My Journey to Body Love and Acceptance

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." ~ Oscar Wilde

My main goal for 2012 was plain and simple: learn to love my exterior body as much as I love my interior self.  For far too many years I spent my life trying to be the person that everyone else wanted me to be.  I did nothing good for myself and I ended up hating myself for it immensly.  The past two years have involved lots of hard work to become the person I wanted and needed to be.  But once I got to the point where I adored the person I became, I absolutely hated my body.  And I mean hated with a capital H.

I am incredibly proud to have lost 92 pounds, but it does certain things to your body and they aren't always appealing.  Once I realized that there was a huge disconnect between my inner and outer self, I quickly came to the realization that I was the only person who could change these feelings.  This was when I decided to make it my number one goal for myself for 2012.

I started by making a concious decision to be kinder to myself.  Believe me when I say that this is easier said than done, but it is very necessary.  I looked at older pictures of myself, so I could see how far I've come and what a difference I have made.  I also made another concious decision to like and/or follow people and companies on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr who feature healthy plus sized women who are closer to my size.  Let's face it, lots of places say that they are for plus sized women, but their definition of plus sized is a 6.  When you see lots of happy healthy women who are your size, you don't feel like such a whale.  You feel normal.

One of the greatest things that I have done is to start practicing yoga.  I was petrified to start yoga because I thought it was only for skinny people.  Boy was I wrong.  The first time I completed a session there were tears of joy in my eyes.  Not only had I faced a huge fear and conquered it, but I did something where I was able to love my entire body.  It didn't matter that my stomach wasn't the size I want it to be, I could still stand on one foot, bend down and lift my other leg all the way in the air like a pro!

The most important thing I have learned in my journey to body love and acceptance is to make yourself a priority.  You get to set the standards for how everyone else gets to treat you, so you better set them high.  No my body is not perfect, but no one else's is either. 

How have you learned to love you inner and outer self? 

Until Next Time,

Music Makes The World Go 'Round

One of the many things that I have inherited from my dad is a serious love of music.  When I was in the womb he would sing silly songs to me and when I was born I knew his voice first.  When I was in elementary school, on the mornings that he was able to take me to school we would blast 60's Party Rock all the way.  Music is the one thing that can completely calm my nerves and change my mood.  You know it's a good song when you feel it deep in your soul.  From the time I get up until I go to bed, music is playing 90% of the time.  Below is a list of my top 20 favorite songs and the newest artists that I am loving.  With nearly 2000 songs downloaded, this was no easy feat. (Side note: I tried to do a top 10, but I love too many songs.  Also, I realized what a sap I am when it comes to music)

1. Let It Be Me - Ray LaMontagne.  I can listen to this song a million times and it never gets old.  I already know this will be the first dance song at my wedding one day.  It's so powerful and honest.
2. New Favorite Memory - Brad Paisley.  This song makes me think of what it's like to be in a new relationship and you find all of the things you love about the person you are with.
3. Never Stop - SafetySuit.  I love everything this band does.  Listen closely to the words.
4. My Girl Tonight - Jon McLaughlin.  There is such a vulnerability with this song. 
5. NKOTBSB Mash Up. It's a mash up of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys.  Enough said.
6. I Look to You - Selah.  There is a video on YouTube of lead singer Amy Perry talking about her struggle with her weight which lead her to write this song.  Very inspirational song.
7. Boston - Augustana.  Even though I am a Texas girl, I love Boston sports teams.  This song has nothing to do with sports, but I can listen to it on repeat!
8. I Ain't Ready to Quit - Jason Aldean.  "If you think you've seen love, you ain't seen nothing yet."  The line just gets to me.
9. The Sound of a Million Dreams - David Nail.  He could sing the phonebook and it would be amazing. This song really showcases his amazing voice.
10. One and Only - Adele.  "I dare you to let me be your one and only.  I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms."  Holy amazing lyrics and song.  And it's Adele!
11. Sober - Kelly Clarkson.  The words of this song hit home with me when I struggle with my eating disorder.  Powerful song that brings me to tears every time I hear it.
12. When I Look At You - Lesley Roy.  Fun and upbeat song to brighten your day.
13. Lovers and Friends - Lil Jon.  One of the best songs ever. 
14. Contagious - The Isley Brothers.  I know every word of this song, including the conversation part.  I sing it when I'm doing the dishes.
15. Can Anybody Hear Me - Meredith Andrews.  She is an amazing Christian singer.  For anyone who has ever wondered if God has forgotten them, this song is for you.
16. Forever - Ben Harper.  Who doesn't want to be someones forever?
17. Touch - Josh Abbott Band.  This song just rocks!
18. While I'm Waiting - John Waller.  Heard this song while watching Fireproof.  Amazing movie and an even more amazing song. 
19. These Arms of Mine - Otis Redding.  I could listen to Mr. Redding all day and night. 
20. Suffocate - J. Holiday.  What girl doesn't want to hear a guy say that she takes his breath away?

Here are a couple of albums that I'm currently obsessed with:

Ryan Star 11:59

The more I listen to this album, the more I love it.  Rock/Alternative music.

Josh Gracin Redemption

He can sing the heck out of a song.  Country

Green River Ordinance Under Fire

Hannah originally introduced me to them.  Loving their new album. Alt-Rock

Who are your favorite bands and/or singers?  What are your favorite songs?

Until Next Time,



Updates

First off, I apologize for the delay in posts.  You know the saying, "be care what you wish for?"  Well I'm learning that lesson at work.  I was bored, asked for more work and now I am overwhelmed.  I know it will get better, but this month has been insane.  Hopefully I will start to have more time for the blog.

I wanted to update you on two issues that I have been working on this year.  The first goal I had for myself this year was to find my passion.  Figure out what it was that made me happy and do it.  I am happiest when I am writing.  So after talking to my dad and step mom, I decided to write a book.  The book is continuously changing.  It was going to be a romance book with a plus size female.  Then I realized I didn't know what that would look like.  So now not only does she fall in love with a man, she falls in love with herself.  I feel that these are both important topics for plus sized women and I hope I do the story justice.

The other thing that I really wanted to work on this year was my body image. I really didn't know how or where to begin on this one, but I knew that it was very important to me.  I am completely comfortable not being stick thin, but I still see myself as I was before I lost 92 pounds.  I started by subscribing to various things on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr that promote healthy plus sized women.  That way whenever I would log on, I would see these gorgeous women.  Let me tell you, it has helped tremendously.  I've also decided that even though I still want to lose more weight, I am happy with where I am now.  The fatigue that I've been battling is starting to go away, so I hope to get back to working out a few days a week soon. 

What are your goals for yourself?  Have you accomplished any of them?  If so, how?  How do you plan to accomplish the one's that you are still working on?

Until Next Time,

Choosing ME Before WE

Last week I decided to browse through Barnes and Noble to see if I found any books that looked interesting.  As I was searching, Christine Arylo's Choosing ME Before WE came up.  As I read through it's description I was somewhat skeptical.  Not about the book being good, but did I really need a book about choosing me?  I'm single.  I choose me every day.  What do I want for dinner?  What do I want to do today?  After reading some of the reviews, I decided to purchase the book.  Once I downloaded it, I REALLY started thinking about how and when I choose me. 

Barely into the first chapter, I was hit with the realization that I had not been choosing me.  Well, at least not like I should have been.  Two years ago I did choose me when I took my mother out of my life, because I did it so I could focus on, learn about and love me.  Yes I have done that daily in the past two years.  But when I started focusing on myself, I did it because I wanted to be in a relationship after being single for 25 years.  I bettered myself so that I would be a great girlfriend and eventually a wife one day.  Have you ever driven home thinking about what it would be like to have someone waiting for you or gotten up in the morning and wondered what it would be like to have someone there getting ready for work while you are as well?  Have you ever imagined what it would feel like to hold someone else's hand so much you felt it in your bones?  These are the things I would think about when I needed to be thinking about me.

During my journey of reading this book, Christine talks about loving yourself.  Over the past two years I have learned to love myself something fierce.  Yes there are parts of me that I would like to better and change, but on every level, I love who I am.  No lie - I think I am the greatest thing since sliced bread!  Here's a funny thing though, even with all of this self love, I have never spoken the words "I love you" to myself.  Never.  At least not when tequila wasn't involved!  The truth of the matter is I have always wanted to hear those three magic words from a great guy.  It never dawned on me to tell myself, out loud, that I love Sarah when I feel it. They say one of the secrets to a happy and long lasting marriage is to fall in love with your spouse all over again every day.  If the most important relationship you have is with yourself, it makes sense that you would need to fall in love with yourself all over again ever day.  Do you?  I had never thought about it, but I will now! 

A month ago I did something I had never done in my life - I faced my fears and went to the movies by myself. Somehow in my 27 years of existence, I had never done this. I was scared people would judge or think I was some lonely cat lady. Instead I LOVED IT!! I may never go to the movies with others again! I got to sit wherever I wanted, spread out and enjoy a movie all by myself.  It was also incredibly freeing.  I was taking care of myself and listening to what I needed and wanted to do. 

Do you put yourself first in relationships?  Do you love yourself unconditionally?  Do you put ME before the WE?  If not, I highly recommend you pick up Christine Arylo's Choosing ME Before WE.


Until Next Time,

Wordless Wednesday

Found here

 

Found here

Until Next Time,

Mother's Day...

Truth be told there were other possible titles for this post. "Mother's Day Blows Chunks."  "Mother's Day Sucks."  "Crappiest Day of the Year."  Yesterday was a rough day.  A day that is meant to celebrate amazing women ended up being one of the most painful for me.  My mom isn't in my life anymore.  No she didn't pass away.  She just spent all of my life telling me that she wished she never had me and that I was the biggest mistake of her life. 

I've decided there really needs to be a day for people who had a**holes for mother's.  Where is our day?  Also, there should be a sale on tequila that day.

The relationship between mother and daughter is one of the most important relationships in life.  The mother spends many years grooming her daughter to be a woman one day. To be a woman, wife and mother.  A mother's love is like no other.  When rejection is given instead of love, that pain is second to none.  You're left to pick up the pieces and try to figure out what is so profoundly wrong with you.  All I saw yesterday were stories and articles and interviews from people who were blessed with amazing women who were so proud to be mother's. 

And all I could think was why was I given a defective mother, but others weren't.  What's so wrong with me that she didn't want to be my mom?   I know that she is the one with the problems and the issues are hers to deal with, but on days like yesterday you can't help but wonder why you were picked to win the crappy mom lottery.   All I know is that it's her loss and she is the one missing out on being a part of my really great life.   



Until Next Time,

Battle

For a large portion of my life, I completely ignored my feelings.  Pretended I was a robot and didn’t have any.  Hated the thought of acknowledging them because it made me vulnerable.  Vulnerability was weakness I would think.  Eventually I learned that it is courageous to admit and acknowledge your feelings and emotions.  You are actually being brave in those alleged moments of weakness.

One thing I have struggled with recently is how one day I can be completely fine with a particular issue (being single, my weight, etc) and the very next day I’m struggling with it.  How did this happen?  Just yesterday I was fine.  Can I hurry up and get it together?  When I talk to myself (in the not crazy kind of way!) I can be brutal and mean.  I’m stupid and weak because I can’t keep my emotions and feelings in line and together forever.  But for anyone else in the world who is going through the exact same thing that I am, I can be empathetic and compassionate.  "Of course your feelings and emotions will change."  "You’re only human."  "Any man would be incredibly lucky to have you. " "Just you wait – God will give you the right man at the right time and it will all make sense."  "You’re gorgeous just the way you are."  When I’m speaking to myself, terms like fatty and tubby and lazy are used.

A few months ago my therapist asked me (when I announced that I hated who I was as a child since I didn’t stand up for myself) what I would tell someone who was going through the issues I was.  If the other person said they hated who they were as a child, how would I respond to them?  Without hesitation I offered them advice full of love and support.  It was honest and compassionate.  She stopped me and asked why I couldn’t do the same thing for myself.  Wow!  I had never thought of it that way.  It was at that moment that I learned that when I can’t show myself support and love and compassion, I need to take a step back and think about what I would tell someone else who was in the same predicament.  Then I tell myself that advice. 

As I mentioned earlier, the two things I have been struggling with recently are my weight and being single.  Here is how I have handled both issues: being single can be both painful and liberating at the same time.  There is such a freedom in only having to worry about you.  You don’t have to cook anyone else dinner or do their laundry or talk to them first before making a decision.  It can also be lonely.  But I am very resolute in the fact that I would rather being single and alone than in a crappy relationship.  I am also surrounded by people who are in relationships.  It’s not always easy to watch everyone else be taken on dates to fancy restaurants or have gifts showered on them or have someone that supports them all the time.  But I am faithful in the fact that God WILL put the right man in my life at the right moment.  I just have to stand back and be patient (which I am not!).  My weight is more of a struggle.  Even though I’ve lost 92 pounds, I feel like I’m the same size I was before I lost any weight.  I see my body as it was 92 pounds ago, not what it is today.  I wonder if any man will ever fully love me at my size.  I wonder if I will ever fully love me at any size.  When these feelings come up, I do the one thing I NEVER thought I would be able to do: yoga.  And I prove to myself that just because I’m plus size doesn’t mean I’m not healthy and fit.

When you have moments of inner turmoil, how do you handle them?

Until Next Time,