy was I wrong.

That was in 2005 and I was 21.  Here I am at 28 and you're still a part of my life.  I guess on some level you will always be.  I know that I cannot depend on you anymore.  Here are some hard life lessons that I've had to learn:  your life isn't going to turn out how you planned it and that's OK.  No matter how hard it is, just be you.  Even on the days when you feel like the world is against you.  Just. Be. You.  Also, emotions and feelings aren't as bad as I thought they were.  They're actually pretty nice.  Even the not so nice ones.  They help you stay grounded.  And lastly, as scary as it is, it's OK to ask for help.  And for love and affection.  In fact, demand it.  But don't lose your integrity for it.

So ED, the time has come to say goodbye.  I'm OK on my own.  I don't need you anymore.  I know you'll be in the background getting stronger, but don't worry - so will I.

Warmly,

Sarah



Until Next Time,

Goals for 2013

Yes I realize it is only September, but I have already started setting my personal goals for 2013.  I'm not a big New Year's resolution fan.  There's just something about setting a goal at the same time as the rest of the world that doesn't sit well with me.  Instead I like to set personal and professional goals for myself throughout the year. 

The goals I set for myself for 2012 were: to learn to love my outside body as much as I loved who I am inside, to continue to work out and finish losing a certain amount of weight, to be brave and step outside of my comfort zone and to do yoga and Pilate's.  For the most part, I did really good with my goals.  I did learn to love my outside body as much as I love who I am inside.  I started yoga and Pilate's and LOVED it!  I was brave and I did step outside of my comfort zone.  I did not finish losing weight.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I ended up gaining 10 pounds.  All in all, I've had a successful 2012.

I've done a lot of thinking and praying recently and here are some of the goals I've set for myself for 2013 (though I've already started working on them now):

1. To start running.  Yes running.  I've only ever run when fight or flight kicked in.  Running for enjoyment is totally foreign to me.  It looks nice when I see others running, so here's to hoping I don't get chased by random dogs and survive. 
2. To get closer to God.  I feel like all relationships need work to survive and this includes spiritual ones as well.
3. To spend more time on me.  By this I mean listening to my true feelings and emotions and honoring them.  Also working through different courses that help me to learn more and grow.
4. To read more.  There are currently 71 books on my Barnes & Nobles wish list.  I buy one and add three it seems.
5. To be more vulnerable and brave.  No one wants to be vulnerable, but that's when life's greatest moments happen.

What are your goals for 2013?


Until Next Time,

Letter to Myself

The past few weeks have been slightly challenging.  In light of this, I have decided to post the letter I wrote to myself last year again.  There are things in this letter that I need to remind myself of. 


Dear Sarah,

Don't let your fears hold you back from experiencing life. Be brave. Be courageous. Take leaps of faith. Ultimately learn to Be your journey. Learning this is life changing.

Be a kid as long as you can. You'll miss not having a childhood later. And being an adult is not always all it’s cracked up to be.

In those really dark moments where you contemplate ending your life, know that it does get better.

The eating disorder that started when you were twelve and became your best friend for many many years will eventually help lead you to discovering who you are.

Don’t ever forget those moments of aloneness and loneliness. There will come a time when you will wish you could have some alone time. Enjoy all of your single years because you won’t be single forever. You won’t start dating or even marry when you think. Stay strong and keep faith during those days when you wonder if God has forgotten you. He hasn’t. God gives you everything you need when you're ready. Don’t ever stop believing that. He will give you the family you’ve always wanted and needed later on in life.

Learn about your feelings and acknowledge them. Even the hate, anger and sadness. Those feelings make you human. Sit with the pain. Even take it with you on your journey. Pain can be a beautiful thing so learn as much as you can from it. And as much as you try to deny it, you are human and you love and feel and just want to be accepted as is.

Have more fun. Don’t be so serious. Let loose. Life is too short to be so serious and stressed.

Let people in. It can be incredibly scary, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

Your mom – the day will come when you realize you're better off without her. Don’t spend another second trying to win her love, affection or attention. You will never get it. She will cause the first, and most painful, broken heart of your life. Realize that it’s not you that caused her to be the way she is. The sooner you realize it the better off you’ll be. And it’s OK to feel sad and grieve those moments in your life when you want or need a mother and don’t have one. In the end, not having this significant relationship will cause you to trust yourself more and to fill your own toolbox with life experiences.

Stop trying to be invisible because of your size. The sooner you start loving yourself and your body, the better off you’ll be.

Make sure you love yourself more than anyone else can. It will help raise the standard on how much love you deserve. And you do deserve to be loved.

Not every decision or relationship is black and white. It’s confusing and difficult but try and accept the gray areas.

Believe in yourself. Dream big. Know you are worth it.

Love,

The older, wiser you



If you wrote a letter to your younger self, what would you say?


Until Next Time,