Fear

If I'm completely honest, I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid.  Part of me believes I was born fearful.  When I was probably 5-6 years old, at night I would roll over in bed and swear I could see people.  I would wake up scared out of my mind.  Once I could gain the courage, I would sprint across the house to my parents bedroom.  Many of those nights my dad would walk me around the house (and sometimes even the outside of the house) to show me that there was no one else there.  Thankfully it was discovered that the "people" I saw were actually created from a nightlight and some poorly placed stuffed animals.

My middle school years were spent in the Virgin Islands.  Life is completely different there.  It's not the safe hot tourist spot that everyone thinks that it is.  At least it wasn't when we lived there.  Though I dealt with fear when I was younger, I started dealing with fear (and anxiety) on a nearly daily basis at this point in my life.  For all of the beauty that the island holds, there is also a ton of ugly. 

High school was a beast.  While I was elated to finally be back stateside, I was not at all prepared for how high school would be.  In my mind, high school would be a lot like Saved by the Bell.  I was some kind of pissed when I discovered that it wasn't!  All kidding aside, the best way I can describe those four years is by saying it that nearly every minute of every day was a huge struggle.  Everything hit rock bottom at once for me during these years - anxiety/panic attacks, eating disorder, depression and especially fear.  I went to a high school that was incredibly large and I do not like crowds.  Freshman year we were off site and at first it wasn't so bad.  Then the tragedy at Columbine occurred.  I just never imagined that something so horrible could happen at a high school.  From that day until the end of our school year, we had constant (and incredibly frustrating) bomb threats.  My fear and anxiety skyrocketed.

The main high school campus was a whole different nightmare.   There was incredible overcrowding, constant fights, arrests, threats, etc.  As soon as I woke up each morning, I immediately started panicking that I would be late to school or that they would decide to ring the bell early and I would be late.  Once I would get to school (and I was usually there very early each morning) the panic and anxiety would switch to worrying about my upcoming classes.  Also, at this point in my life, every second of every day was filled with some kind of worry.  What if this happened and what if that occurred.  Rarely, if ever, did the "what if's" actually happen.  I don't know if I can put into words how real those numerous fears felt at those very moments.  Logically I can look back and completely see how extreme the worrying and fear was, but there is also a part of me that can completely understand it.

Since high school I have dealt with fear on and off.  There were times when it overwhelmed me so much that I could barely get out of bed or leave my house.  It was absolutely crippling.  There were also times when I was almost completely fear free.  Recently the fear has come back.  A few months ago one of my younger sisters started driving and turned 18.  My youngest sister is nearly a teen and growing up more and more everyday.  When I realized that I could no longer protect them, fear set in.  I started preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, in case something horrible happened to them.  Or anyone in my family for that matter.  I finally decided that I'm completely over living my life this way and knew that I needed to take steps to face my fears head on, once and for all.

Starting January 14th I will be taking an e-course called 30 Days of Cultivating Courage.  Every day you get an email with lesson or activity in which you will have to be courageous and face a fear.  Once this program is complete, I will start a 40 day fear cleansing e-course.  I know facing these fears is not going to be easy, but it is absolutely necessary.

Do you have to deal with rational or irrational fears?  What steps have you taken to conquer your fears?


Until Next Time,

A Letter to ED

One thing that has brought me a lot of comfort has been to write letters to different people (myself, God, future husband, etc).  They usually aren't very long, just a little note in my journal with whatever is on my heart at that very moment.  Today I decided to write a letter to ED - my eating disorder.

Dear ED,

You've been in my life since I was 11 years old.  You came in to my life when I had no one and you became my best friend.  I no longer had to focus on living in a strange new place, I just shifted my focus to controlling what went in to my body and why.  Screw thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Any time one of those little bastards came up (especially the uncomfortable ones) we would shove it down with food. 

We became quite the team, you and I.  One day, just binging on the food wasn't enough.  You had the bright idea to start purging.  At the time I thought you were a genius.  Seriously - it was us against the world.  We had our binge/purge routine down and everyday it was on instant repeat. 

But as I got older, it became harder and harder to keep you a secret.  Trying to think up different reasons as to why I would randomly throw up, on top of the fact that I was scared someone would figure us out just became too much.  One night I hit my rock bottom and went online to research our relationship.  I learned that our relationship wasn't healthy and that there were places I could go to get help.

When I went to California, I was scared out of my mind.  Not only was this my first trip alone, but I was going to have to learn all of the reasons our relationship was bad.  I was going to have to try and face the world without you.  By the time I left treatment, I thought I knew everything.  I thought we were done and I was moving on with my life.  Boy was I wrong.

That was in 2005 and I was 21.  Here I am at 28 and you're still a part of my life.  I guess on some level you will always be.  I know that I cannot depend on you anymore.  Here are some hard life lessons that I've had to learn:  your life isn't going to turn out how you planned it and that's OK.  No matter how hard it is, just be you.  Even on the days when you feel like the world is against you.  Just. Be. You.  Also, emotions and feelings aren't as bad as I thought they were.  They're actually pretty nice.  Even the not so nice ones.  They help you stay grounded.  And lastly, as scary as it is, it's OK to ask for help.  And for love and affection.  In fact, demand it.  But don't lose your integrity for it.

So ED, the time has come to say goodbye.  I'm OK on my own.  I don't need you anymore.  I know you'll be in the background getting stronger, but don't worry - so will I.

Warmly,

Sarah



Until Next Time,

Goals for 2013

Yes I realize it is only September, but I have already started setting my personal goals for 2013.  I'm not a big New Year's resolution fan.  There's just something about setting a goal at the same time as the rest of the world that doesn't sit well with me.  Instead I like to set personal and professional goals for myself throughout the year. 

The goals I set for myself for 2012 were: to learn to love my outside body as much as I loved who I am inside, to continue to work out and finish losing a certain amount of weight, to be brave and step outside of my comfort zone and to do yoga and Pilate's.  For the most part, I did really good with my goals.  I did learn to love my outside body as much as I love who I am inside.  I started yoga and Pilate's and LOVED it!  I was brave and I did step outside of my comfort zone.  I did not finish losing weight.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I ended up gaining 10 pounds.  All in all, I've had a successful 2012.

I've done a lot of thinking and praying recently and here are some of the goals I've set for myself for 2013 (though I've already started working on them now):

1. To start running.  Yes running.  I've only ever run when fight or flight kicked in.  Running for enjoyment is totally foreign to me.  It looks nice when I see others running, so here's to hoping I don't get chased by random dogs and survive. 
2. To get closer to God.  I feel like all relationships need work to survive and this includes spiritual ones as well.
3. To spend more time on me.  By this I mean listening to my true feelings and emotions and honoring them.  Also working through different courses that help me to learn more and grow.
4. To read more.  There are currently 71 books on my Barnes & Nobles wish list.  I buy one and add three it seems.
5. To be more vulnerable and brave.  No one wants to be vulnerable, but that's when life's greatest moments happen.

What are your goals for 2013?


Until Next Time,

Letter to Myself

The past few weeks have been slightly challenging.  In light of this, I have decided to post the letter I wrote to myself last year again.  There are things in this letter that I need to remind myself of. 


Dear Sarah,

Don't let your fears hold you back from experiencing life. Be brave. Be courageous. Take leaps of faith. Ultimately learn to Be your journey. Learning this is life changing.

Be a kid as long as you can. You'll miss not having a childhood later. And being an adult is not always all it’s cracked up to be.

In those really dark moments where you contemplate ending your life, know that it does get better.

The eating disorder that started when you were twelve and became your best friend for many many years will eventually help lead you to discovering who you are.

Don’t ever forget those moments of aloneness and loneliness. There will come a time when you will wish you could have some alone time. Enjoy all of your single years because you won’t be single forever. You won’t start dating or even marry when you think. Stay strong and keep faith during those days when you wonder if God has forgotten you. He hasn’t. God gives you everything you need when you're ready. Don’t ever stop believing that. He will give you the family you’ve always wanted and needed later on in life.

Learn about your feelings and acknowledge them. Even the hate, anger and sadness. Those feelings make you human. Sit with the pain. Even take it with you on your journey. Pain can be a beautiful thing so learn as much as you can from it. And as much as you try to deny it, you are human and you love and feel and just want to be accepted as is.

Have more fun. Don’t be so serious. Let loose. Life is too short to be so serious and stressed.

Let people in. It can be incredibly scary, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

Your mom – the day will come when you realize you're better off without her. Don’t spend another second trying to win her love, affection or attention. You will never get it. She will cause the first, and most painful, broken heart of your life. Realize that it’s not you that caused her to be the way she is. The sooner you realize it the better off you’ll be. And it’s OK to feel sad and grieve those moments in your life when you want or need a mother and don’t have one. In the end, not having this significant relationship will cause you to trust yourself more and to fill your own toolbox with life experiences.

Stop trying to be invisible because of your size. The sooner you start loving yourself and your body, the better off you’ll be.

Make sure you love yourself more than anyone else can. It will help raise the standard on how much love you deserve. And you do deserve to be loved.

Not every decision or relationship is black and white. It’s confusing and difficult but try and accept the gray areas.

Believe in yourself. Dream big. Know you are worth it.

Love,

The older, wiser you



If you wrote a letter to your younger self, what would you say?


Until Next Time,

 

Expectations

A major part of life is dealing with expectations.  Your expectations for yourself, your co-workers expectations of you, your spouses/significant others expectations for you and your expectations for others.  Most people have higher expectations for themselves than for others.  It makes perfect sense.  You need to lead by example.  But what happens when you fail to meet your own expectations?

During December 2011 I decided to give myself a little break on working out and eating cleanly every day.  I still tried to eat as clean as possible, but with all of the holiday parties going on, I gave myself the chance to not worry about calories or carbs and just enjoy food.  When I gave myself this little break, I also made goals that I expected I would start following come January 1st.  I was amped up and ready to go.  And then January came and went and nothing happened.  I had absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING that I had expected I would be doing.  I felt disengaged from myself and from life.  I was exhausted all of the time.  February came and went as well and still nothing. 

It was at this point that anxiety set in.  All I could think about were the goals I had set for myself and how I was doing NOTHING to accomplish some of them.  While I was working diligently to learn to love my exterior as much as I love my interior, I was not working out, eating as healthy as I should or doing yoga.  When I should have been working on the two books I am writing, I was sleeping hoping I could finally get enough sleep to knock the exhaustion I felt down a notch. 

I finally went to the doctor and found out that my vitamin D level was very low.  I was given a prescription for a higher dosage of vitamin D.  It is now September and I am still on the prescription dosage because somehow my levels have managed to drop lower than they previously were.  So what do you do when you've gained 10 pounds instead of losing 40?  When in the past two months you've written one page for your first book and haven't started the second book? 

You readjust your expectations.  No I didn't lose the 40 pounds like I planned (and instead gained 10), but I have also learned to love my exterior as much as I love my interior.  I never thought that was possible unless I finished losing weight.  I still expect to finish losing weight, I just realize that it probably won't be by the end of this year.  Like I told someone this morning, I would rather have a life filled with wonderful memories than a life filled with counting calories and exercise routines. 

Life happens.  You can only control so much.  And if you are spending too much time on something that is not bringing you joy and happy memories, readjust your expectations and move on. 


Until Next Time,

Conversations with God

If you are anything like me, then you have lots of conversations with God.  Sometimes you even question if he has forgotten about you.  Case in point, the other night I was listening to the song "Can Anybody Hear Me" by Meredith Andrews.  The song is about a person who is praying to God, but hearing nothing in return.  They haven't given up faith, but they need something to help keep them going and believing.  I know exactly how they feel. 

Recently I prayed and asked God to take control of a situation and asked Him to let me know, good or bad, what the outcome would be.  And I got nothing but silence.  Not even crickets, just silence.  Well, this can't be good, I thought.  So is that I no?  Every fleeting thought ended with me trying to decipher whether that was a sign or not.  First I was hurt, then I was frustrated.  Why can't He just give me something. 

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and have a very special prayer with God letting him know exactly what I needed from Him (I know, I'm a control freak!).  It went a little something like this:  "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all of the many blessings in my life.  Without You, we are nothing.  Father, I need your help with this situation.  Since You know my entire life story, start to finish, you already know about the issue and you also know the end result.  I know I need to work on my patience and I am, but I'm also insanely confused and feeling very much out of my league trying to figure everything out.  So could you please be a little more clear with your signs?  I don't understand vagueness very well.  I also don't understand men very well (the confusing situation).  Every guy I like doesn't like me and I don't understand the guys who like me.  They have a very odd way of showing it.  It's all just so very confusing.  I really did think I would have dating and guys figured out by now Lord.  So Father, anything that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.  Can you just give me something?  Thank you again for all of the blessing in my life.  In Jesus' name we pray.  Amen."

This prayer was sent out a few weeks ago.  To date I still don't have a definite answer.  Just lots of confusion and frustration and ... hope.  I have learned a major life lesson during this time - no matter how frustrated you get with God, he never leaves your side.  No matter how much you believe it, He hasn't forgotten about you.   In my case, He's just teaching me to be patient and learn to have complete faith in Him.

What are some of the conversations that you've had with God?  Was there a time when you felt that He forgot about you? 


Until Next Time,

Shine

Recently I read a tweet on Twitter about a 31-day self-acceptance journey called Shine.  I was instantly intrigued.  This could be the perfect opportunity for me to continue my personal journey towards complete self love and acceptance.  I was directed to Rosie Molinary's website.  Here is how Shine was described on her website:

a 31 day guide to embracing your authentic, beautiful self

so you can be lit from within to live your passion and purpose

and give your gifts to the world

I was immediately hooked.  Every day in August there will be a new challenge to help you along your journey.  At the end of the day you go back to her website and leave a comment about your experience with the challenge.  And it gets better.  There are prizes!!  This is one journey that I simply cannot wait to start. 

I'm going to find ways to Shine on my journey to self acceptance.  Will you join me?


Until Next Time,