Shine

Recently I read a tweet on Twitter about a 31-day self-acceptance journey called Shine.  I was instantly intrigued.  This could be the perfect opportunity for me to continue my personal journey towards complete self love and acceptance.  I was directed to Rosie Molinary's website.  Here is how Shine was described on her website:

a 31 day guide to embracing your authentic, beautiful self

so you can be lit from within to live your passion and purpose

and give your gifts to the world

I was immediately hooked.  Every day in August there will be a new challenge to help you along your journey.  At the end of the day you go back to her website and leave a comment about your experience with the challenge.  And it gets better.  There are prizes!!  This is one journey that I simply cannot wait to start. 

I'm going to find ways to Shine on my journey to self acceptance.  Will you join me?


Until Next Time,

Answered Prayers

Many days and nights (especially this year) have been spent praying for peace and understanding as to why I was still single and would I ever be able to fully love my body as it was.  Those were my two big issues that I needed answers on.  I either wanted to be in a relationship or I needed some kind of understanding as to why it hasn't happened yet.  And my main goal for 2012 was to be able to fully love my body.

The past two to three weeks have been so amazing because I have finally been able to get the answers that I so desperately wanted and needed.  Something inside of me just flipped and suddenly I am so grateful to be single.  Don't get me wrong, there are many days when I would love nothing more than to go home and cuddle with Mr. Right or just hold his hand, but I'm not wasting another second being single.  I have realized that being single just may be the greatest thing ever!  If I want to come home and nap, I do.  Watch two sporting events at one time?  Done.  Spend the day in my pajamas napping.  Yes please!  I am able to be 100% selfish, and though I know it won't last forever, I am thoroughly enjoying every second of it. 

The learning to fully love my body has been more of a challenge, but it has gotten better over the past few months.  Last night I saw a quote (and sadly I cannot find the picture of it today) on Pinterest that said something like "Being fat doesn't change who I am, it's just something that I have."  Reading this was a huge moment for me.  For so long I had always thought that because I am fat, I have to settle or not get the things in life that I want.  It never dawned on me that the fat is just something I have, but it does not define who I am as a person.  It's the same as me saying I have brown hair, therefore I am less of a person.  If my hair color doesn't change who I am as a person, then why should my pants size? 

Back in 2005 I went to a rehab center for a couple of weeks to get help for my eating disorder.  Throughout my stay there they had us complete a journal about various topics.  While I was cleaning out my room this past weekend, I stumbled across the journal.  As I read through it, I discovered how much I have changed since then.  For instance, in one entry I wrote that I wanted to be as skinny as Paris Hilton.  Now I want to be happy and healthy.  I no longer care what exact weight or pants size I am, I just want to be happy and healthy.  The twenty-one year old me never would have believed that I could not only love who I was as a person, but I could actually love the body that houses that person as well.  It was another sweet moment of seeing how much you can change for the better. 

There is such a personal freedom that comes when you get your questions answered.  A huge weight is suddenly lifted off of your shoulders and you realize that you can live your life, happily and peacefully, how you see fit.  You no longer feel the need to compare yourself to others and the self criticism drops drastically.  It is, hands down, one of the best feelings in the world.


Until Next Time,

Describing You

A few weeks ago my therapist and I were talking about my job.  During the conversation I came to the realization that if you were to ask me who I am, my actual real job of being a financial specialist would never enter the equation.  I would describe myself more as a writer and researcher, but never a financial specialist.  It's my job, but it's not who I am.

Last night while getting ready for bed I had an aha moment.  I suddenly asked myself how many hours I spend every day counting calories, stressing about what I have or have not eaten, what my weight is and how much I hate a certain body part.  After spending a few minutes thinking it through, I realized that I spend a good amount of my day doing one of those things.  And when I say a good amount, I mean many hours.  The realization made me sad.  Because if I were asked to describe who I am as a person, I know for a fact that how many calories I had (or didn't have) that day or what my weight was or if I was fat would never be considered.  These are things that I do or worry about, but it's not who I am.

If I were to describe who I am I would say: writer/research nerd, daughter/sister/mother (to Tessa), lover of life, worshiper of God, yoga fanatic, loving/compassionate/loyal human being, friend, book reading enthusiast, animal lover, music connoisseur, die hard Boston Red Sox fan, Shark Week fan and all around crazy fun girl who loves being from Texas.  This is who I am.  Do you see the difference?  Just because you do something doesn't mean it's who you are or who you have to be. 

After I had my realization last night, I vowed to start focusing more on who I am and doing what makes me happy in life.  I do actually enjoy eating healthy and doing yoga and Pilate's.  I despise living in the vicious cycle of constant calorie(or points) counting and then trying to figure out how many minutes of exercise I need to break even for the day.  Don't even get me started on my dysfunctional relationship with the scale.  When I take the daily thought out of what I eat and how much exercise I do, I actually do better with both.  Make an effort to be happy and genuine happiness will follow.

Take a few minutes and think about how you would describe yourself.  What would you say?  Do any of the items that you deem a flaw enter your self description?

Found here

Until Next Time,

Facing Fears

I am a big believer that you really grow as a person when you face your fears.  And normally when I have faced fears in the past, the reality of the situation was no where near as bad as I had made the fear out to be.  That was until this past week.  I faced two fears head on and the result was my sweet sister Hannah talking me through an epic crying meltdown.  I really don't know how she managed to keep a straight face and not fall over laughing while I was mid-meltdown, but I love her more for it!

The first fear I faced was taking boudoir photos.  This was something I had wanted to do for a while, but it took some time for me to work up the courage to actually do it.  These photos were a part of my adventure towards self love.  Taking them was something I wanted to do for me and only me.  Hannah agreed to be my photographer and was brilliant.  Now I usually just take pictures with my iPhone, while Hannah fully understands the art of photography.  I had to learn how to do multiple poses while being photographed.  I quickly learned that I am far to impatient and was not meant to be a model.  After Hannah edited the pictures and gave me the final cuts, I sat  down to look at them.  My first instinct was to find every flaw on my body and point it out and I did this a lot.  Finally I took the final pictures and looked at them alone in private.  I said a quick prayer and then forced myself to find the good in me in each of the pictures.  Finally I was able to see the beauty in the pictures. 

I then decided to look at the rest of the unedited photos.  Biggest. Mistake. Ever.  My inner critic had a field day.  I couldn't decided if I wanted to eat everything in sight because of the bad emotions coming up or if I wanted to stop eating all together because of my size.  As hard as I try, sometime (well most of the time) I still see myself as I was before I lost weight.  And the unedited photos did nothing to help that.  When I decided to take the pictures, I thought that they would make me automatically fall in love with my body.  While I am proud of myself for facing my fear, learning to love my body as is is still a work in progress.

The second fear that I faced sprung up out of nowhere and smacked me in the face.  For the first time since high school (10 years ago) I have an actual crush on a guy.  Normally when I see a good looking guy, that's as far as it goes.  I acknowledge to myself that he's easy on the eyes and I enjoy the view.  End of story.  I haven't allowed myself to have crushes because it means I have to be open and vulnerable and take a leap of faith.  And I have to do all of these scary things with a guy who is a stranger.  It's just easier to enjoy the eye candy.  While I admit that being open and vulnerable and taking leaps of faith are incredibly important, there are moments when they suck.  The suckiness is usually right before the goodness hits, but that's beside the point.  You still have to go through the sucky parts. 

I sat crying to Hannah, "I'm now 28 years old.  What the hell am I doing crushing on some guy.  I think I've officially lost my mind." (Repeat this doing the ugly cry and you'll understand how dramatic I was) She quickly informed me that this is a normal part of life and that it's a good thing that I'm letting myself experience this.  If I had it my way, Mr. Right would walk up to me, tell me he's right for me, I would feel some spark which would lead me to believe him, we would date, marry and live happily ever after.  Apparently in life you don't always get your way. 

This crush fear boiled down to my one big fear - my lack of experience when it comes to dating.  I feel very lost and confused and lacking when it comes to dating because I've never really done this before.  As petrified as I am of being open and vulnerable regarding this crush, seeing him does make me feel pretty giddy.  So when the bad feelings come up, I try to remember the giddiness and pray for some sort of resolution soon.

Facing fears is never easy, but it is a necessary part of life and growing as a person.  What are some of the fears that you have faced?  Was the reality as bad as the fear?  How did you face them?

Until Next Time,