Twenties

So later this year I turn the big 3-0.  I'm not panicking or nervous about it.  In fact, I'm pretty excited about it.  I decided to write a letter to my twenties to start the farewell process.



Dear Twenties,

It's been an incredible 10 years.  An entire decade together - it's my longest relationship ever! Here's a quick rundown of everything you've given or taught me:

Deep loss and true self love.

That me, myself and I are the greatest date I could ever ask for and all I'll ever really need.

That sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks.

Weight gain and weight loss. Though I battle to urge to binge and purge more often than I care to admit, I finally know I will always fight to overcome this eating disorder until my last day.

I've gotten age spots and even more gray hair. Early menopause with hot flashes and facial hair.

The family I've always needed and never knew was out there.

The confidence to set standards for myself. And the knowledge to set those standards high.

The deep-to-your-soul belief that the only kids in my future are the sour patch ones.

The wisdom to eliminate all of the wrong people from my life. And the grace to wish them well.

The belief that there are multiple soul mates for everyone. For now, mine happen to be my kick ass sisters and a certain chocolate eyed brown lab.

The never ending supply of Say Yes to the Dress episodes.

The realization that I'm lucky to have a dad who patiently listens to me as I re-create the sounds my car made on my most recent drive.  And sisters who love road trips that involve beef jerky, getting lost and seeing baseball games.

The understanding that you always have to be true to yourself, regardless of how "quirky" everyone else thinks you are.

The faith that God will put the right man in your path when the time is right. (And finally realizing that you have to do more than go between work and home to actually meet him ;) )

And the hope that my thirties will be filled with more laughter and love and flirting and family and confidence and faith and kissing and baseball than I could ever imagine.

Cheers Twenties! You were ridiculously awesome and you treated me better than I could have ever imagined.

Thirties - you're (almost) up!!


Until Next Time,

Day 4: Your Biggest Fear As A Single Woman

I am posting this as part of The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge.

Deep down I truly believe and have faith that God will put the right man in my life at the right time.  But no matter how deep my faith is, I still have fears.  What can I say, I was a born worrier.  My first fear is that there is something about me that I need to change or work on and I don't know I need to.  Maybe I'm not domesticated enough or smart enough or funny enough.  In my mind I'm a fun person, but maybe the reality is that I need to be more fun.  Maybe I'm too serious or maybe I'm not serious enough.  Maybe I'm too much of a loner.  I've been single 29 years and I really treasure my alone time.  The list is endless and long.

My other fear is this - I'm not really good at realizing when a guy is flirting with me or is showing interest in me.  In fact, I'm completely clueless.  In my mind, things are very black and white.  They either are or they aren't.  And truthfully, I have no clue if they are or aren't.  If I think a guy is flirting with me, I have to ask either my sister or friend to confirm or deny it for me.  I miss the guys that are flirting and misinterpret guys who aren't flirting.  Just clueless.  I'm good with facts.  Not so good with dating and flirting.  So I am constantly praying and asking God to make it crystal clear to me that a guy is interested.  I don't want to miss Mr. Right because I genuinely didn't know he was interested.  And Lord, let him be OK with the fact that I'm not so great with flirting also!

What are your biggest fear(s) as a single woman?


Until Next Time,

Day 2: Describe a Moment When Being Single Really Sucked

I am posting this as part of The Single Woman's 30-Day Blogging Challenge. 

So here's the thing, most days I really love being single.  Yes I do want to be in a relationship and eventually get married, but for now I am really enjoying this time being single.  I can do exactly what I want to do right now and I don't have to think about anyone else.  I can focus solely on me and be as undomesticated as I want (hello wine, cheese and crackers for dinner!). 

But there was one day a few weeks ago where being single really sucked: Everything about that day felt like a battle, especially at work.  Just trying to get the simplest of answers was like pulling teeth.  People weren't responding in the time frame I needed them to, and when they did, they didn't have the answer I needed.  There was nothing earth shattering or horrible that happened.  It was just a day where, by the end of it, you felt like the world had beat you up.  Work was frustrating and my personal life wasn't much better.  I spent a good portion of the evening stressing and over thinking every little thing.  Things that more than likely will never happen - I spent hours worrying about them.  No matter how hard I tried to, I couldn't stop the downward over thinking spiral.

At the end of the day, I so desperately wanted someone to come home to.  Someone who would give me a hug when I got home and tell me that they were sorry I had a long day.  Someone I could have texted an S.O.S. to earlier in the day - long frustrating day ahead, bring lots of wine tonight. xoxo  But alas there was no one send the text to.  It was another day where I had to take care of myself - go to bed early and pray that tomorrow will be a better day. 


Until Next Time,

Goals for 2013 - Updated

Since we are basically half way through 2013, I thought I would give an update on where I stand on each goal that I wanted to achieve

1. To start running.  Yes running.  I've only ever run when fight or flight kicked in.  Running for enjoyment is totally foreign to me.  It looks nice when I see others running, so here's to hoping I don't get chased by random dogs and survive.  - Update: I haven't even started walking, much less running.  I have been horrible about working out.  By the end of the day, I am way to tired to work out.  So starting Monday, I will be getting up at 4:30 each morning to work out before work. 
2. To get closer to God.  I feel like all relationships need work to survive and this includes spiritual ones as well.  - Update: I feel like my relationship with God is growing on a daily basis.  I really enjoy the Jesus Calling app.  Every morning I take a few minutes to read the new entry for each day and have prayer time.
3. To spend more time on me.  By this I mean listening to my true feelings and emotions and honoring them.  Also working through different courses that help me to learn more and grow. - Update: I have learned to say "no" more to other and "yes" more to me.  Not everyone is going to like your answers and that's OK.  You don't have to please anyone but yourself.
4. To read more.  There are currently 71 books on my Barnes & Nobles wish list.  I buy one and add three it seems. - Update: Yes I am reading more, but I am also adding more books to my wish list.  It currently has 96 books on it.  I need a job where I read books 24/7.
5. To be more vulnerable and brave.  No one wants to be vulnerable, but that's when life's greatest moments happen. - Update: I have taken a few leaps of faith this year.  One really scared me, but that's usually when you know you made the right decision. 

I also hope to start blogging more.  I have a few topics I will be writing about in the coming days and weeks.  How are you doing on your goals for 2013?


Until Next Time,



 

Valuing Your Time

I don't watch a significant amount of television, but one of my guilty pleasures is Shark Tank.  For those of you who don't watch, the show has five successful millionaire/billionaire business men and women who listen to people's business plan.  If the shark loves the idea, then they can invest their own money into the business.  My favorite part is listening to the sharks give advice and think out each business.  The one thing I hear Mark Cuban talk about over and over again is whether a business is worth his time.  He may love the product and really want to invest, but if the company needs a significant amount of his time, then he usually backs out.

After hearing this numerous times, I decided to try and implement this thinking into my life.  I looked at everything I do and tried to decide does it bring me value and happiness as a person.  Some things I eliminated completely.  Others I adjusted. Of course, reading and baseball will never go away.   I also learned that I don't know how people who are married and/or have kids do it.  Seriously.  I just have me to take care of and I feel like I'm barely capable of that.  Here's a little snapshot of what I have to juggle (be prepared to laugh): work, working out, reading, writing, job searching and family time.  I wasn't kidding when I said I don't know how others do everything in their lives.   

One of the first things I worked on was TV time.  Normally I would come home from work, turn on the TV and just watch whatever until it was time to start getting ready for bed.  I was wasting those precious few hours at night doing nothing and I wasn't gaining anything from the TV I was watching.  I went through and decided which TV shows I really enjoyed and which ones I was just killing time with.  Now there are days when I don't even turn the TV on. 

Another area I evaluated was my job.  I love my co-workers, but I'm bored and I'm not making enough money.  Therefore a change needs to be made.  As I apply for jobs and go on interviews, the main thing I consider is - is this job worth my time?  Will I be making enough money to support myself, will I be challenged mentally, will I have opportunities to grow? 

Learn to tell other people no and tell yourself yes.  I love and adore my family, but I don't need to go to every single family dinner or outing.  Some days I tell them I don't want to go and instead stay home, enjoy the peace of an empty house and regroup.  The quite time I spend alone will make me a better daughter and sister.  I promise you, true friendships/relationships won't end because you occasionally tell someone you don't want to spend time with them. 

When it comes to dating, yes I would like to be in a relationship, but I'm not rushing it.  I know it will happen when the time is right, so for now I am soaking up this extra time I have being single.  I also don't go on dates just to say I went on a date.  I am big about not wasting my time or theirs when I know there is no chemistry or future.

Evaluate your life.  Are you valuing your time the way you want or are there changes that need to be made?

Until Next Time,

Book Details

So last year I decided to write a book.  It's a romance novel where the main character not only gets the guy, but she'll fall in love with herself as well.  I was raring to go and wrote roughly 11 pages.  And then nothing.  I couldn't decide where I wanted the story to go.  I literally could not make a single decision on the book.  I shelved it and knew that when the time was right I would come back to it.  Well, the time is right.

A little over a week ago I was in the shower and all of a sudden the story came to me.  I jumped out of the shower and wrote nearly 5 pages of notes and ideas.  Since then I have spent a ridiculous amount of hours researching the storyline.  I never would have imagined this much research would go into a book.  Even though this is a fictional romance novel, I want the "real" parts of the story to be as accurate as possible. 

Names have been picked, pictures of characters have been chosen and a rough storyline has been drafted.  As I make progress on the book, I will post sneak peeks here. 

I am very excited for this next chapter in my life, though I'm not sure I will have much of a personal life for the next while.

Until Next Time,

Weeds

"Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers" Kelly Clarkson, Sober

 

 

One of my all time favorite songs is Sober by Kelly Clarkson.  I love this song because it can be interpreted many different ways.  Any which way you look at it, it's a powerful song.  Today when I was listening to it, the line picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers stuck with me.  How powerful would it be to change all of the bad parts of us and keep the good ones simply by deciding to make the necessary changes?

 

Throughout our lives we all have various spring cleanings that are for our soul.  Sometimes we remove certain people from our lives, whether by ending a relationship or friendship.  Sometimes we remove bad habits and introduce healthy ones to our lives.  Sometimes we stop wearing clothes that don't flatter us and start wearing clothes that do.  And occasionally, we examine our lives and realize that changes need to be made.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. 

I've been examining all aspects of my life recently and I've realized that changes need to be made in nearly every area.  While I am a big advocate of change, actually making the necessary changes is not always easy.  I especially love when my life has a routine.  It's peaceful and comforting.  The area where I currently need the most change - my job.  I love most aspects of my job - a ten minute commute, most days are fairly routine, having the greatest co-workers ever, knowing what is expected out of me.  What's not to love?  Now my biggest goal for myself in 2013 is to be financially able to live on my own again.  I am desperate for that freedom.  The one thing that is currently holding me back from living on my own - not making enough money at my job.  Which can only mean one thing - change.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

I would rather go on one hundred blind dates than search for a new job.  I hate every part of it.  I've been at my current company for six and a half years.  I had to search to find out where to look for jobs.  Every job I look at, I doubt myself.  I'm very confident at my current job, but what if I can't do something basic at a new company?  Fear and doubt has crept in and taken up residence in my confidence.  I've been incredibly lucky to have a short commute and amazing co-workers.  I've already started preparing to drive much further every day.  What if I can't stand my future co-workers?  This change, my friends, will not be an easy one.  But I need this change more than any other.

My life is very simple.  I work.  I have a even simpler and quieter personal life.  It's non-existent.  I rarely go out.  I'm usually at home reading.  That's it.  I soon will be twenty-nine and I'm finally coming to the realization that Mr. Right will not coming knocking on my door. (Very lazy on his part if I do say so myself!)  Honestly, I think the poor fella is lost and I have to help him find his way to me, but that's another story.  The only way I can do that is by getting out of my comfort zone.  Shake up all aspects of my life.  Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers.

Changing my career is not the only change I need to make.  I need to start working out more frequently.  I really need to start practicing yoga and Pilate's again.  And let's not get started on my writing.  I need to bring back the parts of me that I have loved and missed and maybe even find new pieces that I never knew about.  I need to pick all of my weeds and keep the flowers.

What weeds to you need to pick and what flowers do you want to keep?



Until Next Time,

Fear

If I'm completely honest, I don't remember a time when I wasn't afraid.  Part of me believes I was born fearful.  When I was probably 5-6 years old, at night I would roll over in bed and swear I could see people.  I would wake up scared out of my mind.  Once I could gain the courage, I would sprint across the house to my parents bedroom.  Many of those nights my dad would walk me around the house (and sometimes even the outside of the house) to show me that there was no one else there.  Thankfully it was discovered that the "people" I saw were actually created from a nightlight and some poorly placed stuffed animals.

My middle school years were spent in the Virgin Islands.  Life is completely different there.  It's not the safe hot tourist spot that everyone thinks that it is.  At least it wasn't when we lived there.  Though I dealt with fear when I was younger, I started dealing with fear (and anxiety) on a nearly daily basis at this point in my life.  For all of the beauty that the island holds, there is also a ton of ugly. 

High school was a beast.  While I was elated to finally be back stateside, I was not at all prepared for how high school would be.  In my mind, high school would be a lot like Saved by the Bell.  I was some kind of pissed when I discovered that it wasn't!  All kidding aside, the best way I can describe those four years is by saying it that nearly every minute of every day was a huge struggle.  Everything hit rock bottom at once for me during these years - anxiety/panic attacks, eating disorder, depression and especially fear.  I went to a high school that was incredibly large and I do not like crowds.  Freshman year we were off site and at first it wasn't so bad.  Then the tragedy at Columbine occurred.  I just never imagined that something so horrible could happen at a high school.  From that day until the end of our school year, we had constant (and incredibly frustrating) bomb threats.  My fear and anxiety skyrocketed.

The main high school campus was a whole different nightmare.   There was incredible overcrowding, constant fights, arrests, threats, etc.  As soon as I woke up each morning, I immediately started panicking that I would be late to school or that they would decide to ring the bell early and I would be late.  Once I would get to school (and I was usually there very early each morning) the panic and anxiety would switch to worrying about my upcoming classes.  Also, at this point in my life, every second of every day was filled with some kind of worry.  What if this happened and what if that occurred.  Rarely, if ever, did the "what if's" actually happen.  I don't know if I can put into words how real those numerous fears felt at those very moments.  Logically I can look back and completely see how extreme the worrying and fear was, but there is also a part of me that can completely understand it.

Since high school I have dealt with fear on and off.  There were times when it overwhelmed me so much that I could barely get out of bed or leave my house.  It was absolutely crippling.  There were also times when I was almost completely fear free.  Recently the fear has come back.  A few months ago one of my younger sisters started driving and turned 18.  My youngest sister is nearly a teen and growing up more and more everyday.  When I realized that I could no longer protect them, fear set in.  I started preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, in case something horrible happened to them.  Or anyone in my family for that matter.  I finally decided that I'm completely over living my life this way and knew that I needed to take steps to face my fears head on, once and for all.

Starting January 14th I will be taking an e-course called 30 Days of Cultivating Courage.  Every day you get an email with lesson or activity in which you will have to be courageous and face a fear.  Once this program is complete, I will start a 40 day fear cleansing e-course.  I know facing these fears is not going to be easy, but it is absolutely necessary.

Do you have to deal with rational or irrational fears?  What steps have you taken to conquer your fears?


Until Next Time,

A Letter to ED

One thing that has brought me a lot of comfort has been to write letters to different people (myself, God, future husband, etc).  They usually aren't very long, just a little note in my journal with whatever is on my heart at that very moment.  Today I decided to write a letter to ED - my eating disorder.

Dear ED,

You've been in my life since I was 11 years old.  You came in to my life when I had no one and you became my best friend.  I no longer had to focus on living in a strange new place, I just shifted my focus to controlling what went in to my body and why.  Screw thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Any time one of those little bastards came up (especially the uncomfortable ones) we would shove it down with food. 

We became quite the team, you and I.  One day, just binging on the food wasn't enough.  You had the bright idea to start purging.  At the time I thought you were a genius.  Seriously - it was us against the world.  We had our binge/purge routine down and everyday it was on instant repeat. 

But as I got older, it became harder and harder to keep you a secret.  Trying to think up different reasons as to why I would randomly throw up, on top of the fact that I was scared someone would figure us out just became too much.  One night I hit my rock bottom and went online to research our relationship.  I learned that our relationship wasn't healthy and that there were places I could go to get help.

When I went to California, I was scared out of my mind.  Not only was this my first trip alone, but I was going to have to learn all of the reasons our relationship was bad.  I was going to have to try and face the world without you.  By the time I left treatment, I thought I knew everything.  I thought we were done and I was moving on with my life.  Boy was I wrong.

That was in 2005 and I was 21.  Here I am at 28 and you're still a part of my life.  I guess on some level you will always be.  I know that I cannot depend on you anymore.  Here are some hard life lessons that I've had to learn:  your life isn't going to turn out how you planned it and that's OK.  No matter how hard it is, just be you.  Even on the days when you feel like the world is against you.  Just. Be. You.  Also, emotions and feelings aren't as bad as I thought they were.  They're actually pretty nice.  Even the not so nice ones.  They help you stay grounded.  And lastly, as scary as it is, it's OK to ask for help.  And for love and affection.  In fact, demand it.  But don't lose your integrity for it.

So ED, the time has come to say goodbye.  I'm OK on my own.  I don't need you anymore.  I know you'll be in the background getting stronger, but don't worry - so will I.

Warmly,

Sarah



Until Next Time,

Goals for 2013

Yes I realize it is only September, but I have already started setting my personal goals for 2013.  I'm not a big New Year's resolution fan.  There's just something about setting a goal at the same time as the rest of the world that doesn't sit well with me.  Instead I like to set personal and professional goals for myself throughout the year. 

The goals I set for myself for 2012 were: to learn to love my outside body as much as I loved who I am inside, to continue to work out and finish losing a certain amount of weight, to be brave and step outside of my comfort zone and to do yoga and Pilate's.  For the most part, I did really good with my goals.  I did learn to love my outside body as much as I love who I am inside.  I started yoga and Pilate's and LOVED it!  I was brave and I did step outside of my comfort zone.  I did not finish losing weight.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I ended up gaining 10 pounds.  All in all, I've had a successful 2012.

I've done a lot of thinking and praying recently and here are some of the goals I've set for myself for 2013 (though I've already started working on them now):

1. To start running.  Yes running.  I've only ever run when fight or flight kicked in.  Running for enjoyment is totally foreign to me.  It looks nice when I see others running, so here's to hoping I don't get chased by random dogs and survive. 
2. To get closer to God.  I feel like all relationships need work to survive and this includes spiritual ones as well.
3. To spend more time on me.  By this I mean listening to my true feelings and emotions and honoring them.  Also working through different courses that help me to learn more and grow.
4. To read more.  There are currently 71 books on my Barnes & Nobles wish list.  I buy one and add three it seems.
5. To be more vulnerable and brave.  No one wants to be vulnerable, but that's when life's greatest moments happen.

What are your goals for 2013?


Until Next Time,

Letter to Myself

The past few weeks have been slightly challenging.  In light of this, I have decided to post the letter I wrote to myself last year again.  There are things in this letter that I need to remind myself of. 


Dear Sarah,

Don't let your fears hold you back from experiencing life. Be brave. Be courageous. Take leaps of faith. Ultimately learn to Be your journey. Learning this is life changing.

Be a kid as long as you can. You'll miss not having a childhood later. And being an adult is not always all it’s cracked up to be.

In those really dark moments where you contemplate ending your life, know that it does get better.

The eating disorder that started when you were twelve and became your best friend for many many years will eventually help lead you to discovering who you are.

Don’t ever forget those moments of aloneness and loneliness. There will come a time when you will wish you could have some alone time. Enjoy all of your single years because you won’t be single forever. You won’t start dating or even marry when you think. Stay strong and keep faith during those days when you wonder if God has forgotten you. He hasn’t. God gives you everything you need when you're ready. Don’t ever stop believing that. He will give you the family you’ve always wanted and needed later on in life.

Learn about your feelings and acknowledge them. Even the hate, anger and sadness. Those feelings make you human. Sit with the pain. Even take it with you on your journey. Pain can be a beautiful thing so learn as much as you can from it. And as much as you try to deny it, you are human and you love and feel and just want to be accepted as is.

Have more fun. Don’t be so serious. Let loose. Life is too short to be so serious and stressed.

Let people in. It can be incredibly scary, but it can also be incredibly rewarding.

Your mom – the day will come when you realize you're better off without her. Don’t spend another second trying to win her love, affection or attention. You will never get it. She will cause the first, and most painful, broken heart of your life. Realize that it’s not you that caused her to be the way she is. The sooner you realize it the better off you’ll be. And it’s OK to feel sad and grieve those moments in your life when you want or need a mother and don’t have one. In the end, not having this significant relationship will cause you to trust yourself more and to fill your own toolbox with life experiences.

Stop trying to be invisible because of your size. The sooner you start loving yourself and your body, the better off you’ll be.

Make sure you love yourself more than anyone else can. It will help raise the standard on how much love you deserve. And you do deserve to be loved.

Not every decision or relationship is black and white. It’s confusing and difficult but try and accept the gray areas.

Believe in yourself. Dream big. Know you are worth it.

Love,

The older, wiser you



If you wrote a letter to your younger self, what would you say?


Until Next Time,

 

Expectations

A major part of life is dealing with expectations.  Your expectations for yourself, your co-workers expectations of you, your spouses/significant others expectations for you and your expectations for others.  Most people have higher expectations for themselves than for others.  It makes perfect sense.  You need to lead by example.  But what happens when you fail to meet your own expectations?

During December 2011 I decided to give myself a little break on working out and eating cleanly every day.  I still tried to eat as clean as possible, but with all of the holiday parties going on, I gave myself the chance to not worry about calories or carbs and just enjoy food.  When I gave myself this little break, I also made goals that I expected I would start following come January 1st.  I was amped up and ready to go.  And then January came and went and nothing happened.  I had absolutely no motivation to do ANYTHING that I had expected I would be doing.  I felt disengaged from myself and from life.  I was exhausted all of the time.  February came and went as well and still nothing. 

It was at this point that anxiety set in.  All I could think about were the goals I had set for myself and how I was doing NOTHING to accomplish some of them.  While I was working diligently to learn to love my exterior as much as I love my interior, I was not working out, eating as healthy as I should or doing yoga.  When I should have been working on the two books I am writing, I was sleeping hoping I could finally get enough sleep to knock the exhaustion I felt down a notch. 

I finally went to the doctor and found out that my vitamin D level was very low.  I was given a prescription for a higher dosage of vitamin D.  It is now September and I am still on the prescription dosage because somehow my levels have managed to drop lower than they previously were.  So what do you do when you've gained 10 pounds instead of losing 40?  When in the past two months you've written one page for your first book and haven't started the second book? 

You readjust your expectations.  No I didn't lose the 40 pounds like I planned (and instead gained 10), but I have also learned to love my exterior as much as I love my interior.  I never thought that was possible unless I finished losing weight.  I still expect to finish losing weight, I just realize that it probably won't be by the end of this year.  Like I told someone this morning, I would rather have a life filled with wonderful memories than a life filled with counting calories and exercise routines. 

Life happens.  You can only control so much.  And if you are spending too much time on something that is not bringing you joy and happy memories, readjust your expectations and move on. 


Until Next Time,

Conversations with God

If you are anything like me, then you have lots of conversations with God.  Sometimes you even question if he has forgotten about you.  Case in point, the other night I was listening to the song "Can Anybody Hear Me" by Meredith Andrews.  The song is about a person who is praying to God, but hearing nothing in return.  They haven't given up faith, but they need something to help keep them going and believing.  I know exactly how they feel. 

Recently I prayed and asked God to take control of a situation and asked Him to let me know, good or bad, what the outcome would be.  And I got nothing but silence.  Not even crickets, just silence.  Well, this can't be good, I thought.  So is that I no?  Every fleeting thought ended with me trying to decipher whether that was a sign or not.  First I was hurt, then I was frustrated.  Why can't He just give me something. 

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and have a very special prayer with God letting him know exactly what I needed from Him (I know, I'm a control freak!).  It went a little something like this:  "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for all of the many blessings in my life.  Without You, we are nothing.  Father, I need your help with this situation.  Since You know my entire life story, start to finish, you already know about the issue and you also know the end result.  I know I need to work on my patience and I am, but I'm also insanely confused and feeling very much out of my league trying to figure everything out.  So could you please be a little more clear with your signs?  I don't understand vagueness very well.  I also don't understand men very well (the confusing situation).  Every guy I like doesn't like me and I don't understand the guys who like me.  They have a very odd way of showing it.  It's all just so very confusing.  I really did think I would have dating and guys figured out by now Lord.  So Father, anything that you can give me would be greatly appreciated.  Can you just give me something?  Thank you again for all of the blessing in my life.  In Jesus' name we pray.  Amen."

This prayer was sent out a few weeks ago.  To date I still don't have a definite answer.  Just lots of confusion and frustration and ... hope.  I have learned a major life lesson during this time - no matter how frustrated you get with God, he never leaves your side.  No matter how much you believe it, He hasn't forgotten about you.   In my case, He's just teaching me to be patient and learn to have complete faith in Him.

What are some of the conversations that you've had with God?  Was there a time when you felt that He forgot about you? 


Until Next Time,

Shine

Recently I read a tweet on Twitter about a 31-day self-acceptance journey called Shine.  I was instantly intrigued.  This could be the perfect opportunity for me to continue my personal journey towards complete self love and acceptance.  I was directed to Rosie Molinary's website.  Here is how Shine was described on her website:

a 31 day guide to embracing your authentic, beautiful self

so you can be lit from within to live your passion and purpose

and give your gifts to the world

I was immediately hooked.  Every day in August there will be a new challenge to help you along your journey.  At the end of the day you go back to her website and leave a comment about your experience with the challenge.  And it gets better.  There are prizes!!  This is one journey that I simply cannot wait to start. 

I'm going to find ways to Shine on my journey to self acceptance.  Will you join me?


Until Next Time,

Answered Prayers

Many days and nights (especially this year) have been spent praying for peace and understanding as to why I was still single and would I ever be able to fully love my body as it was.  Those were my two big issues that I needed answers on.  I either wanted to be in a relationship or I needed some kind of understanding as to why it hasn't happened yet.  And my main goal for 2012 was to be able to fully love my body.

The past two to three weeks have been so amazing because I have finally been able to get the answers that I so desperately wanted and needed.  Something inside of me just flipped and suddenly I am so grateful to be single.  Don't get me wrong, there are many days when I would love nothing more than to go home and cuddle with Mr. Right or just hold his hand, but I'm not wasting another second being single.  I have realized that being single just may be the greatest thing ever!  If I want to come home and nap, I do.  Watch two sporting events at one time?  Done.  Spend the day in my pajamas napping.  Yes please!  I am able to be 100% selfish, and though I know it won't last forever, I am thoroughly enjoying every second of it. 

The learning to fully love my body has been more of a challenge, but it has gotten better over the past few months.  Last night I saw a quote (and sadly I cannot find the picture of it today) on Pinterest that said something like "Being fat doesn't change who I am, it's just something that I have."  Reading this was a huge moment for me.  For so long I had always thought that because I am fat, I have to settle or not get the things in life that I want.  It never dawned on me that the fat is just something I have, but it does not define who I am as a person.  It's the same as me saying I have brown hair, therefore I am less of a person.  If my hair color doesn't change who I am as a person, then why should my pants size? 

Back in 2005 I went to a rehab center for a couple of weeks to get help for my eating disorder.  Throughout my stay there they had us complete a journal about various topics.  While I was cleaning out my room this past weekend, I stumbled across the journal.  As I read through it, I discovered how much I have changed since then.  For instance, in one entry I wrote that I wanted to be as skinny as Paris Hilton.  Now I want to be happy and healthy.  I no longer care what exact weight or pants size I am, I just want to be happy and healthy.  The twenty-one year old me never would have believed that I could not only love who I was as a person, but I could actually love the body that houses that person as well.  It was another sweet moment of seeing how much you can change for the better. 

There is such a personal freedom that comes when you get your questions answered.  A huge weight is suddenly lifted off of your shoulders and you realize that you can live your life, happily and peacefully, how you see fit.  You no longer feel the need to compare yourself to others and the self criticism drops drastically.  It is, hands down, one of the best feelings in the world.


Until Next Time,

Describing You

A few weeks ago my therapist and I were talking about my job.  During the conversation I came to the realization that if you were to ask me who I am, my actual real job of being a financial specialist would never enter the equation.  I would describe myself more as a writer and researcher, but never a financial specialist.  It's my job, but it's not who I am.

Last night while getting ready for bed I had an aha moment.  I suddenly asked myself how many hours I spend every day counting calories, stressing about what I have or have not eaten, what my weight is and how much I hate a certain body part.  After spending a few minutes thinking it through, I realized that I spend a good amount of my day doing one of those things.  And when I say a good amount, I mean many hours.  The realization made me sad.  Because if I were asked to describe who I am as a person, I know for a fact that how many calories I had (or didn't have) that day or what my weight was or if I was fat would never be considered.  These are things that I do or worry about, but it's not who I am.

If I were to describe who I am I would say: writer/research nerd, daughter/sister/mother (to Tessa), lover of life, worshiper of God, yoga fanatic, loving/compassionate/loyal human being, friend, book reading enthusiast, animal lover, music connoisseur, die hard Boston Red Sox fan, Shark Week fan and all around crazy fun girl who loves being from Texas.  This is who I am.  Do you see the difference?  Just because you do something doesn't mean it's who you are or who you have to be. 

After I had my realization last night, I vowed to start focusing more on who I am and doing what makes me happy in life.  I do actually enjoy eating healthy and doing yoga and Pilate's.  I despise living in the vicious cycle of constant calorie(or points) counting and then trying to figure out how many minutes of exercise I need to break even for the day.  Don't even get me started on my dysfunctional relationship with the scale.  When I take the daily thought out of what I eat and how much exercise I do, I actually do better with both.  Make an effort to be happy and genuine happiness will follow.

Take a few minutes and think about how you would describe yourself.  What would you say?  Do any of the items that you deem a flaw enter your self description?

Found here

Until Next Time,

Facing Fears

I am a big believer that you really grow as a person when you face your fears.  And normally when I have faced fears in the past, the reality of the situation was no where near as bad as I had made the fear out to be.  That was until this past week.  I faced two fears head on and the result was my sweet sister Hannah talking me through an epic crying meltdown.  I really don't know how she managed to keep a straight face and not fall over laughing while I was mid-meltdown, but I love her more for it!

The first fear I faced was taking boudoir photos.  This was something I had wanted to do for a while, but it took some time for me to work up the courage to actually do it.  These photos were a part of my adventure towards self love.  Taking them was something I wanted to do for me and only me.  Hannah agreed to be my photographer and was brilliant.  Now I usually just take pictures with my iPhone, while Hannah fully understands the art of photography.  I had to learn how to do multiple poses while being photographed.  I quickly learned that I am far to impatient and was not meant to be a model.  After Hannah edited the pictures and gave me the final cuts, I sat  down to look at them.  My first instinct was to find every flaw on my body and point it out and I did this a lot.  Finally I took the final pictures and looked at them alone in private.  I said a quick prayer and then forced myself to find the good in me in each of the pictures.  Finally I was able to see the beauty in the pictures. 

I then decided to look at the rest of the unedited photos.  Biggest. Mistake. Ever.  My inner critic had a field day.  I couldn't decided if I wanted to eat everything in sight because of the bad emotions coming up or if I wanted to stop eating all together because of my size.  As hard as I try, sometime (well most of the time) I still see myself as I was before I lost weight.  And the unedited photos did nothing to help that.  When I decided to take the pictures, I thought that they would make me automatically fall in love with my body.  While I am proud of myself for facing my fear, learning to love my body as is is still a work in progress.

The second fear that I faced sprung up out of nowhere and smacked me in the face.  For the first time since high school (10 years ago) I have an actual crush on a guy.  Normally when I see a good looking guy, that's as far as it goes.  I acknowledge to myself that he's easy on the eyes and I enjoy the view.  End of story.  I haven't allowed myself to have crushes because it means I have to be open and vulnerable and take a leap of faith.  And I have to do all of these scary things with a guy who is a stranger.  It's just easier to enjoy the eye candy.  While I admit that being open and vulnerable and taking leaps of faith are incredibly important, there are moments when they suck.  The suckiness is usually right before the goodness hits, but that's beside the point.  You still have to go through the sucky parts. 

I sat crying to Hannah, "I'm now 28 years old.  What the hell am I doing crushing on some guy.  I think I've officially lost my mind." (Repeat this doing the ugly cry and you'll understand how dramatic I was) She quickly informed me that this is a normal part of life and that it's a good thing that I'm letting myself experience this.  If I had it my way, Mr. Right would walk up to me, tell me he's right for me, I would feel some spark which would lead me to believe him, we would date, marry and live happily ever after.  Apparently in life you don't always get your way. 

This crush fear boiled down to my one big fear - my lack of experience when it comes to dating.  I feel very lost and confused and lacking when it comes to dating because I've never really done this before.  As petrified as I am of being open and vulnerable regarding this crush, seeing him does make me feel pretty giddy.  So when the bad feelings come up, I try to remember the giddiness and pray for some sort of resolution soon.

Facing fears is never easy, but it is a necessary part of life and growing as a person.  What are some of the fears that you have faced?  Was the reality as bad as the fear?  How did you face them?

Until Next Time,

My Journey to Body Love and Acceptance

"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." ~ Oscar Wilde

My main goal for 2012 was plain and simple: learn to love my exterior body as much as I love my interior self.  For far too many years I spent my life trying to be the person that everyone else wanted me to be.  I did nothing good for myself and I ended up hating myself for it immensly.  The past two years have involved lots of hard work to become the person I wanted and needed to be.  But once I got to the point where I adored the person I became, I absolutely hated my body.  And I mean hated with a capital H.

I am incredibly proud to have lost 92 pounds, but it does certain things to your body and they aren't always appealing.  Once I realized that there was a huge disconnect between my inner and outer self, I quickly came to the realization that I was the only person who could change these feelings.  This was when I decided to make it my number one goal for myself for 2012.

I started by making a concious decision to be kinder to myself.  Believe me when I say that this is easier said than done, but it is very necessary.  I looked at older pictures of myself, so I could see how far I've come and what a difference I have made.  I also made another concious decision to like and/or follow people and companies on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr who feature healthy plus sized women who are closer to my size.  Let's face it, lots of places say that they are for plus sized women, but their definition of plus sized is a 6.  When you see lots of happy healthy women who are your size, you don't feel like such a whale.  You feel normal.

One of the greatest things that I have done is to start practicing yoga.  I was petrified to start yoga because I thought it was only for skinny people.  Boy was I wrong.  The first time I completed a session there were tears of joy in my eyes.  Not only had I faced a huge fear and conquered it, but I did something where I was able to love my entire body.  It didn't matter that my stomach wasn't the size I want it to be, I could still stand on one foot, bend down and lift my other leg all the way in the air like a pro!

The most important thing I have learned in my journey to body love and acceptance is to make yourself a priority.  You get to set the standards for how everyone else gets to treat you, so you better set them high.  No my body is not perfect, but no one else's is either. 

How have you learned to love you inner and outer self? 

Until Next Time,

Music Makes The World Go 'Round

One of the many things that I have inherited from my dad is a serious love of music.  When I was in the womb he would sing silly songs to me and when I was born I knew his voice first.  When I was in elementary school, on the mornings that he was able to take me to school we would blast 60's Party Rock all the way.  Music is the one thing that can completely calm my nerves and change my mood.  You know it's a good song when you feel it deep in your soul.  From the time I get up until I go to bed, music is playing 90% of the time.  Below is a list of my top 20 favorite songs and the newest artists that I am loving.  With nearly 2000 songs downloaded, this was no easy feat. (Side note: I tried to do a top 10, but I love too many songs.  Also, I realized what a sap I am when it comes to music)

1. Let It Be Me - Ray LaMontagne.  I can listen to this song a million times and it never gets old.  I already know this will be the first dance song at my wedding one day.  It's so powerful and honest.
2. New Favorite Memory - Brad Paisley.  This song makes me think of what it's like to be in a new relationship and you find all of the things you love about the person you are with.
3. Never Stop - SafetySuit.  I love everything this band does.  Listen closely to the words.
4. My Girl Tonight - Jon McLaughlin.  There is such a vulnerability with this song. 
5. NKOTBSB Mash Up. It's a mash up of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys.  Enough said.
6. I Look to You - Selah.  There is a video on YouTube of lead singer Amy Perry talking about her struggle with her weight which lead her to write this song.  Very inspirational song.
7. Boston - Augustana.  Even though I am a Texas girl, I love Boston sports teams.  This song has nothing to do with sports, but I can listen to it on repeat!
8. I Ain't Ready to Quit - Jason Aldean.  "If you think you've seen love, you ain't seen nothing yet."  The line just gets to me.
9. The Sound of a Million Dreams - David Nail.  He could sing the phonebook and it would be amazing. This song really showcases his amazing voice.
10. One and Only - Adele.  "I dare you to let me be your one and only.  I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms."  Holy amazing lyrics and song.  And it's Adele!
11. Sober - Kelly Clarkson.  The words of this song hit home with me when I struggle with my eating disorder.  Powerful song that brings me to tears every time I hear it.
12. When I Look At You - Lesley Roy.  Fun and upbeat song to brighten your day.
13. Lovers and Friends - Lil Jon.  One of the best songs ever. 
14. Contagious - The Isley Brothers.  I know every word of this song, including the conversation part.  I sing it when I'm doing the dishes.
15. Can Anybody Hear Me - Meredith Andrews.  She is an amazing Christian singer.  For anyone who has ever wondered if God has forgotten them, this song is for you.
16. Forever - Ben Harper.  Who doesn't want to be someones forever?
17. Touch - Josh Abbott Band.  This song just rocks!
18. While I'm Waiting - John Waller.  Heard this song while watching Fireproof.  Amazing movie and an even more amazing song. 
19. These Arms of Mine - Otis Redding.  I could listen to Mr. Redding all day and night. 
20. Suffocate - J. Holiday.  What girl doesn't want to hear a guy say that she takes his breath away?

Here are a couple of albums that I'm currently obsessed with:

Ryan Star 11:59

The more I listen to this album, the more I love it.  Rock/Alternative music.

Josh Gracin Redemption

He can sing the heck out of a song.  Country

Green River Ordinance Under Fire

Hannah originally introduced me to them.  Loving their new album. Alt-Rock

Who are your favorite bands and/or singers?  What are your favorite songs?

Until Next Time,



Updates

First off, I apologize for the delay in posts.  You know the saying, "be care what you wish for?"  Well I'm learning that lesson at work.  I was bored, asked for more work and now I am overwhelmed.  I know it will get better, but this month has been insane.  Hopefully I will start to have more time for the blog.

I wanted to update you on two issues that I have been working on this year.  The first goal I had for myself this year was to find my passion.  Figure out what it was that made me happy and do it.  I am happiest when I am writing.  So after talking to my dad and step mom, I decided to write a book.  The book is continuously changing.  It was going to be a romance book with a plus size female.  Then I realized I didn't know what that would look like.  So now not only does she fall in love with a man, she falls in love with herself.  I feel that these are both important topics for plus sized women and I hope I do the story justice.

The other thing that I really wanted to work on this year was my body image. I really didn't know how or where to begin on this one, but I knew that it was very important to me.  I am completely comfortable not being stick thin, but I still see myself as I was before I lost 92 pounds.  I started by subscribing to various things on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Tumblr that promote healthy plus sized women.  That way whenever I would log on, I would see these gorgeous women.  Let me tell you, it has helped tremendously.  I've also decided that even though I still want to lose more weight, I am happy with where I am now.  The fatigue that I've been battling is starting to go away, so I hope to get back to working out a few days a week soon. 

What are your goals for yourself?  Have you accomplished any of them?  If so, how?  How do you plan to accomplish the one's that you are still working on?

Until Next Time,