Lover of God, Boston Red Sox, Boston Bruins, The Big Bang Theory and Kashi's Dark Chocolate Oatmeal cookies. Loving my journey which includes losing weight, getting healthier and discovering who I really am.
Think back to when you were little. Remember all of the big plans and dreams that you had for yourself? Now raise your hand if you have been able to achieve all of them. For those of you who have achieved all of your dreams, I applaud you! But for the rest of us, not achieving those goals can be a difficult thing to deal with.
When I was little I thought by now I would have a job where I helped make the world a better place, be married, have 2.5 dogs, be thin, have lots of friends and quite the social life. The reality is I'm bored out of my mind at my job, I've never even been on a date, I'm still overweight (though I have lost some weight) and almost all of my friends are married with children and none of them love to watch baseball. Bummer! If I look back over my life journey I can see why I am where I am in my life and how I got here. It makes complete and total sense. But when I start comparing expectations from younger years to where I am today...yikes! It's at this very moment that my inner critic goes buck wild!
There is a saying that goes, "you are exactly where you are supposed to be." Now think about that for a minute. Even at this very moment, you are right where you are supposed to be in life. Kinda crazy! I am one of those people who has high expectations for myself and others. We're not always going to live up to all of those expectations. That's reality. Life happens. But the real beauty in all of this is when you learn to be kind and compassionate to yourself and others when you're expectations aren't met. Sometimes that's when the greatest things in life happen.
All day today I kept seeing message after message regarding KONY2012. When I got home I watched the video that everyone was talking about. I was shocked, disgusted and heartbroken. I also felt hopeful, proud and empowered. The crimes that are happening in Uganda are gut wrenching. Simply because these children were born in a different country does not mean that they should have to experience these atrocities. We are all apart of the same race. The human race. Together we can help them.
Below is the very moving and incredibly powerful movie. I urge you to watch it and spread the word. You may also visit their website at InvisibleChildren.
The Webster's dictionary's definition of shame is: a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety b: the susceptibility to such emotion.
At some point in our lives we have all dealt with shame. Some of us still deal with it. We all want to be the best at whatever it is that we are experiencing in our lives. Be the best child or parent. Be an amazing spouse and lover. Be the greatest friend ever. Be the employee that always meets all of the deadlines, makes all of the deals and wins all of the awards. We always set the bar incredibly high for ourselves and, when we can't meet our standards, shame and guilt set in.
I have dealt with shame at different stages throughout my life. For most of my life I felt shamed by one parent for not being a good enough daughter. Once I realized that I wasn't the issue in that relationship, my shame switched over to work. I felt that my company was too loyal when I wasn't living up to my potential. Once I started performing better at work, my shame switched over to not being a good enough older sister. You see, until I was 24 I had always been the baby of the family. I didn't have to be a good role model to younger siblings. When my dad married my step mom, that changed. I became an older sister to two amazing younger sisters. I was really worried that I would be a horrible older sister. Thankfully, over time I've been able to prove myself wrong with that one.
Recently a new shame has come over me that I have never dealt with before. Shame about my body. Prior to my losing weight, I was in a very dark place and really didn't care what my 300+ body looked liked. I never really worried about dating or guys. No one dates at my size anyways, I would tell myself. Ninety-two pounds lighter and I'm battling my body image now more than ever. If I were to make a pro/con list about myself, my biggest con would be my body, especially my stomach. I cannot stand it. The more I work out and the more weight I lose, the more I hate it. And no matter how many pros I list about myself and no matter how great those pros are, there is one huge con (and a few minor one's) that trump all of the good about me.
Sure I wish I made more money, had a bigger savings account and had better credit. To me those three con's aren't too bad. But when you add my current body to the equation, forget it. Now I don't make enough money, I don't have enough money in savings, I don't have a good enough credit score and my body isn't good enough. Simply put - I am no longer enough.
One of my favorite people on the planet is Brene Brown. She is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work and she studies courage, vulnerability, shame and authenticity. In her book The Gifts of Imperfection (I highly recommend this book), Brene says "Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." This quote has become my life journey motto! It is so true and so honest. During the moments when deep shame overwhelms me, this is the quote that I repeat to myself over and over again until I start believing it.
While at times it may be difficult to believe, you just as you are right now are enough. If you are going to do one thing for yourself in life, make sure that you always know that you are enough.
When I first started this blog I wrote about all of the diet changes and exercise that I had done to lose 92 pounds. Now I'm being completely honest when I say that I haven't worked out two days in a row since November and my diet in the past month has been horrible. When I originally gave myself a two week workout break in November, I was shocked to get back on the scale at the end and learn that I had not gained a single pound. Shocked! I was preparing myself for a 10 pound weight gain. After lots of work, I had finally gotten my metabolism to actually do it's job and work on a regular basis.
I would work out one day here and there, but not on the consistent basis that I had previously done. There is something about winter that makes me want to eat warm foods and very sleepy. I managed to make it through December without gaining any weight, but I was still doing fairly good with what I was eating. And then January came. At the end of December I had big plans for myself. I had my workout routine down and was going to be vigorous with my workouts and dieting. Except that I didn't plan to have a mini meltdown. It was at this point that it start gaining speed.
I am harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. As the days turned into weeks and I still couldn't get it together and workout more than one day at a time, I started to really beat myself up. When did I get so weak and lazy? I used to walk almost an hour every day. Why can't I just workout for 20 minutes today? Why can't I just get it together? I'm supposed to be working out everyday so that I can finish losing weight this year. I'm not losing any weight by sitting on my butt doing nothing. By the end of January beginning of February the diet was out the window. Lots of emotions and feelings were coming up and I did not want to deal with them or acknowledge them.
At work I did really well with my eating. It's when I came home that I lost all control. Lots of bowls of cereal and fast food. I finally decided that I was over all of the crappy food and was ready to go back to eating healthy again. I even devised a four day workout routine - day 1 is cardio, day 2 is strength training, day 3 is yoga and Pilate's and day 4 is an off day. Today was supposed to be day 1. And then I pulled my hamstring this morning. (This injury is supposed to affect athletes. How I pulled it was no where near being athletic nor could it even be considered exercise) Hello Frustration. It has not been that long since I last saw you. Please go away for a long time. Sincerely, Sarah.
So as I sit here icing my elevated hamstring hoping it heals quickly I also have to take a few moments to sit with my thoughts, feeling and emotions. Even the bad ones. I've accepted the 5 pound weight gain. I can't change the decisions I've made in the past, but I can make better decisions in the future.
Have you ever gotten a point in your life where you just felt lost? You know you need to make changes, but you don't even know where to begin or what changes need to be made? Your life is blah, but you don't know how to fix it? You forgot how to take care of yourself emotionally and you're not sure how to get back on track. Well, that's where I'm at at this time in my life. Changes must be made and the sooner the better.
Part of me is excited about making the necessary changes, but a bigger part of me is scared. I may have to face some fears and other ugly scary things. I'm probably going to have to be vulnerable and it's one of those feelings I'm not that fond of. Every aspect of my life (work, relationships, self, etc) needs to be shaken up.
Some time last year I read about Christine Hassler who is a life coach for the 20-somethings. I read a post called What Do I Want To Do With My Life. My first thought was of relief. Sweet, there are other people in the world who feel like I do. I'm not the only one. My second thought was that I need to take this course one day. Sadly I have not yet taken this course, but hopefully I will in the next month or two.
In happier news, Christine wrote a book called 20 Something 20 Everything: A Quarter-life Woman's Guide to Balance and Direction which I just purchased. I am ecstatic to get started on it. In fact, most of my weekend will be spent working on this and ultimately working on myself. I believe that if you take care of yourself first, you will be better able to take care of others later.
I spent this past weekend in Austin celebrating my friend Courtney's birthday. Even with crappy weather we had a blast! But bigger things than just letting loose and having fun happened. I learned some things about myself and was able to face some fears that I had.
Friday night we went to listen to some bands in Gruene, Texas. I was totally out of my element - out in a strange city, at a dance hall listening to singers I've never heard of before. I had the best time! I actually even surprised myself. I was prepared to sit in a corner and read a book on my phone the entire night. I even got hit on by a sweet 60 year old man! Saturday night we went to two different places. The first place I was totally out of my element. I was uncomfortable and I did what made me comfortable - I read a book on my phone! No matter how hard I tried to loosen up, I just couldn't.
We left there and went to the second bar. A place that was the mother load of scariness for me - a bar so packed you couldn't hardly move. I HATE non-moving crowds. After about 20 minutes of this we all went outside on the patio. I was able to relax more because I could actually move around and breathe easily. While we were standing on the patio a guy came out and asked us for a pen. He was super cute and hilarious. He was also drunk. He came out a couple of times to talk to all of us and he and I talked each time. I later learned that he was flirting with me. I honestly thought he was just a drunk guy and wasn't serious. (My sister said I'm like the movie Clueless - I'm clueless when it comes to flirting with guys and them flirting with me! :) )
Let me backtrack a little and say that before I went on this trip I was REALLY struggling with my self image. I love every other part of my body but my stomach. I have been struggling and stressing trying to figure out how to love it honestly. But thanks to 3:00AM girl talk (very insightful for me!) and a flirty drunk guy I realized something big - guys aren't as shallow as I made them out to be. Just like I look at more than physical features when I'm interested in a guy, they do the same thing when they are interested in a girl. It was a big aha moment for me! And talking to a strange guy on a personal level was not nearly as frightening as I originally thought. My family kept telling me that it's not as bad I make it out to be, but this was one lesson that I had to learn on my own.
I truly believe that God gives you trying times and difficult days so that He can teach you some wonderful lessons. This was exactly what I needed to learn.
So on this hilarious trip I learned that it's OK to let loose and have some fun, flirting with guys (and flirty guys) isn't as scary as I originally thought and that Austin is, well, weird!
